As we draw closer and closer to the election year people ask me more and more, “E-Rokk, when will you announce your candidacy for the office of the president?” The answer must unfortunately be that I am not.
As it happens, the archaic laws of our country dictate that I am as of now too young to be considered a presidential candidate. I know that this news saddens many of you, but fear not, hope shines bright at the end of this dark tunnel of sadness. This beacon however does not lie in any of the current candidates. Let me explain.
Let’s take a look at each of the current candidates and see why we shouldn’t elect them.
Joe Biden: Biden probably beats people up for their lunch money. We don’t want some one like that.
Hillary Rodham Clinton: We can’t trust her can we? Can we?
Chris Dodd: He’s from Connecticut. Is that really even a state?
John Edwards: He claims he can talk to the dead, but my vote surely won’t be “Crossing Over” to him. On top of that he was John Kerry’s running mate. He was his sidekick. Who wants a Sidekick? You wouldn’t vote for Robin would you?
Al Gore: Oh sure, he claims he should have won in 2000, but no one gets any where on should haves. It’s an Inconvenient Truth he won’t be winning this time either.
Mike Gravel: He’s a lecturer from Springfield, Massachusetts. Springfield? What’s next Homer Simpson for president. Doh!
Dennis Kucinich: He’s from Cleveland. Has any thing good ever come from there? Don’t give away your Browns tickets just yet Dennis The Menace.
Barack Obama: This guy is so nice I am not sure he even exists.
Bill Richardson: He’s from New Mexico. What’s so new about it?
Sam Brownback: His name is Brownback, but his back is white, that makes him a liar. A bold faced liar.
Jim Gilmore: An advisor from Richmond, Virginia. Hmm an Advisor from Richmond, Va. What does he advise? Will we have to call him “Massa” when he enters the White House? Worse yet what meaning do you think the name White House will take on if he takes over?
Newt Gingrich: Newt? Newt? Why not the Gecko from Geico?
Rudy Giuliani: I love New York, how about saying what you really mean…I love transvestites?
Chuck Hagel: He’s from Nebraska. Sure he may be strong when dealing with corn and cows, but people? I don’t want to take the risk.
Mike Huckabee: I don’t heart Huckabee.
Duncan Hunter: Duncan Hunter should go back to Dunkin’ Donuts.
John McCain: Take the hint Johnny, you’ve run what, 8,000 elections?
George Pataki: I once saw him dropkick a puppy.
Ron Paul: That sounds like the name of a pirate. Someone double check for eye patch tan lines and parrot droppings.
Mitt Romney: Mitt? Really? Is his running mate named glove?
Tom Tancredo: He has a $5,000 a week Slim Jim habbit.
Fred Thompson: He’s a great actor, if wants to ACT like the boss fine. But don’t cross that line. “I’m not the president, but I play one on t.v.”
Tommy Thompson: President Tommy, that will instill fear in the hearts of our enemies I’m sure.
Now you can see as I do that none of these candidates should lead us in 2008 or ever. With that in mind I am proud to announce that I will be backing Stephen Colbert. I don’t want to see him be president though. Nay, I say we elect him, Stephen Colbert King of America.
Think about it my friends. He represents everything great about America. He hates hippies, he fights bears with his bare hands like Daniel Boone. He can not tell a lie like George Washington. He stands for liberty and the American ideals like the great bald eagle, and he is the definition of truthiness. Add to that the fact that he would look just as stunning with a beard as Abe Lincoln and he wails while trashing out face melting licks on the electric guitar. When he really nails a guest on the Colbert Report he uses the cunning and agility of a ninja. That’s right Stephen Colbert is a ninja and he will deliver a roundhouse kick of freedom.
Need even more proof? Be sure to check out Colbert Nation.