Ok this may be my first rant for Hey Stupid but this is not the first time I have ever complained to anyone about anything. I sat here thinking ”wow, I’m part of this great group of guys that have all this intellectual prowess, how the hell am I going to write anything of any worth?” You’re talking to a guy that has no contact with the outside world. I’m too lazy and too fuckin’ cheap to get cable TV or internet or even a phone. Hell, I got commercial free satellite radio just so I didn’t have to know what was going on with all the countless losers that live around me and breathe all of my sweet sweet oxygen! So perhaps as my first “rant” I will simply pose a couple of scenarios that are either royally fucking me off or royally fucking me up at the present moment.
First, what is wrong with women today? I’m not just talking the fuckable 18 to 32 age group; I’m talking about the entire race of beings that have a vagina! Case in point, this past week I went to Savannah Georgia. Granted it’s the South and things are a little different down below, but the women down there are fucking easy! Again let me repeat myself. WOMEN IN SAVANNAH GEORGIA ARE SLUTS! Now let’s get one thing straight; I am! I enjoy an easy lay from a total stranger just as much as the next guy but really, ladies, please make me work for it a little! I was there from Tuesday evening to Saturday morning…. I could have got laid every place I went. Am I bragging? Hell yes! I’m by no stretch of the imagination a good looking man, I’m chubby, pasty and have a slight case of male pattern baldness going on, but damn it, if I’m lying I’m dying of anal cancer! It was very surreal!
Second, why the fuck does everyone with a Dodge Neon or a Chevy Caviler think they have a race car? I mean seriously! You can’t polish a turd! And while I’m on these shit boxes, why does every guy with a “pimped” out Neon think they can beat me? For instance, I have a car that instantly added at least a foot of cock to my frame and made my balls swell to around 18 pounds each when I purchased it! I worked my ass off to get the car that I wanted and I’m proud of the way it looks and drives. Now, just because I own a better car than all of you does not mean that I want to race you from Long Johns to Arbys on Scalp Ave. I don’t live my life a “quarter mile at a time.” Yet low and behold every time I’m out getting groceries or going to diner with a lady friend, I get some fucking jackass sitting beside me revving his 1.3 liter and grinning at me. Heres a little piece of advice assholes, its Scalp Avenue! 25 mph speed limit! Get a life, my car has almost 300 horses and I will totally use each and every one to wipe your frat boy ass with, but not on a busy street where cops perch like vultures waiting for pricks like you to buzz by. Heres a thought! Instead of wasting another $49.95 on a really amazing tin can exhaust, how about you buy some baby formula for your ugly bastard children you have strewn over the tri-state area. Leave me the fuck alone! I will not race anything that is worth less than a years worth of insurance costs me!
Finally, Pennsylvania is really starting to piss me off! Why is this state so fucking gay when it comes to making improvements? And I’m not just talking the roads, I’m talking everything! We have more rules and regulations than any other state in this country! I want to put new windows in my house! Good for me, not only will I up the value of my property but I will insulate my house better, which unless you’re a moron means that I’ll use less natural gas to heat my house which saves our quickly diminishing supply. One would think, “Wow! You are awesome! Heres $20 from the great state of PA to help you out, thanks for being environmentally conscious and helping this shitty little state.” Nope, not only do windows cost a lot of money, but I have to get a building permit from the great state just to make any changes to the outside of my house! Can anyone explain why I need to pay almost $50 to Pennsylvania so I can install a $90 window in my fucking bathroom? And let my make one thing straight, I’m putting it in MY bathroom! MY BATHROOM!! Fuck you PA! O and I get a thing in the mail the other day thanking me for purchasing a house in the state and blah blah blah, only to get to the bottom and read where I only own the top 6 feet of topsoil on MY property. What’s the big deal you may ask? In all 49 other states when you purchase land you own that land from border to border. This also means that you own every particle of matter under your feet clear to the molten core of the earth. But not in PA! I own 6 feet down and after that it all belongs to the state! This means that if I just happen to be pile driving my penis into the soft sod in my back yard and strike some glorious black blood of the earth, I have to hand over my property and all my spoils to the commonwealth of PA! What kinda fucked up state won’t let me keep what spurts out of the ground after a good flogging from my pink flesh rocket? South Dakota looks better and better with each passing day!
That’s just a small taste of what is fucking off the JAGE these days, trust me, there is more to come…