Did you ever have one of those days that just made you want to eat a puppy? I mean it, seriously. And not just eat a puppy, but steal from a little girl and bite the puppy in the throat right in front of her. That is the day I have been having. First, I woke up this morning to find nine text messages on my cell phone. I was excited because I thought people liked me, but alas, it was just some crafty marketing campaign. So after contacting all of them and politely telling them not to bother wasting their time, and costing me for the texts, because I didn’t want what they were selling I went in to the bathroom. By the way I lied about being polite. I threatened my semen and their mothers. It was quite gross. Any how in the bathroom… as I was preparing for my day, the deodorant stick broke and half of it fell on the floor.
After getting ready I planned to sit down, watch a little TV. and enjoy a nice big bowl of generic Lucky Charms. First of all as soon as I turned the TV. on I saw that god damned Geico commercial again, I am telling you, those fuckers have it in for me. Second, as I began eating my generic lucky charms I realized there were only four marshmallows in the whole bowl and two of them were fused together. Damn it, I didn’t pay discount cereal prices to have to want marshmallows. They should be predominant. If I really cared about nutrition I would buy the real stuff.
I am going off on a tangent here, but what the fuck happened to cookie crisp and apple jacks? Cookie crisp was the greatest cereal in the world growing up. They were deliciously sweet, insanely tasty and I ate two bowls of them every morning. They ruled. My earliest memory of Cookie Crisp is that magical box with the wizard Cookie Jarvis on it. Cookie Jarvis is THE greatest name in history by the way. The cereal was made by Ralston foods, and they had it right. The cookie crisp tasted like cookies, the milk always turned a brownish gray and tasted sugary, and I don’t ever remember it containing a prize. It may have, but I honestly don’t remember it being a prize granting cereal, and it didn’t need to be. Oh sure, there were other flavors, Vanilla Wafer, and Oatmeal Cookie, but fuck all that, the original chocolate chip was the shit.
Not only did I eat it for breakfast, but I carried it in snack bags to school. The mascot I remember most was the Cookie Crook. He was the shit. I think he was cooler than the wizard, and he sure as shit could pound the hell out of the Hamburglar. The Cookie Crook and his sidekick Chip The Dog, and the always gave a hard time to the Cookie Cop. Meanwhile the cereal remained delicious beyond words. Then in the late 90s Cookie Crisp was manufactured by General Mills, and Chip the Dog Stabbed me in the heart. First he sold out the Cookie Crook and got him locked up for two consecutive life sentences. After that he framed the Cookie Cop on a trumped up kiddie porn charge. After that he changed his image to Chip the Wolf. So that no one would whack him. The cereal tastes like shit now and gets soggy right away. I refuse to eat it.
On to Apple Jacks. As much as I loved Cookie Crisp for breakfast, I LOVED Apple Jacks after school. Apple Jacks were great, and they didn’t taste like apples. Bright orange, light and airy, and when you poured them in to your bowl, there was so much sugar it collected in a big orange pile of delicious on the bottom. Then, things started to change. Kelloggs began adding nutrition and vitamins to it. They added these crappy green rings, and covered the orange ones with some sort of flakey red shit. They don’t taste the same, the don’t smell the same, they don’t have the same texture, and those god damned green rings just piss me off.
Apple Head is spinning in his grave right now. If he were alive today he would probably crash the apple car through the front door of Kelloggs, and shoot seeds at everyone inside. Who would stop him? CinnaMon and Bad Apple, the two fags that are on the box now? I dont thinks so. No friends, ever since 1997 all major cereal has tasted like dried shit. None of it is any good any more. Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Lucky Charms, Pops, Captain Crunch, Smacks, Cocoa Puffs, Golden Grahams, Rice Krispies, they all taste like a fucking asshole any more. Hopefully Kaboom, Franken Berry, Boo Berry, and Count Chocula won’t get messed with.
Anyhow, after breakfast I went down to the convenience store to sell a kidney so I could afford a fountain drink. As I was standing there waiting to be overcharged for my beverage, I was looking at the morning paper on the rack wondering if I should pick it up. A story that caught my eye was BP saying that because of the fact that they were complete douche bags and didn’t properly care for the trans Alaskan pipe line, that they will have to shut it down to repair it, and go figure that it will increase the price of gas up to another 20 cents a gallon at the pump.
Wait a minute ass holes and cunt bags. Didn’t BP make in the neighborhood of $56,000 a minute every minute of every day of the last quarter in just profit? Believe me, I am not exaggerating, that is roughly what they made last quarter. All that profit, their fuck up in the pipe because they didn’t want to properly clean it, and we get stuck paying for it? Fuck all that, oil producers have been hammering our balls for far to long. They wanna have every law maker in their pocket so no alternative fuels are explored fine. Thats how government works, nothing we can do about that, but here is something we can do. Blow up the supply lines… honestly, imagine if a group of psychos got together and in one night orchestrate an attack on every gas station in America. Just blow the shit out of them. Destroy their trucks, cut them off at the knees. Then as a union refuse to pay one dime for gas until it was back down to $1.50 a gallon or below. That would be the way to do it.
I went to work and sat in my cubicle generally unappreciated for what I do, but at least I get paid for it.
Eh maybe I wont eat the puppy, but I will still kick the shit out of the little girl for being annoying and crying.
Fuck all that.