I have officially decided Easter frightens me.

I was sitting around the other day thinking about how much I love easter candy. I love to eat Cadbury Eggs so the cream drips from the sides of my mouth, then I point at random pigeons and scream “I’ll eat your children!!!!” I love marshmallow peeps that are really stale and I especially love to eat chocolate crosses (although a chocolate crucifix filled with strawberry filling would be better) and run down the street saying “I’ve got Jesus in me.

Then I started to see all the crap that normally pops up this time of year about “Where did the Easter Bunny come from.”  So when I started this piece, it truly was to research the history of Easter, but as I got deeper and deeper into my research I began to get very disturbed by what I was finding.

Sure, we all know the story of the last days of Christ on Earth. Either the biblical version on the Nazi…I mean Mel Gibson version, that isn’t where my story begins. My story begins after the Christ returned to heaven. So Judas is swinging from a tree. The apostles are all doing there things, spreading the word and such, and the rest of J.C.’s runnin’ crew are happily ever after right? I mean that is where the story pretty much ends before the next section kicks in. What about all the stuff in between and how does the Easter Bunny fit into all this? Where do the eggs and the chocolate come from?

This story starts about a week after J.C.’s return to Heaven. Peter decided since his hommie told him that he would be the rock that he better start rockin and he rolled out of his little apartment in Jerusalem. Well this is all well and good for good Christians like you and I who want nothing more than to avoid the Hell bound pagans since Peter was the first pope, but it wasn’t good for his room mate…Chad. After Peter told Chad he was moving out, Chad said “Hey man, you’re breaking the lease. What am I supposed to about the rent?” Of course Peter responded “Jesus Chad…I am working for Jesus!”

Again it’s cool that Peter went on with his mission, but Chad did have a valid point…he was kind of a dick. Now Peter and Chad lived in what started out as a really cool place, but then a fish gutting business opened right next door, and a leper colony started down the street, so Chad couldn’t convince anyone to move in. Next month when the rent was due, he just couldn’t make the payment so the land lord pull a Pontius and said “I am totally washing my hands of you, get the hell out.”   Poor Chad gathered his things and left. Chad was originally from Capernaum, so he really didn’t know any one in the are, and he had no money left for a new place. He was left out on the street

Now I know what you’re thinking at this point. “Why haven’t we heard of the Chad  fellow before, and what the hell does this have to do with easter.” Well we’ll fast-forward about 25 years and we can continue on with this. Chad is a crazy middle aged man at this point. He lives just out of town in the dessert and says that he is a pirate, and that he sails on a ship of dreams. Really he just spends all day in the hot sun on a log covered in feces.

One day after his brain had been baking in the sun all day he saw a mirage. Chad was starving and the mirage looked delicious so he decided to follow it. As he came over the next dune what he saw amazed him. I giant bunny was standing there and it called to him. They bunny hoped over to him and said “Dear Chad, you have been cast out for so long it is time for things to go right for you, come down here, I invite you to take a bight of me so you don’t starve.”

Chad rolled down the dune whooping and laughing and when he got to the bottom he saw that what he thought was a giant bipedal talking bunny was just a big rock. On the rock was a cobra which bit him on the face.  As Chad ran off into the sands a caravan was entering the area. That was good for Chad…sort of.

One of the people in the Caravan saw Chad running through the dunes and screaming. The guy who saw him rode his camel over to Chad and got him to calm down. Chad explained that his time was short because he had just been bitten on the face by a cobra. The man listened and wrote his twisted tale down, but before Chad could tell him it was all a mirage he died…you know, from the venom…the venom from the cobra bite… on his face. Try to keep up.

Well of course Chad’s story sounded like a story of hope. Sure it was ludacris but that’s what made it so appealing. It was heart warming to hear that since this poor Chad fellow had been screwed over his whole life he finally had a giant bunny take pity on him just before he died. The rest of the people in the Caravan all agreed that they would retell this story every spring to symbolize hope. This was the start of the Easter bunny.

So where do the eggs come from, more importantly coloring them. Well that’s disturbing too. During the mid-14th century, from about 1347 to 1350, the Black Death, a massive and deadly pandemic, swept through Eurasia. People were dieing by the 1000’s and if the plague didn’t get you, starvation did. There was one man who promised himself that if he could avoid the disease, he wasn’t going to starve. He had some chicken which he kept hidden in a cave in the forest, and every day he would go there to collect the eggs and bring them back to have something to eat.

One day he caught his neighbor snooping around outside his shack and decided that he would have to better protect his food source. He had a giant sword made for him and he would carry it with him everywhere. The neighbor continued to watch him but never came close again. Then one day the man went to his cave to collect the eggs, but all the eggs were gone. He ran to his neighbors house and accused him of stealing the eggs. The neighbor invited the man in to search his shack and when he found no eggs, the man left. The neighbor laughed because he had the eggs all along. He painted them to look like other things and hid them around his shack.

This went on for weeks. He would steal, paint and hide the eggs, and the other guy would accuse, search and leave. Then one day I guess the guy with the sword just had enough. He slaughtered the neighbor, the neighbors family, and even there little dog. That’s just how it goes, you don’t be fuckin with his shit. Then he himself died of the plague three days later, but that is where painting easter eggs come from.

The chocolate? Nothing really scary about that, its chocolate. It’s delicious.  Alright, fine i will go into detail. The tradition of chocolate supposedly started with the Germans. In truth it started with the Swedes. They would use chocolate to lure children into their homes, fatten them up, then eat them because they are god damned evil Swedes.

That’s the truth about Easter.

Or at least it would  be,

if I hadn’t completely made all that shit up.

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