The EXPLODER!4: Final Countdown

After the HUGE success of The EXPLODER!3: Family Tradition, Championship Productions in association with E-Rokk has decided that the only way to truly top the level of adventure and excitement that the series has become famous for is to set the next episode in space.

E-Rokk: I have always wanted to do a space opera. Something like 2001 only bad asser. More killing, death and explosions. Like a Wesley Snipes film, only with actors that pay their taxes!”

Returning to the roll of Dalton Hawk will be Strobe Eagleknifeelectricguitarbadass, who is totally excited about shooting the space adventure. “I am totally excited about shooting the space adventure!”

Also returning to their rolls for this film will be Kevin Sorbo as Randal Gentry “R.G.” Hawk and Robert Duvall as President Steven F. Booker.

Billy Ray Cyrus has said that he is going back into retirement, and by retirement he means living off of his daughter’s money now that she is turning a buck as Hannah Montana.

Now, On the with show!!!


The movie starts off with none other than Europe’s “Final Countdown” playing as the theme music. There is a long montage playing behind the opening credits of Dalton and R.G. making shine, then loading it on the Big Rig, then driving the truck on highways and finally delivering all of the goods to people that wish to purchase tax free booze. There are plenty of smiles and scenes of horseplay to signify that these are “the good times”.

After the opening credits the movie opens with R.G. Checking the temperature on the main still and Dalton smoking a cigarette while looking particularly bad ass. The cigarette is of course unfiltered so as to show just how bad ass Dalton is. So bad ass that cancer fears getting Dalton. The scene cuts back to R.G. messing with the still, then back to Dalton walking to his truck.

The scene cuts back and forth about every 8 seconds even though nothing really changes just like on Ghosts of Mars. That means it isn’t at all a mediocre editing trick because there isn’t enough story to drive the movie for the alloted time. At the end of all of this we see Dalton looking off into the distance and using his hand to shade his eyes. The camera cuts to show a black limo coming up the road in a cloud of dust. Dalton yells out, “We got company!”

When the car arrives we see our old friend President Steven F. Booker (even though you were never given his name in the last film) played by Robert Duvall (he’s not dead yet is he?). President Booker explains that he once again needs the help of the Hawk boys. He tells them that after Griffin Doppeldorf was reported dead that his brother Mason Doppeldorf, played by the classic character actor Billy Zane was released from prison to attend the memorial services. Mason easily escaped custody at the funeral home and used his former brother’s spy network to find out that his brother’s death was a result of a direct order by president Booker. To get his revenge he kidnapped the president’s wife and held her for ransom. He then began rebuilding his brother’s empire of crime and terror.

Soon after kidnapping the first lady he was contacted by a race of bug like aliens known as the Koloxthu and that they would agree to make him the governor of Earth to do with the people of the planet as he saw fit if he would help them capture it. Mason agreed and took the first lady into space with him. Now he is using her as a bargaining chip. He wants the Koloxthu war ships to be able to land without being fired upon.

After filling in the plot for every one the president turns to Dalton and says, “Please, Codename: EXPLODER, will you come to the country’s aide again? Rescue the first lady, capture Mason Griffin and get rid of the alien threat? We will pay you a reward of$150 million.” Dalton scratches his head for a moment and says, “While my brother and I could really use that chunk of change, it is just to dangerous. R.G. just got back on his feet and I got a business to run. There must be some other way.” The president handed Dalton his card and said “In case you change your mind.” then he got in his limo.

The next day Dalton wakes up to find his brother is gone. He left a note saying that the bounty on Mason was just to good and that he had contacted the president and was taking the job. “Fuck!” Dalton cursed then ran out to the garage. When he got to the garage he saw that the Big Rig was gone. “Fuck! Fuck!” he exclaimed.

Realizing there was no time to lose, Dalton put on his ass kicking leather ass kicking pants (yes I realize I said ass kicking before and after leather),strapped on his knife, loaded up his favorite assault rifle and climbed on his big ass 22 foot chopper. It was time to ride…hard.

When Dalton arrives at the oval office he learns that R.G. has been assigned the codename DEMOLITIONER and sent into space. Unfortunately he was captured by Mason and the Koloxthu.

EXPLODER! Goes off into space to find his brother and complete the missions, yet he is still pissed at his brother for being so irresponsible. In the back of his mind he realizes that he had acted that way in the first three films. This must be a sign of growing up and retrospect. This is all TOTALLY different than the way Riggs would consider things in Lethal Weapon 4. I mean…we don’t even have a black guy.

