So how were your holidays?

I hate this question more than anything. To be perfectly honest I don’t think it is that stupid of a question, but after you give your answer to this question the asker inevitably tells you how his holiday season was spent, and it is always the worst, stupidest and most retarded thing you will ever here. Here is an example.

Him: “Hey E-Rokk, how did your holidays go?”

Me: ” Oh pretty good, I went and visted my family and we had a great time. Thanks for asking.”

Him: “Oh well that’s great to hear. Let me tell you about mine. It was December 24th and I just stumbled in from a two day whisky bender. As I was laying on the floor in my ripped up underwear I was reflecting back on the last two days. Earlier in the day on the 23rd I stopped in the mall to visit Santa and I mouth fucked an elf. Apparently they don’t like that. I tell ya what though, we will get to that later. I punched out of work from the tire lube express looking forward to having the next four days off and my buddy comes up to me and says “Hey man, why not come out and have a few drinks with us?” I though about it for a while, because to be totally honest according to my most recent court order I wasn’t supposed to drink for at least the next six months, but I figured fuck it, it was Christmas”

“So we headed down to the pub and I started in to the Jack Daniels and at about 7:30 this fat son of a bitch wonders in off the street dressed as Santa ringing his bell. I said, “Hey buddy stop ringing that fuckin bell before I shove it up your ass hole you fucking walrus schlong.” Now I admit I was drunk and pretty emotional but this guy just wanted to fight. He was all like “Ho ho ho” and I was like, “Mother fucker, who are you calling a ho, I oughtta come over there and shove my man pole so far down your throat I hit shit.” Then he goes on about how I am gonna get a lump of coal for Christmas, and I tell him about how he is gonna get a lump of shit after I bend a fresh stink roll in his mouth. Well we get to throwing down some serious fisticuffs when I start telling him I am gonna fuck his wife like the rotten donkey corpse she is. Then he busts in two tears and says his wife died to years ago. Then I shouted something about her death being related to me slamming her vaginal ham salad until it burst an aneurism in her brain, then he left weeping like a little bitch”

“So any how me and Tim and Joe Bob Beauffured go over to the Wal Mart since it’s about twenty after two and that’s the only thing open. Well while we are there I start thinking about my two lovely turtles swimming around in their tank at home and how it would be nice to get them a Christmas present. Well I know how much they love to eat fresh goldfish so that is what I decided to get them. Well I go and dig up an employee to fish me two of the little guys out. She says to me, “You want those goldfish now?” and I say, “Hell yes I want them now.”, she says “well goldfish need at least eight hours of darkness.”. I look around the store for a second and say “Oh yeah cause these bright ass fluorescent lights do a great job of keeping it dark. Finally she waddles her fat ass over to the fish tank and digs out two fish. She turns her hairy eyeball to me, the one that wasn’t crossed and looking at the floor and asks, “Will these do?”. I take a look at them and say, “No they won’t fucking do. One is dead and the other one is a runt.”. She flaps her girthy arm fat and tosses them back into the tank and pulls out two more. She then interrupts the Earth’s natural field of gravity by turning again and says “Well then, these two.” I take one look and say “listen you brother fucking hillbilly those are silver, I want goldfish.”. She gets all offended and after jiggling her thirty three chins for a while she spouts out, “These are goldfish.”, I say, “No tub a lub, those are fucking angelfish, try again.” Well the third time must have been the charm cause she got the right fish. As she is bagging them up she shoots another hairy eye at me and says, “Now if these fish die you can bring them back and exchange them.” I say, “Oh they are most certainly going to die because I am gonna feed them to my turtles.” Shortly after that we left.”

“So we are back at Joe Bob’s house and we are drinking SoCo, when I start to get the woozies. Well everyone has their own way to cure drunkenness, mine is to take a shower. I got undressed and crawled in the shower. As I lied there on the bath tub floor with the shower running over me I started to feel like I had to puke and shit at the same time…so I did. I am there on the tub floor curled up in the aborted fetus position while liquid and chunks are spewing out of my mouth and ass and I saw god. He starts yammering on about the reason for the season and I try to block him out. Well after a while the vomiting and shitting stops, but now I am just covered in it and it is blocking up the drain. I use one of Joe Bob’s shampoo bottles to swirl the mess down the drain and luckily after about a half hour it has all gone down. I rinse myself off and get out of the shower.”

