Dalton Hawk is: The Exploder!


The greatest movie ever would be if Patrick Swayze and Sylvester Stallone had their genes spliced together and the super gene was used to clone an all together new being. Then the being would live only to star in a movie that is a combination of Road House and Over the Top, and the main characters name was (dun dun dun) DALTON HAWK!!! This movie would have to be directed by John Carpenter and star Jean Claude Van Damme, Steven Segal, Dolph Lundgren, and Brian Bosworth as a gang of renegades hell bent on world domination which was led by Vernon Wells (a.k.a. Bennet from Commando). They could call this movie THE EXPLODER. The whole thing would start off in a bayou in 1992. There would be a scene of Dalton Hawk standing on the porch of some shitty bar smoking a cigarette. The camera would go into the bar and there would be women in big 80s hair in those old school giant bikini bottoms with their titties hanging out serving drinks to a bunch of drunks. Nickleback would all have mullets and be playing behind chicken wire, but their movie name would be Fabulous Jack and the Slackers. A fight would break out and our hero would enter. At this point he would have to be dressed like Kurt Russell in Big Trouble in Little China. He would start kicking some MAJOR ass in a fight scene that was cheesier and more unnecessary than all of the fights in all of the movies Keanu Reeves movies ever made.

Then Dalton Hawk would uncover some plot to drill for oil in the bayou and he would start driving his giant rig around. He would be on a quest to save his shitty little town, but on the way he would have to stop in to arm wrestling contests to win money to finance his one man war. He would not only have to over come the evil gang, but he would have to become that arm wrestling champion of the world. He would spend the rest of the movie blowing shit up. I don’t just mean little explosions I mean like entire cities. Because he is in fact THE EXPLODER!!! He would have some cheesy catch phrase like “Step outta line, your ass is mine!!!”

There would be gratuitous sex scenes with Anna Nichole Smith, some sort of shower scene where you saw her tits and his ass covered in soap. Then a final fight scene where he squares off against the evil gang and kicks al their asses in his cowboy boots and mirrored aviator glasses. The movie would close with him walking back to his big ass rig with Anna Nichole Smith and some Tesla song playing in the background.

The EXPLODER! 2:Hawks Eye
The EXPLODER! 3:Family Tradition
The EXPLODER! 4:Final-Countdown
The EXPLODER! Rides Again
The EXPLODER!: Out of Luck

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