When the EXPLODER gets into orbit his shuttle his shuttle flies directly into a meteor shower and is filled full of holes. This allows us to kill three to four minutes of screen time with an action sequence. Just as the situation begins to look grim Dalton is hailed by another vessel. They identify themselves as the Molikki, a peaceful race that wishes to help the Earth defend itself. Dalton is transported aboard their ship just as his EXPLODERS!…I mean explodes.

Dalton is introduced to the Molikki queen who is played by the serious actress Amanda Peet, and the two begin forming a plan. Eventually it is decided that Dalton will lead a strike team of Molikki warriors on board the Koloxthu ship and try to free his brother and the first lady. After they free the two they will attempt to capture mason and destroy the Koloxthu.

That night Dalton sits on the deck of the ship looking out into space and thinking about his past. Just the queen walks up and they chat. Her about the plight of her people and them needing a new planet to exist on (setting up a plot point for later) and he about his family. Eventually she is begging for the Hawk Kawk and he gives her the full package. They pork like maniacs while some Pat Benatar music plays in the background.

The next morning Dalton wakes up and decides that he is hungry, super space bad ass hungry that is. There is a long scene of him walking through the ship so that the audience can get an idea of the hugeness of the ship ( how the Koloxthu don’t know that a ship of this size is hiding out in the same region of space they are is a plot hole I am not even going to try filling). As Dalton walks to the mess hall he passes through a giant inverted hamster wheel that one of the Molikki are running on.

He gets to the mess hall and can’t find anything that even resembles food. While he is rooting through their food stuffs, the ship rocks back and forth and there is a large boom. All of the sudden the scene cuts to a large access hatch inside the ship being blown open and a bunch of armor clad Koloxthu come pouring in through the hole. A bunch of the Molikki are assembled in the corridor already though and their guns were trained on the hatch. Since they are all firing on the same small area, and all of the Koloxthu have to enter one at a time so it should be no challenge at all to stop them right? Wrong, some how every single Koloxthu warrior makes it through the hatch and a battle ensues.

Red and green lasers volley between the forces of good and evil as the Koloxthu war lord enters the ship. He is wearing a highly polished red helmet and a red cape. He looks menacingly at the Koloxthu trooper to his left “Commander, tear this ship apart until you’ve found the EXPLODER! and bring me the passengers, I want them alive!” he says. (God that is a completely sweet line I thought up on my own).

The scene changes again and Dalton is in the ship’s armory. He has already dawned his leather pants and is getting on the rest of the gear he thinks he will need. He straps on a bandoleer filled wicked sweet space grenades, he affixes some big ass vibrating space knife to his hip, after that he slid the strap of an alien laser rifle over his shoulder and finally cocked and loaded his laser pistol. Finally before the scene changes he ties on his head band and puts on an armor plated vest.

When the scene does change Dalton is in the middle of an intense laser battle. How intense you ask? So intense that it will forever be referred to as IN-TENSE. Dalton is of course sweaty and dirty…just for the ladies, and he is shouting orders like general Patton and for some reason the Molikki are listening to him witout question. Just as the Molikki are about to gain total victory however the red helmeted Koloxthu warlord named Zorf Karrak rounds the corner with Molikki queen as his prisoner.

Under normal circumstances Dalton would totally say “Step outta line, your ass is mine!” and open fire on Zorf, but this is supposed to be a film with substance that proves that even films that start off as mindless action films can have subtance, plot points and character development. Dalton throws down his weapons and surrenders. All of the Molikki are rounded up and transfered to the Koloxthu ship where they are promptly tortured.

Dalton is tossed, broken and beaten, into a dark cell. As he lays there on the floor and his eyes adjust he realizes that his cell mates are the Molikki queen and R.G. R.G. kneels over his brother and apologizes for taking the job and begs for forgiveness. Dalton of course forgives him and they help Dalton to sit up. The three begin discussing a plan to get out, since you know it is completely understandable that they know the complete layout of the ship as well as all the patrol times and patterns.

Just then the cell door flies open and a guard informs Dalton and R.G. that they are to fight to the death for his amusement, and if they don’t fight he will kill them both anyway. The two enter the arena with Megadeth’s “Crush Em” blaring across the soundtrack, and you see they are in full gladiator garb and carrying various weapons. Dalton is armed with a spatha and a small round shield, while R.G. has been armed with a fishing net and a trident. The two commence in a battle so epic it can only be called a clash.

