Choose Your Own Adventure #1001: The Hollywood Bad Boy, the Coke-addled Drug Whore, and the Speedball

To Hell with reality shows! Here at Hey Stupid we give our readers the chance to live out their fantasies of being a Hollywood entertainer and live the lifestyle of the rich and famous. Just pick your favorite entertainer from below and “Choose your own Hollywood Adventure!”

[So here’s how it’ll work: if want to pick the path of destiny for your favorite star(s), do so by choosing page numbers listed below and typing your choices into the comments section. The point here is to find out which superstar truly is the “nicest” Bad Boy of Hollywood. So, if somebody is already toeing the line of death due to sex, drugs, and rock and roll, choose a nasty adventure from below with the intention of killing them off. In other words, the worse Bad Boys of Hollywood will die off in the first round, leaving the rest of the contenders to possibly do something stupid and kill themselves due to excess on the next page. If there is a lot of interest in this, we’ll do the next page. If not, enjoy it as a one-shot.]

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Lindsey Lohan gets fired from her latest movie for failing to show up on time and arriving drunk/ high when she did actually show up.
Lindsey enters rehab. Go to page 17.
Lindsey “goes clubbing” and meets some new cute boys. Turn to page 71.
Lindsey deadens the pain by having sex with a B-list no-talent ass clown. Go to page 21.
Lindsey makes a new Disney movie. Page 33.
Lindsey auditions for a new Robert Altman film (he’s directing from beyond the grave with Paul Thomas Anderson assisting as a special guest director). Go to page 80.

Colin “The New Marlon Brando” Farrell has had enough. The quality roles have stopped flowing in since his days in the tabloids have come to an end. However, he adores the peace and quiet of spending time with his new son and one of his several girlfriends. He knows he has a reputation to uphold, but he’s already done so much in so little time and not even Colin is certain that he can live up to his own hype. What’s an ex-Bad Boy to do? Should he live the quiet life in obscurity or try to reclaim his Hollywood glory days?
If Colin stays at home and feeds the baby, go to page 75.
If Colin goes to the local pub and tells the local drunks stories of his glory days, got to page 58.
If Colin tries to break his own personal drinking record, got o page 57.
If Colin flies to the Playboy Mansion, go to page 20.

50 Cent and Lloyd Banks jump in a sports car, heading to a million dollar studio to lay their vocals.
50 gets in a routine drug deal that yet somehow goes horribly wrong and gets shot nine more times. Head to page 18.
50 Cent and Lloyd first stop at a club to get loosened up before they record by drinking an entire bottle of DP (and not the soda). They get in a bar fight and stab Ja Rule. Go to page 76.
Mr. Cent stops on his way to the studio to have sex with Vanessa Williams. Go to page 22.
Mr. Jackson speeds to the studio in his sports car. He gets pulled over and gets a ticket. While the ticket is being filled out, the police officer recognizes 50, searches his car, and arrests him on a petty drug charge. 50 Cent gets off by snitching on NYC’s drug czar then talks about it (with much arrogance and hubris) over a “phat” beat. Rap your way to page 50.

Jude Law sits around his palatial British manor, contemplating which shitty period script to ruin next. Suddenly, his doorbell rings. Jude stands up, unzips his trousers, and heads towards the door, intending to have sex with whoever is there when he opens it. But who’s at the door?
If it’s Jude’s girlfriend, go to page 73.
If it’s the housekeeper, go to page 44.
If it’s Clive Owen and Daniel Craig, go to page 63.

Charlie Sheen wraps for the day on the set of his sitcom, gives his dad and brothers a quick phone call, and then heads to the hottest LA hotspot.
If Charlie cold cocks the first bouncer that makes eye contact with him, go to page 64.
If Charlie has sex with the first model that makes eyes contact with him, go to page 65.
If Charlie has an orgy with the University of Southern California’s basketball team, go to page 56.

Robert Downey, Jr. is researching for a role in which he will once again deserve, yet somehow still not win, an Oscar. What can Robert do to put himself over the top this time?
If Robert calls his maverick director father for advice, go to page 66.
If Robert calls all his best hooker friends and gives them an address to a seedy LA motel, go to page 51.
If Robert calls an old “buddy” of his to help him plan a week of “vacation,” go to page19.
If Robert continues researching his role and adds little character tics that only film dorks (or maybe just E-Rokk) will recognize and remember, go to page 25.

