The staff of Hey Stupid has decided to return to the Black Hills of South Dakota, next summer for the 2012 Sturgis Motorcycle Rally. As much as we love attending the Rally, visiting the Black Hills and going on road trips, none of these are our primary reasons for making the trip. We were called out by Kevin Costner for an article I wrote in 2004 which has since been removed. Now, apparently Costdog is mad at us and wants to throw down.
“Hello gentlemen.
I don’t know you gentlemen at all and honestly it is in my nature to let this go because basically, I’m Kevin Costner and you’re not. I’ve starred in major Hollywood movies, I beat up Stephen Baldwin and cleaned up the gulf oil spill myself I am the founding member of what is possibly the greatest country and western band since Garth Brooks and Dunn, and I have homes all over the country. I have no need to waste my time with any of you.
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT, the fact is that I have been swigging on a bottle of High West since about 11 AM and I am looking for a fight. Christine begged me not to let myself get dragged into to something so beneath me, but you know what? That woman speaks out of place too often and now she’s spending a little time in the basement. I don’t know, maybe she was right and I should follow the Golden Rule. You know the golden rule: fuck the gold. He who has a nickel-plated makes the rules.
You kids wanna say I’m washed up? Yeah, I was in the show. I was in the show for 21 days once – the 21 greatest days of my life. You know, you never handle your luggage in the show, somebody else carries your bags. It was great. You hit white balls for batting practice, the ballparks are like cathedrals, the hotels all have room service, and the women all have long legs and brains. What have any of you ever done with yourselves? This is my corn. You people are guests in my corn.
People say I can be a little nuts. Life has to be a little nuts sometimes. Otherwise it’s just a bunch of Thursdays strung together. I should have just laughed this off and let this go because I AM better than this, but you know what, I have seven kids. Seven. Well I don’t want our kids growing up thinking they’re powerless because of me. Everything they do in this world has a consequence. Our children still believe in miracles. They still believe anything is possible. As long as they believe like that, they’re gonna be something. They’re gonna make a difference in the world… that means I made a difference.
So yeah, you “gentlemen” can consider this a challenge. Don’t call it a threat. The Midnight Star doesn’t make threats. I am throwing down the gauntlet for you boys. I’ve spent a lot of time guarding people all over the world, and I’ve found one thing to be true – no matter how incompetent the assassins, no matter how much they miss their target, there’s always one person who always gets hit. When I was a kid, we all wore our hats backwards. We thought it was cool. This is my boat. I got it the way I like it. You take up space and you slow me down.It was hard to know how to feel. I had never been in a battle like this one. This had not been a fight for territory or riches or to make men free. This battle had no ego. It had been fought to preserve the food stores that would see us through winter, to protect the lives of women and children and loved ones only a few feet away. I felt a pride I had never felt before.
So if you boys want a fight I’ve got one for you, its waiting for you right here in Tatanka! I realize you are all weak and feeble and I do have some sense of fairness. I will give you boys 56 weeks to train but next August I expect, nay, demand your presence in the beautiful Black Hills of South Dakota so I can leave the imprint of my Landstrom’s ring in each of your foreheads!
The Midnight Star. “
“
Next August, 2012, on the eve of the apocalypse… Ya know what, I’m gonna let Tony and Dusty tell you about this.
TONY: Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Schiavone here, alongside as always, longtime friend and co-host, the American Dream Dusty Rhodes. Dusty, we have a sold out crowd here at the Palace of Auburn Hills for this announcement.
DUSTY: Oh dats right, baybuh, Tonay Schivonay, Amurikan Dreem Dustay Rhode, daddy. The peoples are here, they are ready for this, we are ready worldwide and on da satellites, NASA ready for da satellite feed, the son of a plumber, and Tonay Schiavonay.
TONY: Many people have heard the tale. The tale of friendship. The tale of betrayal. The tale of alcoholism and the tale of Wyatt Earp. I am of course talking about a moment in time, a special gathering, that of course is Tombstone, Arizona.
DUSTY: And a betrayal so bad, jack. A betrayal that last through da eons of da times. Da Grozman, he jump in the truck, he pullin’ on out, leavin’ Dutman and Ross walkin’ through the desert, next thing you know, dem two tryin’ to bang a hotel receptionist from Alaska. AND SHE AIN’T FEELIN’ NONE OF IT. And the Grozman lockin’ em out of da hotel room… Not a pretty time, Tonay.
