This was a damn cool weekend. It marked the beginning of the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, so that means I got to meet some cool people, see some cool bikes, drink a lot of beer, and see a lot of wild naked chicks. Friday when I went to the rally after work, I thought, this is going to be different than anything I have ever seen before. I was correct, and for as cool as it was, there were still things that pissed me off. I have been to quite a few bike rallies in my time, and it never fails that the hippie Jesus guys are there.
In this case they drove in on a bus and rented a house. They had a big sign up advertising free food. I knew what I was in for, but that bbqed turkey leg smelled damn good. I went over to get a leg and I had a flask of Lynchburg’s best Old No. 7. As I was eating my turkey leg they were going on and on with their Jesus rants and misquoting and misinterpreting things from the bible and I just sort of ignored it. This was a damn good turkey leg and that was what I was focused on. Finally I stopped to take a sip from my flask and one of those hippies must have smelled it.
They started rambling on and on about the evils of drugs and alcohol, stating that imbuing alcohol destroys God’s temple and is a sin. On that note I had had enough. I put down my turkey leg, lit a cigarette took a deep pull off my flask and walked out. I was pissed off because I wasn’t bothering any one, I was minding my own business and enjoying my food. Rather than coming over and saying something to me quietly about it, they made a spectacle out of it so I could be an example for the evil they were there to stop. Just like always pointing out the perceived faults in some one else before pointing out their own.
I was compelled to stand up and make a scene, but it was the Sturgis rally, and there were many big hungry bikers who were also there enjoying turkey legs. I am fairly certain they wouldn’t have done anything, but I didn’t want to find out. So I left and went on about my way. I am telling you about all this so you remember it for later.
So as I was on my way I started to get thirsty for something other than whiskey, so I went over to buy a bottle of water. I shit you not, the guy wanted three dollars. THREE GOD DAMNED DOLLARS, are you serious? It was a tiny little bottle of Nestle pure life. I looked at the bottle and back at the vendor and said, For 3 bucks a bottle this better be the bath water of pristine virgin sorority girls. The guy tried to argue with me about if I didn’t like the price I could go somewhere else. To this I said Gas is $3.09 a gallon here for the rally. This is a 16oz bottle of water. You are telling me this water is more expensive than gasoline? Eventually he cursed at me and told me to leave.
How in the hell can this shit bag not want to take his own life every moment of every day? He didn’t collect the water from the stream, he didn’t drill a well and pump the water, he didn’t distill the water, he didn’t purify the water, he didn’t bottle the water, all he did was go to Sam’s Club and buy it for 6 bucks a case. Where in the hell did this fat piece of shit get off trying to sell this water for 3 bucks a bottle? I was beginning to get a tad bit annoyed.
I realize that at the rally tub girls walk around selling bottles of beer for $5.50 a bottle, but they are delicious buxom beauties wearing next to nothing who rub their soft, sexy bodies against you as you dig out your money. Just because this guy had huge tits didn’t mean I was about to pay him that much for a bottle of water. It would be like going to the zoo and asking an elephant to fuck you in the ass, AND THEN PAYING THE GOD DAMNED ELEPHANT.
Eventually I did find a vendor that wasn’t trying to rape every customer that walked by and bought three bottles of water at a buck a piece just to spite the ass hole from the corner before by spending 3 dollars on water any way. Fuck that piece of shit.
As I went on about my way, it began to get dark and the titties started coming out. There are four different kinds of titties in this world. Young firm perky titty, fake titty, fat titty, and old titty. The first two are cool with me, but the last two, if that is what you have, fine, but no one wants to see it any more than they wanna see a fat girl in nothing but a thong and a tube top. We will start with old titty.
Now, being old doesn’t mean you automatically have old titties, and having old titties doesn’t automatically mean you’re old. I have seen some chicks in their late 40s early 50s with some amazing bodies, and terrific racks, just as I have seen some young women with some gross tits.
The best way to identify an old titty is close inspection. The check list works like this.
Wrinkles any where on or around they titty- 8 points
Freak Nipples, two different colors, morbid shape, anything otherwise freaky- 3 points
Hard boob, the titty has been through so much abuse it is hard and pasted to the chest.- 5 points
Savage Saggage. The titty is so saggy they nipples point straight down, or worse yet, curl under.- 8 points.