Johhny Depp certainly is tired and heads towards his trailer during a lighting set-up break on the set of “Pirates 3.” Despite his exhaustion of acting like a buffoon for obscene amounts of cash, he can’t stop thinking about the two nubile bodies of his two female co-stars, Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom.
If Johnny falls asleep in his pirate costume, turn to page 23.
If Johnny wastes away the night and attempts to deaden the pain of his blockbuster life by relieving his glory days (by watching old episodes of “21 Jump Street”), go to page 26.
If Johnny fucks the night away with his two nymphet co-stars, go to page 28.
If Johnny does a line of coke off of the ass of the closest fashion model, go to page 30.

Billy Baldwin wakes up one morning to the painful realization that he is the least talented of all the Baldwin Brothers. This fact is even more painful to reconcile with once he remembers that two of his brothers include Stephen and Daniel.
If Billy tries to deaden the pain by rolling over and attempting to have fumbled sex with his (barely) celebrity wife Chynna Philips, go to page 68.
If Billy tries to deaden the pain by speeding in a sports car, doing cocaine, drinking gin, and having sex with anything that will move (dubbed worldwide as “The Champ Kennedy Technique), turn to page 87.
If Billy gets out of bed and makes another movie, go to page 83.

Tom Sizemore has been in a lot of films. Some were good; most were bad. Help Tom with his career.
Get a meeting for Tom with Steven Spielberg. Turn to page 24.
Land Tom an audition for J.J. Abrams’ new hot TV pilot. Go to page 27.
Buy Tom some boxing lessons in an attempt to center his soul. Turn to page 61.
Make a date for Tom with a hooker in an attempt to center his soul. Go to page 31.

Val Kilmer is in the middle of a tense scene on the set of his latest independent film. He’s acting his heart out, all the while asking himself the same question he’s been mulling internally for the past ten years: “Will this be the edgy, challenging role that will finally dig myself out of the top of the B-list heap and back into the stratosphere of mainstream Hollywood pictures? Or will I be relegated to character roles and shitty directors for the rest of my career?” Suddenly, the director yells cut; the director sheepishly creeps over to Val and informs him that he missed his mark and that if he doesn’t mind they will have to do another take.
If Val Kilmer takes off his shirt, sticks a piece of gum in his mouth, and gnashes his teeth at a grip and best boy, go to page 55.
If Val yells at the director and screams, “Camera marks! Fuck your camera! I’m better than this! Do you know who I am? I’m Madmartigan!” go to page 59.
If Val storms off the set and buys a case of dynamite, turn to page 82.

Carrie Fisher wakes up in a strange bed, uncertain where she is. Can you tell her?
If Carrie passed out trying to communicate with her dad father (Eddie Fisher) and her barely living mother (Debbie Reynolds) in an attempt to figure out where her own life went wrong by being raised by Hollywood’s original fucked up royalty couple, go to page 62.
If Carrie fell asleep from doing too much booze, drugs, prescription pills, and script doctoring, head to page 54.
If she fell asleep from exhaustion after having sex with Harrison Ford, turn to page 29.
If she fell asleep from exhaustion after giving Mark Hamill a blowjob, turn to page 79.
If she fell asleep from exhaustion from laundering George Lucas’ flannel shirts and then licking his hairy asshole, go to page 47.
If Carrie fell asleep from exhaustion after a long night of fucking Warwick Davis, go to page 38.

Mickey Rourke gets a call from his agent while he’s driving down an LA freeway. He’s just been offered a role in a new chase film, but Mickey gets a little confused and he thinks he’s living a car chase.
If Mickey bites the head off of his poodle while he races down the freeway, go to page 67.
If Mickey gets pulled over for speeding and gets in a fistfight with the LA SWAT team, head to page 53.
If Mickey crashes into the car of a hot blonde actress, forces her into his car, and then has so much sex with her (while still driving) that he bleeds from rubbing the skin off of his engorged cock, go to page 32.

Keith Richards stumbles offstage after a blistering Super Bowl Halftime Show. Since he can’t remember just playing, he’s a little lost and uncertain as to where to go. He asks you, the first fan he sees, what to do next. You barely understand his slurred British accent, and you’re not entirely certain what the options are. What are you to tell him?
If you tell Keith to snort a speedball of cocaine, several vials of heroin, and his father’s remains, go to page 45.
If you assist Keith in his attempts of inventing a new drug in his laboratory, turn to page 43.
If you help Keith inject heroin directly into his eyeball, go to page 78.
If you tell Keith to get some sleep go to page 70.

