…yeah, you read that right! I said same sex celebrity crushes! Dudes! Hot dudes that get way more ass than you and all your friends. Dudes that make more money in a week than we all make in a year. Dudes that you pay $8.50 to watch them blow shit up, shack up with some of our future Whores O’ Da Weak, and maybe, just maybe, take their shirt off.
You may be asking yourself, “What the hell is going on? If there is one guy, nay one MAN, in this world that has tamed the pussy and made it his bitch then it is The JaGe!” Yes my minions, I am a mans man, but this post is only existing because I am so completely straight only I posses the power to gush about good looking men! That and the fact that Champ Kennedy himself threatened me in ways I can’t even describe if I didn’t post this! (Let’s just say it involved butter flavored Crisco, BBQ tongs, a 9 year old Vietnamese boy and a 24 pack of Magnums…)
So here is the list of my Dirty Dozen same sex celebrity crushes! Now Fuck off!
Jimmy Stewart, This man was a God! He was born in 1908 in the same town as me, he went to Princeton, he’s listed as Number 10 in the top 100 Movie Stars of all time, he was the first movie star to enter into the Air Force and He eventually became a Colonel, earned the Air Medal, the Distinguished Flying Cross, the Croix de Guerre and 7 battle stars, He never took an acting lesson a day in his life, was Alfred Hitchcocks “Actor of Choice,” was married to one woman his whole life, his best friends were Ronald Reagan, Henry Fonda, John Wayne and Gary Cooper, was nominated for 5 best actor Academy Awards wining one for The Philadelphia Story, and was in some bad ass Westerns! This man is one of two on my list that I got to meet in person! Jimmy Stewart, If I had a beer in hand, I’d pour one out for ya!
John C. McGinley, In my Opinion, one of the most overlooked actors working today. He has been in some of the most recognizable films of the 20th century! Any Given Sunday, Office Space, The Rock, Nixon, Se7en, Point Break, Born on the 4th of July, Talk Radio and Platoon! He has stared in Broadway Musicals. He makes Scrubs one of the funniest shows on TV, yet his performance as Edgler Vess in the made for TV movie Intensity scared the shit outta me! This dude can be funny and a total asshole all at once, but when he is on screen, you best pay attention!
George Clooney, this guy is what The JaGe patterns his life after. A true playboy, he has vowed to never get married and never have children, but he never gave up stuffin’ his tube steak into every Hollywood starlet! Thatta’ Boy George! He’s been voted Sexiest Man Alive, he has worked with just about every major star and director out there, he loves Southpark and even lends his vocal talent to Sparkey the Gay Dog on the show, he had a pet pig named Max for over 18 years! He also gets behind the camera and has Directed such films as Confessions of a Dangerous Mind and Good Night, and Good Luck. I enjoy watching a Clooney staring film because of the way he always seems to have the upper hand. Well that and he’s a smoooth pimp…
Johnny Depp, my hat is off to you. Only in America could women find this guy to be the most beautiful man alive. This guy is a fucking fruit cake! This picture is the most Un-Gay photo I could find of him. Granted he is a good looking man, but he has to have some screws loose. That being said, this guy is the greatest actor of our time! Hands down, no contest! I jumped on the JD train when I first saw Edward Scissorhands. Then Ed Wood made me love him even more, but Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is what took it for me! And don’t even get me started on how amazing he was in Blow! This guy can crawl into anyones skin and play them better than they can play themselves. Hell, I bet Johnny plays a better JaGe than I do!
Kevin Spacey; Is he Gay? Is he Straight? Who gives a shit! This guy is one of the greats. He can play a psychotic killer in Se7en, a smooth singin’ Crooner in Beyond the Sea (which he directed as well), or a creepy Grasshopper in A Bugs Life. He’s been nominated twice for an Oscar and kicked ass both times, Winning Best Supporting Actor for The Usual Suspects ans Best Actor for American Beauty. I’ve never seen one of his performances that I didn’t love, and he continues to impress me with every film he chooses.
Jared Leto, this guy is a fucking chameleon! There have been a few movies that I get about halfway through them and I blurt out, “What the Fuck? Is that Jared Leto? Look at those piercing Blue eyes!!!” This guy can blend into any movie and you won’t even notice him lurking in the background. I watched Fight Club twice before I realized he was the blonde dude! And not only can this guy act his ass off, he can sing like a mother! His band 30 Seconds to Mars is one of my favorites, and Jared can scream it out like no other. Not to mention the fact that he has bedded some of Hollywoods finest pieces of ass, such as Cameron Diaz, Lindsay Lohan, Scarlett Johansson, Kristi McDaniel, Jessica Simpson and Ashley Olsen. Also, lets not forget one vital piece of information about Mr. Leto. His piercing Blue eyes will Kalie-ma your still beating heart out of your chest, show it to you, and lower you into a volcanic pit. And thats just his eyes!
