Holiday Hell

Why does it seem that when you are a child the time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s is the most magical time? Perhaps it is because all of your family is around and you get delicious food and cool presents. Then when you are of school going age, it is the time you get the most days off from school with out it being summer. As you grow into a teenager it becomes the time where if you can just make it through the family stuff you can go get drunk with your friends in your rich friend’s basement. Then from there it becomes more and more about making sure everything is right for when your guests come. Well here is a list of my memories…at least the ones that are mentionable.

Thanksgiving 1986: It is my first year in kindergarten. I am trying to figure out why I am the only Indian in the Thanksgiving pageant. Apparently it is because I have a slightly darker complexion than most white people in the colder months. In reality it is probably because all the pilgrims killed off my Native relatives through murder and disease. On Thanksgiving Day my mom wants me to wear my little buckskin outfit in front of my family. I shoot the turkey with my little bow and arrow and am confined to my room.

Christmas 1986: The last day before school lets out we are supposed to make little paper Christmas trees, color them and glue one of our school photos to it. I proceed to make the project and eat an entire box of Prang crayons. I spend the next two days with the runs and when Christmas eve comes around I have eaten so much of my grandmother’s home made candy that I am hyped up on sugar during church. I scream the words to silent night and spend the rest of Christmas Eve confined to my room.

New Year’s Eve 1986: My family goes up to our camp with all of our friends. My friend Jay and I build an igloo in the woods and it caves in on us. Luckily our heads made it out before the total collapse and we lay there in the snow for two hours before one of our family friends discovers us while on a snowmobile. That night I decide to help myself to some of the cherries the adults are eating. I get wicked drunk and discover that I love booze.

Thanksgiving 1989: This time there are four Natives in the Thanksgiving Pageant. I am dealing with a nasty rash because I got the idea to rubber cement the feathers directly to my head. Thanksgiving day we go to my grandma’s for the feast. My cousin and I get into a contest to see who can eat the most mashed potatoes. I win but end up sick for the next day.

Christmas Eve 1989: I discover in church that I am allergic to all of the incense that is burning. I spend the rest of the mass outside on the steps playing with a stick and wondering why they don’t repaint the light up baby Jesus’ face since he now looks more like Casper the friendly Christ.

Christmas Day 1989: The neighbor kid and I both got Nintendos for Christmas and we spend the next week until new years playing Mario, Megaman, and Mighty Bomb Jack.

New Year’s Eve 1989: It has now become a yearly tradition to go to camp for New Years. Jay and I find the steepest hill we have ever seen, which in all honesty is just a cliff. We decide to sled ride on it and break our sleds. Instead of realizing it is dangerous we decided to go down on our asses. After about the third run we cause a small avalanche and spend the next two hours trapped in the snow. I am beginning to realize I hate the snow at camp.

Thanksgiving 1991: I get into the cranberry juice early and get a wonderful case of the shits. The day of school before hand doesn’t go so badly. A black family has moved into our neighborhood and this year their four kids play the Indians. Right before school lets out we have to make paper turkeys using our hands as a pattern. There is a little girl who was born with little stubs instead of fingers. I offer to help her make one since she has no fingers. She cries and I get in trouble for making fun of her. I get home and wind up grounded. Ahh, another Thanksgiving spent in my room. Thanks Stub Fingered Girl.

Christmas 1991: Today the school set up a “Santa Shop” where we can go and buy cheap little gifts. I buy myself a switchblade comb. When I jokingly pull it on my cousin on Christmas eve at my grandmother’s house his mom thinks it is real. I spend the next two hours having a “Good Talking Too” by my mom. I can’t wait to sneak more cherries over New Year’s at camp.

New Year’s Eve 1991: At camp one of the girls decides I am her boyfriend and she spends the entire trip trying to kiss me. Apparently our parents thought it would be cute so I had to give her a New Year’s Kiss. At least I didn’t spend the day trapped in a snow mound, but there is always next year.

Thanksgiving 1992: Well I am 11 now, which means I am supposed to graduate from the kids table. Unfortunately my family is so large that I am still confined to it. I feel cheated and refuse to eat. My dad is drunk and screams that if I don’t eat he is going to shove me in the oven instead of the turkey. I should have made a note to get used to this.