TONY: And let’s not forget about Nasty Noah. A man so heinous, a man so vile. He comes along on a trip, he spooks the park service, he stinks real bad all the way across the southwest, he has no money, then he sleeps in the hotel and misses the hijinx. What kind of a man is Nasty Noah, Dusty?
DUSTY: Tonay Schiavonay, let me tell you how heinous a man really is, daddy. Dis man… dis Nastay Noah… Dis here man is so heinous. He come on a trip. He stink real bad. He stinkin’ up the southwest. He sleepin’ in hotel rooms. He ain’t got no money at all, jack. He spookin’ forest rangers. Not a great man, indeed.
TONY: That’s what I just said.
DUSTY: Who said what now?
TONY: I literally just said all those things, you just reiterated my points.
DUSTY: Dustay Rhode, Dee Amurikan Dreem, son of a plumber, baybuh.
TONY: Right. But you just said what I said.
DUSTY: Tonay Schiavonay so confused in his mind right now. The mind in his heart. The mind he have in his mind. He all confused. But it ain’t matter, jack. Nastay Noah… a heinous man. A heinous, stinky man.
TONY: Indeed, Dream. Whoa, wait a second… the fan’s are on their feet, Dream… who is coming out here?
DUSTY: IT’S STINGER!!!!
The Man Called Sting
The Man Called Sting
He’s a Man Called Sting
The Man Called Sting
He does this, he does that
He big as bull, & quick as a cat
He look fine, he looks cool
He’s own man, & he’s nobody’s fool
Don’t double cross him, or get in his way
Cause if you do, your gonna have to pay
To the Man called Sting
The Man Called Sting
He’s a Man Called Sting
Man Called Sting
He’s not like, anybody else
If his friends ever need him, he’s there to help
And all the kids, they go wild
And all the old people start to act like a child
Don’t double cross him, or get in his way
Cause if you do, your gonna have to pay
To the Man called Sting
He’s a Man Called Sting
The Man Called Sting
He’s a Man Called Sting
He’s a Man Called Sting
He’s a Man Called Sting
He’s a Man Called Sting
He’s a Man Called Sting….. Hey……….
(Guitar Solo Riff)
All over the world, he such a smash
You know it’s over when does the Stinger Splash
He loves his honey, the loves the Rock (Ultimate Warrior back in NWA)
But noone important loves the Scorpion Death Lock
Don’t you dare cross him, or get in his way
Cause if you do, your gonna have to pay
To the Man called Sting
He’s a Man Called Sting
He’s a Man Called Sting
He’s a Man Called Sting
Everybody wonders, what he’s gonna do
A Two Title Reign, & he says he’s ain’t through
The little Stingers Believe in him
Thats all he needs to win the title again
Don’t you dare cross him, or get in his way
Cause if you do, your gonna have to pay
To the Man called Sting
The Man Called Sting
He’s a Man Called Sting
He’s a Man Called Sting
Man Called Sting
He’s a Man Called Sting
He’s a Man Called Sting
He’s a Man Called Sting
Hey……………
Woo…………….
Hey……………
TONY: Ladies and gentlemen, the Man Called Sting has joined us here in the announce booth… Stinger, looks like you got something on your mind.
STING: That’s right, Tony Schiavone.
(crowd cheers)
STING: That’s right. Stinger does have something on his mind. I got lots of things on my mind. And I know you guys were gonna spill all the details, but The Stinger is gonna crash the party and spill the beans. It all started a little while back… in a little place in South Dakota that I like to call Sturgis.
(crowd goes nuts!!!)
STING: That’s right… that’s right, Sturgis. And there’s a lot of famous battles fought there over the years. But a little south of there… there’s a place where true evil lives. And that true evil… is KEVIN COSTNER’S HOUSE.
(crowd booing loudly!!! They hate Swing Vote!!!)
TONY: Kevin Costner? The actor? What’s he got to do with this?
STING: Last night on WCW Slamajama Blastorama XI… You all saw the Stinger get attacked. An attack that tried to ruin my career, and the career of Michael Von Erich. Mike is surrounded with family and love at Parkland Hospital, but will never walk again. Juju the Managerial Mongoose was killed as well. We all know Ric Flair was behind that attack in the parking garage. But there was a masked man. A man more heinous than Nasty Noah, a man with less scruples than even Dut himself. Well, I tracked down who that man was. Through clever police work and private investigations since last night… That man was KEVIN COSTNER.
DUSTY: WHAT?! BULL DURHAM, JACK! HE ON DA LOOSE?!
