Once again, if you kill yourself because of anything listed on here, you are too fucking stupid to live. This is a joke. Learn to laugh at yourself. Dumb ass.
Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Go on look. Notice anything? Are you wearing anything tie dye? Are you a white kid with dread locks? Do you wear flip flops or sandals any where other than the beach? How about youre taste in music. Do you listen to The Doors, The Grateful Dead, Pink Floyd, The out there Beatles shit, Jefferson Airplane, Blind Mellon and the Steve Miller Band on a regular basis? How about jewelry, do you own anything made of hemp? Do you own multiple types of incense? Well I am sorry to inform you. You are a fucking hippy and you must be killed. If you don kill yourself I will be coming to do it, but the list is already rather long, so why dont you do us both a favor and take yourself out. I recommend taking all your crappy tie dye shirts and knotting them together into a rope. Then hang your self so you can actually tie DIE.
So, do you watch Lifetime, or The O, or WE? Do you own a pair of black stretchy stirrup pants? Do you buy Snackwell cookies to lose some of your fat ass than eat nine boxes in one sitting? Do you buy three Big Macs and a large fry only to wash it down with a 32oz barrel of Diet Coke? Do you have a years supply of White Rain products to spray on your frizzled head? Do you own any book with Fabio on the cover. Ask yourself honestly, do you find Cathy Griffin funny? I would tell you to go ahead and kill yourself, but lets face it, you really dont have to much longer left any way. More than likely you will end up choking on what ever calorie laden glob you call food you are shoveling into the orifice located above your seven-teen chins while crying over some shitty movie on your womans channel. Your existence sickens me and I am glad it will be over soon.
Do you care about politics? Do you think because you listen to nothing but talk radio it makes you better than everyone else? Do you donate to NPR, than talk about it all year long? Do you own any bit of clothing relating to a law firms softball team? Chances are you already realize you should be dead because absolutely no one gives a shit about you, but rather than ending your life you take it upon yourself to try and force your shitty views on the rest of us. I am not going to beat around the bush here, stick a good sharp knife right in to your throat and move it in a side to side motion. Every one hates you and no one will attend your funeral.
Do you own a cowboy hat with a brim larger than your shoulders? Do you live in the middle of densely populated city, yet own a Ford F250 Super Duty Diesel that is a dually? Do you own a Big and Rich album, and a Toby Keith album? Do you enjoy Rascal Flats and Keith Urban? Have you ever asked yourself, When is Garth Brookes gonna come out with a new album? Are your jeans so tight they squeeze your already almost non existent tentacles to the point that it makes you walk funny? Have you ever spent more than $400 on a pair of boots? Have you ever commented on her honky tonk ba donk a donk?Believe me, you deserve to die. I would tell you to kill yourself, but you would probably screw that up the way you have screwed up your entire life. So instead, here is the plan for you. Drive your stupid big ass truck down to the local bar or club where all the black guys hang out. Walk in through the door and proclaim, this place should be a honky tonk, followed by Why doesnt the juke box have Boot Scoot Boogie. The first gentleman that walks up to you to politely tell you that you should consider another establishment, put your hand on his shoulder, lean in real close and say any phrase beginning with the word boy and ending with the south will rise again. The solution will work itself out.
Hey buddy, hows it going? Pretty good huh? You just got done watching Days of Thunder, Top Gun, Over the Top and Road House back to back? Are you super excited that tomorrow you can watch 16 ours of NASCAR with all five channels of NASCAR In Car? Do you know how to play NASCAR Math? Is your mullet pristine? Do you listen to Molly Hatchet and Rush while rumbling down the road in your rusted out 69 Camero? Is the fact that there is more to Daytona than the speed way and the Hooters across the street a mystery to you? Do you own a pair of jean shorts that are so short one of your nuts hangs out that you made yourself? Well Skeeter, I got some bad news for ya. NASCAR is the most boring and annoying thing on the planet, and if your brain could focus on anything other than your white high tops and fucking your fat sister you would probably realize that. Go out to the garage and just bash yourself in the skull with a tire iron. If you somehow live through it and come out of the coma, repeat as necessary.
That is all for today kiddies. If you havent found yourself yet, you are either lying to yourself or I havent gotten to you yet. See you next time, if for some reason you are still alive.