Christmas 1992: It is the day before Christmas eve and my dad comes home from the company party drunk out of his mind. He is with his boss because they decide they want to drink more at our house. His boss urinates on the floor before leaving and my dad passes out in the bathroom hugging the toilet. My mom won’t be home for a few more hours because she is decorating the church. I clean the urine and get my dad into bed. He gives me a cheap swiss army knife knock off that has Copenhagen written on the side and tells me just before he passes out that it was my Christmas present. I break into the liquor cabinet and get drunk on rum. By the time my mom gets home I am semi sober and crying that Christmas isn’t real. She pulls off an elaborate illusion Christmas eve to make me believe Santa is real. I come to find dad wasn’t kidding and all I got from him that year was the knife. It broke on Christmas day.

New Years 1992: Up at camp again. Oh Joy. As it turns out I am an 11 year old with a drinking problem and spend most of the four days there sipping from a bottle of peppermint schnapps I keep hidden in my jacket. Jay and I get the idea to tie our sleds to the back of a Snowmobile and have his uncle pull us around. It is fun for about the first hour or so, but his uncle is drunk and forgets both the fact that we are tied to the back, and that he should probably return to camp before the snowmobile runs out of gas. After a good three hour hike all I want to do is go to sleep. That night I get really drunk and try to kiss the girl from last year. She informs me that I am creepy and I realize for the first time most women use you for what they want then move on. I am now the only 11 year old with a drinking problem and a cynical out look on life.

Thanksgiving 1997: I decide that I am sick of sitting at the kids table. I put an appearance in at the meal and go to my friend Zak’s house for the day. We spend the day with some other friends playing video games and sneaking beer. I eat a cheese sandwich and announce to the room full of my friends that I am thankful for my balls. My girlfriend at the time calls me to break up with me because I frighten her parents. I end up thanking my balls all alone.

Christmas 1997: I am thrilled because I got a new amp for Christmas and my parents spend the next two hours arguing over who got it for me. I keep thinking of things I can do to get confined to my room so I can attend to the bottle of Jack hidden under my bed.

New Year’s 1997: It is New Year’s eve and it is the first snow storm I have driven in. I am supposed to go pick up my friend Jeremy because he and some other kids from my band are spending New Years at my house. The major problem is My dad and I got drunk because he has a bar in the basement. I drive to the mall drunk as a skunk and pick up Jeremy. On the way home a combination of intoxication and bad ice lands us in a field on the side of the rode. We sit in the snow for about an hour before I can get the car out. I hate this tradition.

Thanksgiving 1998: I don’t remember much of this one. I am sure I did some stupid ass thing, but really, at this point who cares.

Christmas 1998: I get asked by my mom’s choir to bring all of my recording equipment down to the Church and record them singing Christmas hymns. I set up my stuff in the back of the Choir loft which is also the bell house. No one informed me there was no insulation so it was freezing and there were rats. Big church rats.

New Year’s 1998: I spend it at my friend Zak’s house. I get plastered and roll around naked on a dare. The video of which haunts me until this day.

Thanksgiving 1999: Another girlfriend decides to dump me right around Thanksgiving. I hate them all. I am 18 years old and STILL at the kids table. My dog decided to help herself to the turkey. Good for her. My pap is forcing us to watch football. I wonder if it is to early to get drunk or if any of my friends are holding. I spend the day thinking about how lucky I am going to be next year since I joined the Air Force and wouldn’t have to be around for the Holidays.

Christmas 1999: The school asked my band and my friend’s band to play at the Christmas gathering before releasing us from school. Apparently they didn’t realize just what kind of band we were. We cover two Black Sabbath songs then do an original about Santa Clause coming to town to kick some ass. We are asked to get off the stage. I was wearing ripped up scrubs soaked with fake blood and a lime green beanie. I became hero to many.

New Year’s eve 1999: This year Zak has his own apartment so we spend it there. I have had a potent mix of various booze and Mean Green. My friend Pugz and I go back to his house where we kill a bottle of tequila and play N64. He gets way to drunk and breaks out his window with his head to vomit. We were in the attic and the spew was down the side of his house.