TONY: I cant even believe what I am hearing! The crowd noise is deafening in here, Dream!
STING: And if Kevin Costner has any guts, he will–
Well, you wonder why I always dress in black,
Why you never see bright colors on my back,
And why does my appearance seem to have a somber tone.
Well, there’s a reason for the things that I have on.
I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down,
Livin’ in the hopeless, hungry side of town,
I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime,
But is there because he’s a victim of the times.
I wear the black for those who never read,
Or listened to the words that Jesus said,
About the road to happiness through love and charity,
Why, you’d think He’s talking straight to you and me.
Well, we’re doin’ mighty fine, I do suppose,
In our streak of lightnin’ cars and fancy clothes,
But just so we’re reminded of the ones who are held back,
Up front there ought ‘a be a Man In Black.
I wear it for the sick and lonely old,
For the reckless ones whose bad trip left them cold,
I wear the black in mournin’ for the lives that could have been,
Each week we lose a hundred fine young men.
And, I wear it for the thousands who have died,
Believen’ that the Lord was on their side,
I wear it for another hundred thousand who have died,
Believen’ that we all were on their side.
Well, there’s things that never will be right I know,
And things need changin’ everywhere you go,
But ’til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
You’ll never see me wear a suit of white.
Ah, I’d love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything’s OK,
But I’ll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
‘Till things are brighter, I’m the Man In Black.
TONY: THAT’S– HERE HE COMES!!! HERE HE COMES!!! KEVIN COSTNER IS HERE!!!!
DUSTY: I JUST SOILED MYSELF AND IT WAS INVOLUNTARY!
KEVIN COSTNER: Listen up right now, all you people and YOU, Sting.
(crowd boos loudly)
KEVIN COSTNER: Let me give you a little history lesson. Last December before Starrcade XXXXXIII, you went on TBS and led a drive to collect money for the Lakota indians. Those same Lakota who are trying to close down the Midnight Star. For all you people out there that live in a cave, that’s my casino in Deadwood. Well, I dont take too kindly to you trying to put me out of business and close down my casino that sells bacon wrapped shrimp for $14. That’s right, folks, great food and great prices at Jake’s, right inside the Midnight Star, pop in at Diamond Lil’s and enjoy lots of movie costumes and props from all my famous films. Irregardless… Since that time, when you tried to ruin me and start a public smear campaign, I’ve waited in the bushes. I’ve waited and I’ve waited. And last night at WCW Megajam XIV, I pounced from my bushes. Michael Von Erich was collateral damage. Juju I killed on purpose. You… my goal for you is to not only ruin your career in front of all these stupid people, but I’m gonna lead you to a life of financial ruin as well. You and all the little Stingers are no match for me, Ric Flair, and unbridled $14 bacon shrimp. You got that?
STING: (rubbing his chin for a few seconds… then responds) Kevin Costner… I’m gonna do something for you that I shouldn’t do. I’m gonna give you and Ric Flair 12 months to prepare for this challenge. That’s right, 12 months. August 2012… you and Flair are going to take on… ME AND ROSS MITCHELL!!!!!
(crowd goes bananas, ape shit, and shits their pants, Costner is stomping around, he cant believe it!!!)
TONY: DREAM!!! ROSS MITCHELL AND STING!!!
DUSTY: AND YOU KNOW DA DUTMAN AND TURBO AND RICK AND DAT DAMN JEZEBEL JIM BODENSCHATZ GONNA BE IN ATTENDANCE!!! OH MY LORD, DADDY, I AM SPEECHLESS!!!
TONY: KEVIN COSTNER CANT BELIEVE IT! THOSE MEN WILL DRINK EVERY DROP IN THE MIDNIGHT STAR CASINO! COSTNER IS LIVID!!!!
DUSTY: I CANT BUHLEEVE IT!!! ROSS MITCHELL IN DEADWOOD!!! DIS IS AFTER ALL DA TOMBSTONE HIJINX!!!! AN INSTANT CLASSIC!!!!
TONY: WE ARE OUT OF TIME… LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, UNBELIEVABLE NEWS… ROSS MITCHELL, TURBO CROYLE, DUTMAN HIMSELF… RICK MITCHELL… JAMMIN JIMMY BODENSCHATZ… STURGIS 2012… I CANT BELIEVE IT… GOODNIGHT!!!!”
We see it that we have no choice but to accept Mr. Costner’s challenge and we shall embark on what could be the greatest road trip in all our lives.
Check back for updates.