Every time the two attack each other there is a high pitched “REEEEE” noise, that is simply a production error, we tried to get rid of it but just couldn’t. Finally after the clash has taken up a good ten to eleven minutes, Dalton decides to be a good big brother and throws the fight. As he lies there on his back with R.G. holding his trident to his neck, he can do nothing but hope R.G. will escape and complete the mission.

Zorf ordered R.G. finish Dalton off, but R.G. had another plan. He tossed his trident up at Zorf and a battle broke out. Dalton got back on his feet and joined the fight (never mind the fact that Dalton and R.G. were defending themselves against laser weapons with ancient weapons). R.G. and Dalton fought their way out of the arena and developed a plan to stop the advancement of the enemy troops.

After a long running, chasing, escaping action sequence a scream rings out as R.G. catches a laser blast to the spine and falls. Dalton picks him up tosses him over his shoulders and continues running to escape. When they get to another section of the ship Dalton sets his brother down telling him, “Hold on, we’ll be out of here soon…you’ll be fine.”

Just then Dalton realizes he is in the Koloxthu weapon hold. He starts grabbing all kinds of different weapons and armor peices and a few moments laterwhen he emerges from the room he looks like Robocop on steroids. After a good 12 – 15 minutes of killin, ass beating, and general bad assedness, Dalton comes to the ship’s prison where he frees the first lady and the queen, as well as thirty other Molikki. He and the newly freed Molikki warriors form a small band and begin taking on the bulk of the Koloxthu military on board the ship.

After a while Dalton instructs the warriors to get the queen, the first lady, and R.G. off the ship and back to the Molikki ship. He instructs them that if he doesn’t signal them in twenty minutes that they are to destroy the Koloxthu ship. They agree and move along. Just then Dalton who in his armor is even bigger and more ridiculous than “Super Shredder” tracks down Zorf, and a timeless battle begins.

The battle is so epic it is like the battle scenes from “Return of the King”, “Return of the Jedi”, “Willow”, “Apocalypse Now”, “Saving Private Ryan”, “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers “, “A Bridge Too Far”, “Tora! Tora! Tora!”, “Zulu”, “Starship Troopers”, “Braveheart”, “Gladiator”, “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace”, “King Arthur”, “Dune”, “Enemy at the Gates”, “We Were Soldiers”, “Black Hawk Down”, “The Patriot”, “Glory”, “The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe”, “Aliens”, “Excalibur”, “The Empire Strikes Back”, “Alexander Nevsky”, “Gettysburg”, “Kingdom of Heaven”, “Star Wars: Atack of the Clones”, “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith”, “Fly Boys” and “The EXPLODER!3: Family Tradition” combined!!!

Of course eventually Dalton is knocked down and temporarily stunned. Zorf walks over to him and says “You have been a worthy advisory…any last words?” (don’t ask how an alien being from a different galaxy not only speaks perfect English, but understands the concept of “last words”). Dalton looks up at him and says. “You stepped outta line. If you step outta line…(deep breath) YOUR ASS IS MINE!!!” Then Dalton Steven Tylers right off his back on to his feet and punches Zorf in the face so hard that his hand sinks into his skull like a moldy grapefruit.

Dalton then signals the Molikki and continues hunting for Mason. When he finds him Mason shouts to him, “Now we end this!!!” Mason jumps off the ledge he was on and flies down to where Dalton is waiting. Rather than get involved in another long battle (that frankly we don’t have the money for because of the Zorf fight, and let’s face it until we mentioned him again everyone forgot about Mason…lets be honest we forgot about him) Dalton pulls an Indiana Jones and shoots him in the head.

When Dalton returns to the Molikki ship he learns that his brother has died. Dalton falls to his knees and screams out, “MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASONNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!”

After grieving Dalton asks the Molikki to place R.G.’s body into a torpedo tube and launch him into space. After the ceremony Dalton returns to Earth, accompanies the first lady back to president Booker, and sits in on the signing of an alliance between the Earth and the Molikki.

In the final scenes of the movie Dalton takes the reward money and converts his Big Rig so that it can transform into a helicopter (which is completely different than any project Sam J. Jones has ever been connected too) and forming an organization of mercenaries to carry on fighting injustice throughout the Earth, time and space. This new group is called The DEMOLITIONERS!

The End.

Dalton Hawk: The EXPLODER!
The EXPLODER! 2:Hawks Eye
The EXPLODER! Rides Again

The EXPLODER!: Out of Luck

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