Return of the JaGe-i
There may be some of you that can remember back to the days when Hey Stupid began, that or you know how to use the search feature to find some of the older articles. At any rate you probably remember that when this site began it was mastered over by three kings of men, my self, Stratt and The JaGe. Then one day The JaGe’s articles just stopped appearing. There was no word from him for months until he resurfaced in the company of E-Rokk during Once Upon A Time In Sodak 2.
The JaGe completed another series of articles and was then assigned to follow a breaking story of hot South American women. He packed his things, picked up his ticket and went off on his assignment. At first he checked in every 3 days with updates to his report and a list of his expenses, which I thought was weird since I told him before he left we weren’t paying any expenses. But one day he stopped calling, and to be honest, well…we we just plum forgot about him.
A few days ago Nick Fit and I were sitting around bullshitting when he brought up The JagE’s latent homosexuality. After we both had a good laugh, I realized it had been almost 6 months since the little guy last reported in, and I started to get worried. I remembered that we set up an email account for him and figured I’d check to see if he had sent any word to us using that. Sure enough, the inbox was almost full with the last message being in December.
What had happened was The JaGe was hanging out in a Brazilian strip club where he met an Asian stripper named Gui Gao Pan and they fell madly in love. He wanted to propose to her, but since he was short on cash from shoving it all in her g-string he had to sell his phone to get the money to buy her a ring. Apparently, after they got married they moved to Panama when he learned that she was part of a revolutionary group called Puño del Asno and soon became involved in their cause.
By October, Gui had been killed by their group’s main rivals, La Boca Que Viola a Ciudadanos de Panamá or “The BQVCP” and The JaGe was now involved in a bitter blood feud with them. He spent most of October and all of November organizing strikes against The BQVCP as he mercilessly slaughtered hundreds of them. Men, women, children, old, young, it didn’t matter in the eyes of The JaGe; they all had to be executed by his revenge thirsty hands.
The last email we received from him was dated December 23rd, what follows is a transcript of the email.
Dear E-Rokk and the Hey Stupid Crew.
I don’t know what came over me. I don’t know why I got married in the first place. All I wanted to do was make friends with Gui, take her back to my hotel and maybe stick my man meat in her mouth until i covered her face in mancake batter. Next thing I know we are getting married, moving to Panama and I was in some revolutionary group. When Gui was killed it should have snapped me out of the daze to realize that I was only there for the salty Asian poon tang and that now that she was dead I could get the hell out of there. Instead I got caught up in the moment and began killing off members of the BQVCP, and now I am to lead a suicide strike against their compound. I don’t want to die in this stinking South American jungle. I want to be back in the states getting thrown out of gentlemen’s clubs for harassing the talent, or walking around with my balls hanging out of my pants.
I have to wrap this up now because the invasion alarms are going off. I am going to try and sneak out in the commotion. I will report back to the HSHQ as soon as I can.
I knew since it had been almost a month since his last correspondence that things must have went horribly awry and he was going to need rescued. Nick Fit called up Riley Bravo and had him meet us on the roof. The plan was to fly down to Panama, though we had no idea what to expect when we got there. We flew into Bocas del Toro to begin our search for the Puño del Asno.
At first no one would give us any information but our newest staff member El Extraño, who was acting as our translator, assured us that all of the citizens were hiding something and not being completely honest. We decided to stop at a cantina and have more than a few drinks. El Extraño said he was going to try and score some of the local candy and gave a knowing wink to Nick.
Nick and I sat in the poorly lit cantina doing shots of something called Seco, which from the way it was described was made from sugar, but wasn’t rum. We sat there doing our shots and as per usual Nick was trailing by at least four shots and going on and on about how he can’t do shots. We were tapping our feet, listening to what I can only describe as a Spanish language Social Distortion band comprised of a guy with an acoustic guitar, an eight year old girl with a triangle and a dude that looked like a black David Bowie with castenetts.
El Extraño came running back in screaming that he had a lead on where to find the Puño del Asno. He led us to a man named Philippe who claimed to be a gun runner for the Puño del Asno. He led us to their village where we met with Rodrigo Con De El La Sanchez, the leader of the group. We explained to him why we were there and that we were searching for our good friend The JaGe. He explained that the night before the planned suicide mission against the BQVCP compound they (The BZVCP that is) invaded and kidnapped the JaGe. No rescue attempts had been made because without the JaGe to inspire them the morale was at an all time low. He gave us a detailed map of where to find the BQVCP compound, but told us that we would have to rescue him ourselves, and that more than likely he was already dead.
We prepared to launch our assault and began along the path to the BQVCP compound. Along the way we came to a village called Pene masivo del Toro. Hoping we could get some supplies and a bit of rest we entered the village. We found the inn and walked in to have El Extraño ask for supplies and a room. Things seemed to be going well, but out of the corner of my eye I saw a boy I recognized from the Puño del Asno leaving in a hurry. I found it a bit unsettling, but as soon as I laid eyes on the buxom Latina waitress I was distracted.
About thirty minutes later there was a voice yelling from outside. El Extraño translated for us.
“Attention American bastard pigs. This is Jorge De La Cruz, leader of the BQVCP, we know you are on your way to try and rescue your comrade The JaGe. I can assure he is alive and well, but he is our prisoner. We could be persuaded to release him to you if our demands our met. We want $500,000 US, and a crate of penicillin to help fight off all of the STDs the JaGe brought into our village.”
I thought it over a minute before screaming back something about never negotiating with terrorists. Before El Extraño had a chance to translate what I yelled Nick and I ran out of the inn with our guns blazing. The scuffle only lasted for about nine minutes and afterward Nick and I felt kind of bad, as the BQVCP came armed only with farming implements. We commandeered their Jeep, loaded our supplies and decided to keep moving. I radioed back to the Puño del Asno hq that the boy I saw was a spy and to kill him on sight.
We arrived at the BQVCP compound just after midnight and began lighting it up with shoulder fired rockets, gernades, and various other loud, explosive weaponry. Nick radioed to Riley who was there in about 20 minutes with the Hey Stupid “Equalizer”, an AH-64 A/D Apache gunship. Needless to say we laid waste to the first wave of BQVCP resistance.
We entered the premises and continued our search and rescue mission. After torturing a guard by firing our machine guns then pressing the hot barrels to his genitals he gave us the location of The JaGe. We ran to his holding cell and busted him out. We could hear vehicles out in the distance and we knew it had to be BQVCP reinforcements . We got the hell out of Dodge and hightailed it to the LZ where Riley picked us up and returned us to Bocas del Toro. We met up with Rodrigo Con De El La Sanchez and he thanked us for our help in fighting th BQVCP.
We decided it was best for us to return to America as soon as humanly possible and that was just exactly what we did. On the flight back, The JaGe decided to unburden his soul: “That bitch almost got me killed… and she wasn’t even really Asian! She was only a quarter Cambodian. The rest of her family was all from Panama. Oh well, I guess it’s a good thing we were only married by a local medicine man. That should mean the marriage doesn’t count in the US, right?”
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