Thanksgiving 2000: Well the Air Force didn’t exactly work out and I am back at home. My parents are divorced and I am gripped in depression. I have to attend multiple Thanksgivings now. My mom’s mom, her boyfriend’s mom, my dad’s mom and his friend all have a Thanksgiving meal. I am thankful that my friend Dave has a keg at his house and I will be spending the night there. Dave and I go out bowling with some other friends and we get high on wippets. Dave and his girlfriend break up and he tries to pick up an Asian chick to no avail. We return to his house and start on the keg, he, myself and our boss get completely hammered and play Playstation. We determine his dog is a homo.

Christmas and New Year’s 2000: Not a whole lot has improved here. I am not going into detail

Christmas 2003: I am done with college and I moved back to PA from Detroit. My room mate and I can’t afford a tree so we use a stick we found in the parking lot. We decorate it with a string of chili pepper lights, beer cans, condoms and a head from a Jabba the Hutt figure. We spend the next week with our friends getting wasted in our apartment.

New Year’s 2003: Another year to get older and deeper in debt. Where are the booze and the drugs. My girlfriend and I Have a good time together. My room mate Chuck has had a good Christmas because I got him a bass and an amp. His New Year’s was shitty though because he got stuck out at his mom’s house and I had to go get him. We spend the night at my mom’s house drinking wine.

Thanksgiving 2004: I am no longer at the kids table. I have lost my job, I m in debt up to my eyeballs. My girlfriend broke up with me over Halloween and things are still nasty between us. I am thankful for not a whole lot. I go home get drunk and pass out. My friends from northern PA come in with their band and stay with us. We have a good time playing Mario 3.

Christmas 2004: I go to may parent’s place. It isn’t bad. I go home depressed. My roommate has fallen asleep on the couch and is almost shitting himself. He has a hole in his underware.

New Year’s 2004: I got a good job with a cable company so I have some money this year. I buy $250 worth of liquor and drink myself almost to death. I am discovered in a bathtub passed out, purple with the shower running and all my clothes on. My girlfriend and I are on the verge of getting back together. I hate my new apartment.

Christmas 2005: My girlfriend and I got a used fake tree from a friend of ours. It smells awful and we are sure it had mice in the box it was stored in, but at least it isn’t a stick. My stepsister comes to hang out with us and it is a good time. I wish I still got high. I wish I had some booze.

New Years 2005: We have another party. Chuck has moved out and my friend Zak is now living with us. The party is alright, but I got really drunk and ate two boxes of Hickory Farms party food. My buddy John Paul shows up but is assaulted in the parking lot by a drunken fireman. We all get wasted and have a good night. My friend Josh brought this girl to the party who got way to drunk and this year it was her who ended up passed out in the shower. I think the shower is new snowbank.

Thanksgiving 2006: I live in South Dakota with my wife. It is my first Thanksgiving away from home and I miss my mom. The day itself is bittersweet for me because I miss my friends and family to death, but I just got offered an amazing job with the city of Rapid City. My dad lives out here so we spent the day with some of his family. Brittany gets sauced on some wine and we almost hit a Buffalo on the way home. We made the drunken observation that buffalo and big horn sheep both have HUGE balls. Although the buffalo’s sack far surpasses that of the big horn because the buffalo’s looks like two watermelons in a pillow case. We also recognize that Bob is a good dog.

One week after Thanksgiving 2006: My cousin, his fiancé and her brother come in from Wyoming to celebrate a belated Thanksgiving with us. My wife makes a wonderful dinner which I will be eating for the next four days. We go out to the Stampede where we all get hosed and decide to ride the mechanical bull. I hurt myself very bad and found that I am not meant for the PBR. Scott and his crew go back to Wyoming and I spend the next few days missing my mom.

We are rapidly approaching Christmas and New Years and the simple facts are I don’t know how it is going to be. My wife and I are away from our families and our closest friends. I worry about my mom and we realize we can’t afford to go home for the holidays and no one is coming to see us. We are going to do our best to have a good time, but statistics show I am going to get fucked up and end up in a snow bank.


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