South Dakota man sees “all porn”.

Owls Nest South Dakota is home to a man who for purposes of this story will be called Larry Bumper. Wait. That’s his real name? Oh. O.k., for the purposes of this story he will be called Barry Lumper, and Barry claims that he has seen all of the pornographic material the internet has to offer.

“The truth is I started out as a young and curios boy when at the age of seven my older brother Clem taught me how to “tame the lemming” and I found my mom’s Sears underwear catalogs just weren’t doing it for me. In 1984 I discovered my dad’s collection of titty books, and yeah, that was o.k. too, but I was soon like a heroine addict and built up a high tolerance. It was a natural transition to more hardcore magazines like Hustler, Penthouse, Hush Hush, and National Geographic. By 1990 I was in college and my friends introduced me to porno movies and then the world of “underground” porno flicks. Again it got to the point that even four midgets covered in “I can’t Believe Its Not Butter”, fisting each other in the ass holes then shitting on an orphan girl and forcing her to piss into the mouth of an Asian man who is getting a bj from a tranny couldn’t get me turned on.”

_{To protect his identity we have blurred out his face, but lets be honest all of his neighbors have already caught him masturbating.}

It was at that point “Barry” paused for a long moment and looked out his window at the setting sun. I could be wrong but I thought I saw a single tear well up in his eye then drip down his face.

“It was my Junior year in college when one of my room mates took me to the “Stinky Pinky”. It was the local strip club, and yeah, while it was nice to actual feel a woman sit on my lap, I couldn’t convince any of them to do the stuff I needed to get aroused. To be honest no one is as tender with me as I am, so that ended that experience for me. When I returned here to Owls Nest I was still limited to magazines and video, but by that point every thing I was into had to be special ordered from Eastern Europe or Asia. I am pretty sure some of that shit wasn’t even legal to send through the mail. I got a job working as a security guard at a parking garage and I spent almost my entire day sitting in my booth pulling my pud. One day in ‘96 my boss came around and said was putting a computer in the booth so that I could keep track of my paper work. He also said he was connecting it to the internet so I could email him daily reports. Literally the moment he left I typed “XXX” into the search bar and was off on a new adventure.”

There was a whistle from a tea kettle off in the kitchen. I wouldn’t have figured Barry for much of a tea drinker, but lo and behold he was a fan of the Earl Grey. He offered me a cup, but I politely declined. There’s no telling where those cups have been.

“In the early days it was easy to keep up with internet porn. There weren’t a lot of people on line yet and in a good 14 hours a day of solid porn watching I could see all of the porn that was put on the web that day. I beat off A LOT. Seriously it was even freaking me out. Needless to say I soon lost my cushy security gig and I had to move back home with mom. I convinced her to get the internet so I could “study for classes” and get a better degree and she did. I would spend days on end down in the basement flogging the dolphin. At that point I started purchasing “Skin So Soft” by the case. Then in 1998 there was a boom on the internet, with more people came more porn. At first I was excited about all the new sick twisted shit I could explore. It was also beautiful. Hell for about four months in late ‘99 the only thing that could get me off was seeing a person with no arms and no legs getting things inserted into them. Thing like baseball bats and the bottoms of wine bottles to be exact. Soon though I discovered that porn was being put on the internet at such an alarming rate that I couldn’t keep up with it. Plus, masturbation itself was becoming boring. I needed new techniques.”

We took a quick break as Barry had to go upstairs to answer the door.

_{This is something we all could have done without.}

When Barry returned he was holding a package from jackinworld.com. Apparently the package was part of an endorsement deal including shirts, hats and sweatshirt that he had with the site.

“It all became very overwhelming. I was drinking coffee by the gallon, I cut out all forms of sleep an exercise so that I could stay focused and I spent every moment of every day trying to stay ahead. I just couldn’t do it. I was ready to give up until in 2003 my uncle Saul passed away. He left me everything he owned in hopes that I would finally quit pounding my piss pump non-stop and move out of my mom’s basement. It was a nice thought, but I knew what had to be done. I sold off everything he left me and turned the basement into a proper porno command center. I hooked up a network of 32 pcs all running dual monitors and I would sit and just watch. I had porno pumping into my brain non-stop 24 hours a day for the last four years. Now I am proud to say that as of 15 minutes of you getting here I am completely caught up. I have officially seen ALL of the porno the internet has to offer.”

I was floored. The internet is well of 80% porn or adult related entertainment, and most of it is shit so sick that even I have to question it, but this guy, he has seen it all. It truly was an amazing accomplishment.

“Now I don’t know what I am going to do with myself. I mean I know there is always going to be more porn to watch, but the truth is at this point my penis is gnarled and twisted like an old root. I have Carpal Tunnel so bad in both wrists I will never bowl again and haven’t seen natural light in over five years. I think I might just shut the system down and spen a year enjoying life with out the pressure of having to watch all that porn.”

~ by E-Rokk on December 28, 2007.