Sammy Davis Jr. finishes his show at the MGM grand and heads backstage. He calls his wife in New York and tells his kids goodnight. With that out of the way he needs to find something to occupy his time until his next performance. He’s alone in Sin City and asks himself what he should do with his evening alone.
If Sammy Davis has a few too many cocktails, go to page 46.
If Sammy has a few two many speedballs, go to page 42.
If Sammy has anal sex with a white Las Vegas chorus girl, head to page 72,
If Sammy has vaginal sex with a B-list star from blaxploitation cinema, go to page 77.

Marlon Brando hangs up the phone with Francis Ford Coppola. Francis is trying to get Marlon out of bed and act in his next studio failure or other such nonsense endeavor that has prevented him from making a good movie in thirty years. But Marlon is depressed. He’s done so much in Hollywood and he just wants to coast on his old success. Plus, he just had a lot to eat and its uncomfortable to move and he’s been meaning to write another chapter in his poorly written autobiography. What’s a two-time Oscar winner to do?
If Marlon fucks a secretary dreaming of becoming an actress, go to page 34.
If Marlon jerks off to kiddie porn then cries himself to sleep because his daddy didn’t love him, go to page 52.
If Marlon calls Francis back to accept the role, refuses to learn his lines because he’s won two Oscars, mumbles off-camera, then wins another Oscar, go to page 49.
If Marlon refuses to learn his lines because he’s won two Oscars, mumbles off-camera, then wins another Oscar, then acts like an asshole and doesn’t even show up to accept the award, head to page 35.
If Marlon goes to an all-you-can family style buffet (menu includes chicken cordon bleu, roast beef in au jus, rigatonis in meat sauce, vegetable medley, redskin parsley potatoes, rolls, and chocolate cake), go to page 74.

Judy Garland is distracted and bored while yet another major Hollywood director is replaced on the set of “Wizard of Oz.” Judy contemplates how she should best utilize her downtime on the set.
If Judy sings “Over the Rainbow” and then goes on a date with Mickey Rooney, go to page 36.
If Judy has gives oral sex to the Sacrecrow, go to page 48.
If Judy is tag teamed by the Scarecrow and the Tin Man, go to page 40.
If Judy has an orgy with the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion, head to page 69.
If Judy clicks her heels three times and the Wizard personally grants her wish of rear penetration, go to page 39.
If Judy does so much coke mixed with vodka that flying monkeys take her to the Lollipop Guild, go to page 37.

One response to “Choose Your Own Adventure #1001: The Hollywood Bad Boy, the Coke-addled Drug Whore, and the Speedball

  1. Lindsey deadens the pain by having sex with a B-list no-talent ass clown. Go to page 21.’

    If Colin tries to break his own personal drinking record, go to page 57

    50 Cent and Lloyd first stop at a club to get loosened up before they record by drinking an entire bottle of DP (and not the soda). They get in a bar fight and stab Ja Rule. Go to page 76

    If it’s Clive Owen and Daniel Craig, go to page 63.

    If Charlie has sex with the first model that makes eyes contact with him, go to page 65.

    If Robert continues researching his role and adds little character tics that only film dorks (or maybe just E-Rokk) will recognize and remember, go to page 25.

    If Johnny wastes away the night and attempts to deaden the pain of his blockbuster life by relieving his glory days (by watching old episodes of “21 Jump Street”), go to page 26.

    If Billy tries to deaden the pain by speeding in a sports car, doing cocaine, drinking gin, and having sex with anything that will move (dubbed worldwide as “The Champ Kennedy Technique), turn to page 87

    Make a date for Tom with a hooker in an attempt to center his soul. Go to page 31.

    If Val yells at the director and screams, “Camera marks! Fuck your camera! I’m better than this! Do you know who I am? I’m Madmartigan!” go to page 59

    If she fell asleep from exhaustion from laundering George Lucas’ flannel shirts and then licking his hairy asshole, go to page 47.

    If Mickey crashes into the car of a hot blonde actress, forces her into his car, and then has so much sex with her (while still driving) that he bleeds from rubbing the skin off of his engorged cock, go to page 32

    If you help Keith inject heroin directly into his eyeball, go to page 78.

    If Sammy has vaginal sex with a B-list star from blaxploitation cinema, go to page 77.

    If Marlon jerks off to kiddie porn then cries himself to sleep because his daddy didn’t love him, (dubbed worldwide as “The JaGe Technique) go to page 52.

    If Judy clicks her heels three times and the Wizard personally grants her wish of rear penetration, go to page 39

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