Fuck all that for 9/11/06

Well, 9/11 is here. Surprise surprise I don’t give a damn. I don’t mean to sound like an insensitive prick, but lets face it, that is exactly what I am. I have been bombarded with 9/11 bull shit since Monday of last week. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Seriously, the history channel has been running documentaries and shit about it nonstop. Most of the major networks have some stupid shit about it. A&E has their original t.v. movie about. Then on top of all that, there are the commemorative coins, the build the memorial commercials, the We Remember commercials and all the other useless crap. Probably the worst thing is 9/11 babies: Five years later. Who Cares? Who? Fuck all that

On to my next point. The Black Dahlia. I am very excited about this movie. In fact, I am excited about both this movie and Hollywoodland. I can’t decide which one I want to see more. Hollywooland has some great writing credits, and on top of that I get to see the story of how George Reeves died. This has two great things about it. One I HATE SUPERMAN! I think he is the lamest and most retarded of all super heroes. Next to Namor and Aquaman of course, but it is like getting to see Superman die. Then the actor playing George Reeves is Ben Affleck, so in a strange way I get to see Ben Affleck die. I personally think every movie should have a sceen in which Ben Affleck dies. Maybe we will get lucky and some one will pull a Brandon Lee on him and we won’t ever have to deal with him ever again.

The Black Dahlia on the other hand deals with the murder of Elizabeth Short. For any one who doesn’t know, Elizabeth Short was a waitress from the east coast who moved to California with hopes of becoming an actress and was nicknamed the Black Dahlia by a pharmacy employee. The twist is she was found cut in half and the murder was never solved. How fucking cool is that? Not enough people get cut in half any more. Everyone she had ever talked to was a suspect and the killer still got away scott-free. There are theories that it was all part of a serial killers work and that it may have been linked to other murders, but nothing was ever proven.

My only problem is with the advertisements for this movie. They never mention the bitch was cut in half! Why not? I guess maybe because it isn’t a true story of courage. Seriously though, mention she was cut in half and I promise you audiences will go to see just for that and hey, who knows, maybe people will actually learn something about a great American murder mystery. You know, one that actually happened and doesn’t feature the words Blair, Witch, or Project in the title.

Nike’s new ad campaign really makes me want to jam rusty nails right in my eyes. I mean come on, “its all about footbal”l? No I don’t fucking think so. Especially not high school football. The commercial shows these dumb ass jocks who aren’t paying attention in class, don’t know the answers to anything and playing with a paper football. Then when their hard working, under paid, over aggravated teacher who has to put up with their stupid bullshit comes around to make sure they are getting their educations, they give him a stupid look. Proving right there that no fucking jocks ever get an education. Ever. Then the ad goes on further to show all the Neanderthals in a locker room with their coach who is saying Some one is going to lose tonight, and its not gonna be us. Then the ass clowns all run out on the field to demonstrate their douchebaggery and everyone cheers as to say, its o.k. you are all dumber than a big fucking bag of hammers.

The commercial ends and the team is happy. Fuck that and fuck you. The problem with this commercial is it is exactly right. Except of course that they left out the fact that the jocks were beating up and insulting the smart kids between failing in their classes and ending up in the locker room. The thing is it doesn’t matter what sport dumb kids play in high school, no matter how fucking stupid they are as long as they put on school colors they will be given a free pass to coast through any class and learn nothing. Then if they are good enough they are given a scholarship to college. COLLEGE. Never mind the fact that there are thousands of kids who pay attention, work hard, and study their asses off just to get accepted to a good school that never see a dime of help unless they work even harder to get grants and academic scholarships, these fuckers are just handed an education. To do what with? Play more sports and have everything handed to them again. They don’t take their classes seriously, they walk around in their jerseys on game day and are handed their grades with a smile.

Half of them won’t even be able to tell you their major. All they want to do is drink cheap beer and fuck sorority sisters. Don’t get me wrong, I drank more than my share of cheap beer and liquor and had my share of one night stands with sorority sisters, but I also got my education. I did it by studying and getting good grades. The point is I not only got my education and went on to get a good job because of it, I am also continuing my education so I can continue to elevate myself.

Mean while, it is seven years since high school and three years since college and I am working a good job with a good pay and all of those fucking jocks are working minimum wage jobs to pay the child support on their 37 kids and sitting in some shit hole bar every night drinking cheap beer and trying to fuck sorority sisters. The only difference is now they are former sorority sisters who also never got an education, got knocked up by some jock, work at Wal Mart and dress like crack whores to try and get attention. So go on, believe it is all about football. Cling to the false dream that one day you are gonna go pro, go out and spend money on Nike shoes so you can one day get a scholarship you don’t deserve but remember with in ten years your gut will be so big you can’t see your tiny pathetic excuse for a cock and all you will have left is memories of your glory days.

Just make sure not to sing the words to Friends in low places off key to loud, or by the time you start half singing I love this bar a jock from an older generation may try to kick your ass. I hate you. Go fuck yourself with a big iron stick.

Another series of commercials that makes me want to go out and capture a midget in a bag then beat random nuns and puppies and pregnant mothers with my midget bag are the new commercials for the Jeep Compass. The commercials with the bobble heads and the Steady Bouncin Them Jeeps on the New York Streets song. Fuck New York, Fuck its streets, fuck KRS1 for this shitty song and fuck the concept of boucin Jeeps. Lets break this shit storm down. First off all when did the Jeep designers sprout vaginas. A jeep is supposed to be a rugged vehicle you can take off road, or if need be attach a 50 mm cannon to the roll cage and hunt Nazis. It is supposed to have big knobby tires and look like it will rape your children and eat them if you look at it wrong. I didn’t even have a problem with the Jeep Cherokee because, lets face it, sometimes you have to haul a couple members of your platoon with you to act as your fire team, and it still looked rugged.

Now the Cherokee looks like it was bred with a minivan and has no balls anymore. Then Jeep further emasculated its image with the Jeep Liberty. I have literally shit things that look more rugged than this thing. It just isn’t right. It is like a fucking hatch back masquerading as a Jeep. It has googely eyes for Christ’s sake. There was a brief moment of hope when they announced the Commander, a big ugly boxy assault vehicle with portholes in the roof for firing M-16s or mortars out of, but just as I thought things might be o.k., Jeep cut off its own cock by releasing this thing. The Jeep Compass. NO JEEP. NO. BAD JEEP BAD.

This is like a polite vehicle. It is dainty. It is queer. I doubt it could climb a rock and it certainly couldn’t be taken seriously in battle. The next offense of this commercial is that it uses bobble heads to sell the product. Why? Aren’t we past these fucking things. Why not use wishing trolls. At least you would be one step closer to honesty. This vehicle is for fags and little girls. Then the song. I hate this song. How does a Jeep bounce? I know it isn’t because this piece of shit is going off road. Hell according to the song they are Steady Bouncin Them Jeeps on the New York Streets. So what, are they actually suggesting you put hydrolics on your jeep? Please god if this is what they want..kill me. This just shouldn’t be allowed.

Fuck all that.


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