This entire weekend proved to be quite interesting…quite interesting indeed. Some friends came to visit us from Pennsylvania this week which multiplies the strangeness of my weekend exponentially. First, there was Thursday night. After dinner on Thursday Josh and I went up to the mall to get a few things while Brittany and Laurie stayed home to talk and get caught up. On our way home from the mall, Josh and I decided we wanted to get wasted, so we stopped in a grocery store to pick up some 40’s and a bottle of whisky. On the way back from the store, we noticed a banner outside a bar that advertised penny pitchers. Being the good sports we are, we decided to stop in and check it out.
As it turns out, it was the Gong Show hosted by X-ROCK Morning Wood at Phatty McGee’s. There were so many interesting characters at this event, I will try and describe them the best I can. First, there was Meatloaf’s drunken cousin. This guy is my hero and did the best version of total eclipse of the heart I have ever heard. Then there were the token college bar girls, the white kids who can’t find their own identity so they latch on to that of another group, and the ultra depressed drunks who had probably been sitting there since the place opened.
Josh and I decided to participate in the Gong show, so I dug deep and did a thrashing air guitar to “I Wanna Rock” by Twisted Sister, which not only won me the air guitar portion, but got the highest score of the evening, a 28 out of 30. Josh also attempted to wail the imaginary six string, but instead looked more like a victim of a terrible nerve disease, and having “You’re So Vain” by Carley Simon as his song probably didn’t help his case.
I also did a little stand up, but got shafted by a female judge who didn’t like vagina jokes. Though I am sure she was just doing her job.
Friday night the four of us went out to dinner and ate our fill at the Fire House. Never missing an opportunity to drink copious amounts I drank two sampler platters of their micro brewed beer then drank a few full size glasses. After we left Josh and I ventured out on the town while the ladies went home to prep themselves for their evening out. Being the gentlemen we are, we wanted to do something dignified, something becoming of young professionals like ourselves, something that really made a statement about who we are, so we went to a strip club.
Now friends, I won’t lie to you. By most people’s standards I have been around the block, seen quite a bit of nudity, and am a well qualified connoisseur of female bodies. I have a very broad taste in broads; my standards are high, but very open. I will give a chick the benefit of the doubt if she is willing to show me her stink pie and tumbley muffins. In my adventures I have enjoyed fine reviews at such wonderful clubs as Cheetahs of Windsor in Windsor Ontario; Déjà vu, in Detroit, Mi; Scores in Miami, Fl; Club Elite in Pittsburgh, Pa; and Stop 22/ Streekerz in Johnstown, Pa, so I thought I knew what was in store for me. I was very very mistaken.
Being that I myself am still fairly new to the area, I had no idea what strip clubs were around, so I used the good old internet and found two; Shotgun Willies, and The Belle Star. After a coin flip we settled on the wrong one. Now in my adventures to into gentlemen’s clubs I have been to some dirty seedy strip joints, but this place took the cake. First off I planned for a $10 – $20 cover since that is the price of most of the places I have been too. When we get there we find it is 3 bucks, and Josh got in for free with an expired student I.D. that was from a year before he graduated college. At any rate, the first thing I thought was odd was that the cat walk and poles were no where in sight, but rather than worry about it I decided to venture in. I walked up to the bar and ordered a drink and used the change to get some ones.
With a fresh beer in my hand I saw the entrance to the stripper section. We headed in with our hopes still high. Well much like the plans, lives hopes and dreams of the flesh parade we were about to view, our hopes for a good show were quickly crushed. The first girl we saw had absolutely no stage presence, looked as though she hadn’t showered in three weeks and had so many stretch marks across her misshapen gut it looked like a relief map of the Grand Canyon and surrounding area.
Any one who ever had a school girl fantasy would have it crushed by the outfit this chick was in because it was just gross. Believe me, I went to catholic school, I have had every imaginable school girl fantasy, she ruined them all. As she took it off, her tits resembled balloons that had at one point been fully inflated then left to hang on the wall for weeks after the party until the tape dried and the fell to the floor leaving only the deflated, overstretched empty husk. Still, I decided to play along and try to have a good time. I waved a bill and got her to dance in front of me.