Halfway through… Are you sprouting wood yet you bunch of homos?
Julian McMahon gots it going on! First off, hes from Australia, so he has a killer accent! Not only is he from Australia, his dad was the Prime Minister! So, yes, he has sex with the ladies ALMOST as much as The JaGe. He has mostly stuck to television since making the jump across the pond, having small roles in daytime soaps before landing the role of Detective John Grant in the show Profiler. After that, 5 years on the show Charmed, but his big break, and where I fell in love with him, came from his current show Nip/Tuck! If you haven’t seen this show, you are missing the best Drama series, ever! Yeah, he played Von Doom in Fantastic 4 but that movie blew goat cock! Either way, this dude gets your mom wet!
Edward Norton is so smooth the Rain X company sells bottles of his urine, and people buy it to put on their Ferrari’s windshield! He’s only been in 20 films and each one is brilliant in its own way. Even his crappy films are great just because Ed brings so much charisma to the character you cant help but watch and say, “wow, this guy rocks!” Take American History X. How many guys wanted to become skin heads after watching this film? Not because he Curbed a couple of brothers, but because he looked so fucking bad ass while doing it! Watch him in Fight Club and then tell me, with a straight face, that you don’t want to put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger just to make the voice in your head go away! Thats why this guy is awesome, and thats why you will do whatever he tells you to do!
Bruce Campbell….. What? You don’t know who Bruce Campbell is? Go Fist Yourself! This guy is the Man! He is the king of everything that is bad and campy and he’s damn proud of it! He doesn’t need six figure deals and beautiful sluts to make him a God among mere mortals, because The Evil Dead did that for him. Sure, he is Ash. Sure his chin is on everything from lunch boxes to action figures, he is on the 25 Most Intriguing People List, he’s been in almost every Sam Raimi movie as well as half of the Coen Brothers movies. Yet no one knows this guy! I met this guy two years ago and he is the coolest man on the earth…scratch that…hes the coolest dude that will ever exist! In a world of sell outs and lame-o’s , this guy is the champ, more of a champ than even Champ Kennedy will ever hope to be!
Brad Pitt. Ahhh Mr. Pitt. This guy is all Class! He can make an unwatchable movie…Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Meet Joe Black, Legends of the Fall…. totally watchable. This guy reaches out, grabs you by the berries, and puts them in his front pocket for the next two hours. He’s amazingly good in every film that he is in, yet he seems very down to earth. He’s only won one Oscar so far, for 12 Monkeys, but I’m sure there will be more to come. Although he really needs to lose Angelina and her pen of sick kids…
Christian Bale, Since 1987 I have been following this guy. He played Jim Graham in Steven Spielberg’s amazing film Empire of the Sun at the ripe age of 13. If you haven’t seen it, stop what you are doing right now and rent it! While your at it get Velvet Goldmine, Equilibrium, and The Machinist. This guy goes to unreal lengths to get into charactor! Watch The Machinist… take a piss… then watch Batman Begins. Then realize he started filming Batman less than 6 months after The Machinist! Thats Acting at its finest! That and the fact that he played Jesus of Nazareth in Mary, Mother of Jesus and then Patrick Bateman in American Psycho all within the same year! This guy is the whole package… Does this post keep sounding gay?
And Finally… The Number One Same Sex Celebrity Crush is:
Ryan Reynolds! If there is one man out there who could make The JaGe feel a little uncomfortable, it is Mr. Reynolds! I absolutely love watching this guy! And I do believe he has a clause in his contract that requires him to take his shirt off in every film he does. He is a mans man in every sense of the term! Why he was banging that shitty Alanis Morissette is beyond me? I do believe his best work was on the short lived series Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place, but if you really want to see Ryan in some top notch acting, watch him in Smokin’ Aces. I mean really watch him! And if you want to see him all oiled up and half naked then Blade Trinity is the path to take! Either way, Ryan Needs to drop the restraining order he has against me and join me and Champ in our ?soon to be filmed? Spaghetti Western…. can you imagine… Ryan in leather chaps?
So there you have it, my twelve favorite guys in the movies. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go eat a Rare 3 pound steak before cutting down a Giant Redwood with my bare hands while Jessica Alba services my junk…
Meaning I’m still not as gay as you are!
~The JaGe out…