Bruised Titty. You wouldnt want a mushy bruised peach in your mouth would you?- 3 points.
Confused titties. These poor guys have been put through so much they cant even move in unison. They fly all over the place in ways that defy the laws of physics- 5 points.
Now add your points together, if you have more than a total of 9, those are some old titties.
There were many old titties flopping around up there, and the owners usually want groups of bikers to pose with them for pictures. No one gives a damn. Unless they are really drunk, which I was, so of course I had my picture taken.
Fat titties are an amazing creature of there own. There seems to generally be two distinctly different types of fat titty. First, is the more common, the woman has grown obese all over and her tits have grown to some enormous cup size. For the most part this doesnt even gross you out as much as make you snicker to yourself. They are usually big enough to require a wheel barrow to cart them around in. Before I go on I want to know what the hell a barrow is. Why isnt it wheel barrel? It is kind of like a barrel, it holds things. You could certainly cut a 55 gallon barrel in half and mount a wheel on it allowing you to use it for the same purpose. What lazy shit who couldnt pronounce the “l” sound came up with barrow?
Anyhow, as I was saying before, these big fat tits are usually funny, granted no one except fat fetish freaks WANTS to see them, but you don’t really mind if they are out. This species of fat titty is also easily identifiable by the nipple. If it is bigger than a paper plate, it is this particular type of fat titty.
The other kind of fat titty is the dark side. The one no one at all wants to see. It is the one where the titty didn’t grow in size with the rest of the body and pretty much just flattened out like a deflated balloon against the fat disgusting body of the lard ass carrying it. Unfortunately though this one is less common in general, this is the one you will encounter the most at a motorcycle rally. Usually during the day it will be under a leather vest which is always unbuttoned, and no other form of coverage.
Before we go on, let me ask you a question. During Fat Tit example one you were picturing a fat black woman and during example two it was an old white woman huh? Eh, maybe its just me, but that is the imaging I had.
The good titties I shouldn’t need to describe. You should know what a good titty looks like all on your own. I will say this, more than likely between the two you will see the fake titty out at a rally, while the perky, young, firm natural titty is a bit more elusive. This is usually because the fake titty was paid for and the owner wants to display the goods. I had many a fake tit in my hand, on my face, and generally rubbed on my body this weekend. The natural titty on the other hand, is harder to find because if it really looks that good, it probably belongs to a girl in her mid twenties to early thirties. Not always but usually. The fact is not a lot of younger girls come to the rally, it is usually mid 30s and on. The ones that do are usually Tub girls who don’t get naked unless you tip them well.
Any how as the night went on, I had a pretty good time. No complaints for the most part, but then it became time to go. We were going to venture from main street Sturgis up to the Full Throttle Saloon. On the way to where we parked we passed the Jesus hippies again. It was maybe 10:30 pm, and an old familiar smell rolled in to my nostrils. That old sticky icky icky. Some one was roasting a bud nearby. I pulled a Toucan Sam and followed my nose. Sure enough the same group of ass holes who gave me shit for drinking whiskey with my turkey leg were toking in the back yard. Puff Puff Pass that shit to Jesus.
Normally I don’t give a damn with how others choose to get messed up, and I am not completely opposed to marijuana. I have danced with Mary a time or thirty myself. My gripe was with the fact that cut it any way you want, argue for legalization all you want, but weed is still a drug. If I remember correctly, according to these holier than thou douche bags, drugs and alcohol destroyed God’s temple. Well luckily for me, we brought the car tonight because it looked like rain was eminent, so I walked over, popped the trunk and took out the ten remaining bottle rockets I had been saving since the fourth of July. I fired them off in their general direction while singing Amazing Grace. Those hippies moved pretty fast, gee I hope the cops didn’t come by to investigate, otherwise some one would probably be in trouble for possession of an illegal substance. Ass holes.
Saturday was pretty uneventful at the rally. Drank more, saw more titty and made some nasty bitch cry by knocking her down a few pegs. I slept it off through Sunday and now it is Monday and I am letting things piss me off for tomorrow’s rant. To the hippies, ass holes who charge to fucking much for the most abundant thing on the planet, and all the nasty nasty tits out there..FUCK ALL THAT.