Honestly, though I wouldn’t hire her to dance in a club of my own, she was a very sweet girl so I had no problem tossing a few more bills her way. I must say though, from where I was sitting near the back of the cat walk, when she walked back and pressed her forehead to the mirror to showcase herself removing her skirt, I swear I saw a single tear drop fall from her eye as if to say, “Why couldn’t there be one extra bullet in last night’s game of Russian Roulette”. But what can I say, as the great poets the Blood Hound Gang put it “I have to admit it was even more of a turn-on when I found out she was doin’ me to buy baby formula.”
The next girl to come out wasn’t so bad. She wasn’t that much of an impressive dancer either, but she had a nice ass and nothing really to disgusting about her. I am fairly certain of all the girls in the club, she was probably doing it for a few extra bucks and wouldn’t be there the next time I was.
Then there was the girl Josh and I had the highest hopes for. We had been keeping an eye on her during the dances of the first two…ladies. As soon as she hit the stage I could tell this was going to be the girl that lifted the gloom of the evening which had rolled in thicker than London Fog, or in this case thicker than the yellowy discharge I am sure most of these girls woke up with. Not only was she extremely good looking, she also put on a hell of a show…before she even took her clothes off!!! She was whipping her legs around, hanging from poles, sliding, bouncing and just really working the crowd.
I decided it was time for some more personal time, so I tossed a few bills on the catwalk and she came over by me, the first dance was AMAZING, and she finished by acting like she was giving me a blow job, and she had a vibrating ball in her mouth I could feel. I decided I was going to keep this girl by us for most of her dance. Josh and I kept tossing bills her way and she kept us entertained, then finally something happened that would forever burn the night in my memory. She turned and asked me, “Do you like ass?”
Thinking that there is in no way an answer of “yes”, to that question could be bad, I gave her the reply. She got into a doggy style position and began shaking her ass in my face, then without warning she reached back, grabbed my head and jammed my nose in her ass. I don’t mean it was close to her ass, or even on her ass, I mean…IT WAS IN HER ASS. My nose had entered her colon. I made the mistake of gasping for air and I got a big shnoz of ass breeze. I swear it smelled exactly like my bathroom the day after a night of heavy drinking and Mexican food. A little part of me died right there that I will never get back. I may not have served in combat, but I now share the 1000 yard stare of any hardened veteran. Not only did it stink stank stunk, but on a side note I am pretty sure she busted something in my nose.
The next little gem that decided to shake it was billed to be the hottest MILF in South Dakota. It is no secret I have a MILF fetish, but my basic rule is they have to be younger than my own mother, or else it is creepy. This chick was way outside those parameters, but again I gave her the benefit of the doubt because her tits weren’t old enough to attend a PG movie by themselves.
After accusing josh of trying to shove his finger inside her while placing a bill in her g- string, we were worried security was going to toss us out. Instead she kept coming around us claiming she had almost gotten off. Trying to work a dollar out of my tightly closed wallet, she hung from an over head bar and put her legs around my head. As she pulled me in to her crotch I tried to fight it a little because after the last experience I was still checking to see if my beak was bleeding. Once she had me at her taco stand I quickly realized she needed to have the hedges trimmed and got the hell out of there.
Josh and I realized these were the only four girls that were working that shift and decided to leave before seeing it again. Something told us it would be far worse than say riding through “A Small World” at Disney twice in a row, or being a Jew during world war 2. It was bad.
We went back home to arrange for our Designated Drivers for the evening so we could continue our binge drinking. Once that was in place we were disappointed by the Stampede since they weren’t running the mechanical bull that night and headed down town to drink at such fine places as Phatty’s, Murphy’s and Teddy’s. We ended up drinking in Murphy’s until close then going home and drinking till the sun came up.
Saturday we all went to Deadwood for Brittany’s Birthday, and Sunday we went to go see some attractions, and though those are good stories as well I will save them for another time.