“After toweling off I smell this strange aroma and I realize I am catching a whiff off my shit stained balls. I decide to use a pair of Joe Bob’s wife’s panties that were laying on the floor to scrape the remaining shit off my unshaven nutsack and I toss them on the window seal. As I walk out of the bathroom I discover Tim has gone home and Joe Bob is fucking his dog. I mean he is wrenching his love knuckle right in this German Shepard’s crap factory. I exclaim “Joe Bob, what the fuck are you doing?!” Joe Bob pulls his beef hammer out of the dogs anus and just looks at me. His cock is covered in dog shit and curdled semen, and down near the base was a glistening drop of blood. Apparently he chapped his shaft.”

“Being completely disgusted I took it as my queue to leave. I walked outside just as the sun came up carrying a bottle of SoCo in one hand and my bag of goldfish in the other and being to drunk to drive I decide to take the bus home. On the cross town bus I meet this total slut wearing a pair of track pants with the word “Juicy” on the ass and she starts flirting with me. Well I decide to go with her back to her house. We finish the SoCo and she gets out a bottle of Jim Beam. We drink until about ten after twelve when she starts rubbing on my nuts. Well I see the top of her “Bad Kitty” thong and my manly penis gets completely engorged. She puts some music on and to my delight it was Foreigner’s greatest hits. As she is writhing naked on the floor just begging for it “Juke Box Hero” starts blaring from the speakers and I knew it was time to pop this little lady with a hot load of love seed.”

“By about 1:30 I decide to head back on my way and get back on the bus. My crotch starts to itch and I think to myself “Man, I hope she didn’t give me the herp.”. So the bus pulls in to the mall and I see a sign that Santa is in there. Well I didn’t feel that I actually got my fill of insulting the fat bastard the night before, so I drunkenly stumble in to the Mecca of blatant consumerism looking for the jolly overweight bowl full of jelly. As I approach the food court I see his red costume and get in line. When it gets to be my turn the elf looks up at me and says “Where’s your kid, its their turn to sit on Santa’s lap.” I reply “I don’t have any kids I admit to, I wanna see the Clause.” He then informs me that adults are not allowed to see Santa at this point. I smack the elf dead in the face with my bag of goldfish and as he winces in shock and horror I whip out my cock and throw it in his mouth. I make sure to slap him in the eye ball before he can bite down. I proceed to put my sword back in its sheath and yell “Hey kids the fake Santa is a big fat fuck” as I run away.”

“Luckily the bus was waiting there when I ran out of the mall I hopped on and made my escape. As the bus rolled on I noticed the next stop was another bar and being that it was about 2:30 I decided it was to replenish my buzz. I leapt off the bus and went in. As soon as I got there this obese pumpkin of a woman started starring at me and getting moist. Now I didn’t want any of that because I was certain her smelly chasm would rival a hairy whale’s vagina, so I ignored her for the time being. About four hours later I needed a cigarette and being that I asked all the actual humans to bum a smoke and none were complying I decided it was time to flirt with the lard queen.”

“She managed to grunt out a hello between phlegm and emphysema and after I threw up in my mouth a little I said hello back. After some more flirting she offered me a smoke, but to my dismay it was an ultra light Virginia Slim, but being that I needed a smoke and tar lung was the only one offering I took it. I said “Thanks a lot fatty boom batty” and decided it was time to find another bar.”

“I walked out side, it was dark now and snowing and very very cold. Just as I was thinking to myself that I could see my breath I was struck in the head from behind and robbed. They took my shoes and my coat, but at least they left me my goldfish which by some miracle were still alive. When I cam too it was about 4 in the morning, but at least I was only a few blocks from my apartment. I walked the rest of the way home, fed the fish to the turtle, stripped down to my skivvies and lied on the floor.”

“I blacked out until late in the day on Christmas then ate a can of imitation Spam and went to bed. It was the worst Christmas ever.”

Me: “Wow…That story, and not to mention your telling it has ruined my life.”

Now that is just an example of what can happen, but come to think of it that is a pretty good fucking story. I am going to spend all year memorizing it so next year when one of you homos walks over to me and asks how my holidays were I have something to tell you.


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