Jimmy Bean and the Deerlephant

I member it like it was jist yisterdee. My brother Jethro n I was huntin up in Potter County Pennsylvania. We loves huntin up der. We don’t have a camp though cause wees to poor, but we load up my 1973 ford pick up with r guns n r tents and go. Yunz thought I was gunna say Guns N Roses huh? Nah I love Axl but dat aint what dis here story is about.

Anyhoo, me n Jethro was up in Potter County huntin fer deer. It was the first day of deer huntin season right after thanks givin and it was cold. We got all dressed up in r camelflauge. Other people say that you should wear bright orange when huntin, but dem deers r intelli…intella..intilla… dem deers r smart.

It was real early doe, like maybe 4:30 in da morning. Me n Jethro was hunkered down under dis tree just waitin fer the hunt. Now I dunno if many of you know dis, but a northern Pennsylvania snow snake is de most venomist snake out der. Dat is da kind a snake dat keeled Pa, may god rest his soul. Well de only way to neutralize snow snake venom is to drink a shit load of peppermint schnapps.


The Northern Pennsylvania Snow Snake

So der sits me n Jethro drinkin r peppermint schnapps and we r probably at 4 bottles a piece when we sees it. The scariest thing we ever sawd. The noble and majestic derrlephant.
Close yer eyes n magine it. Well don’t actually close yer eyes er you won’t get ta read da story. Anyway. There it was. It had a body of a elephant, but covered in soft brown fur like a deer. It had a soft tail like a white tale, and a deer’s head, but with an elephant’s trunk. On either side of da drunk where da tusks would be were horns like a deer, but mounted like tusks.


The Deerlephant in all his glory

We watched da great beast graze fer a while but den Jethro moved and spooked it a little. It lifted its massive head and lept with da swiftness of a deer. We decided to track da great beast. If anyone was gunna bring down da mighty deerlephant it was gunna be us. We wanted to be extra careful doe, so we each drank anutter bottle of peppermint schnapps.

Now you gotta be extra careful when huntin da deerlephant. It has the cunni…kunni.kahnn…smarts and agility of a deer, but da bulk of an elephant. We followed it through de underbrush. We saw many a buck dat day, stand around bein all non deerlephantish, but we let dem pass, we didn’t wanna spook da deerlephant.

I could tell wees was gittin close cause wees was seein all da signs. Deerlephant scrapes, Deerlephant rubs, Deerlephant droppins. All signs pointed to da Deerlephant. At least I think it was da deerlephant, I didn’t actually know what all dat stuff would look like since I had never actually seen me a deerlephant befer.

Yunz aint gonna believe what happened next. Jethro n I had been trackin dis beast fer at least six ires, and when we got to da top of dis ridge, we decided it was time to stop n eat. We unpacked da pickle n mustard sammiches ma made fer us n we began ta eat. Wees was warshin em down with more peppermint schnapps, you never can be too careful. I don’t wanna even guess how many bottles we drank at dis point, but no snow snakes were gittin da better of us. Just then, wees hear a rustling in da bushes.

Jethro dropped his sammich and slowly turned around. He was face to face wit da Deerlephant. Now normally I wouldda blasted dat somanabeetch right der, but Jethro was in day dang gone way. Sos I retched down on na ground der and I felt around fer a good size whackin stick. My fingers locked on to a pretty good stump n I brought it up to smack da Deerlephant which at dis point we had begun to affectionately refer to as Kyle. Kyle da danged old Deerlephant. Anyhoo der I am just whackin away on Kyle, my whackin stick was about to break in half when Jethro got my attention. Apparently Kyle just disappeared when I bugn whackin on him and I was left spankin a tree.

Jethro n I packed up r stuff and got back on da trail. If Kyle was runnin through dees woods someone else could bag him and we couldn’t have dat. Well we tracked him fer another for hours and we never did find him. We also noticed as we ran outta snw snake medicine it got harder and harder ta track him. I know Kyle is out der doe, just stalkin me and waitin fer his moment. He must have followed us down outta does woods and down outta Potter County cause every time Jethro n I get in da shine or da peppermint schnapps Wees sees him again just out a da corner of our eyes. Kyle, King of da Deerlephants.

-Jimmy Bean

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