Here at Hey Stupid Champ Kennedy is known for many skills, but he is the unchallenged mixtape champ of the staff. He often keeps the site rocking as we write, so I feel it’s my duty to periodically let you, the readers, know what keeps Hey Stupid rocking. As Rob Gordon once said: “Now, the making of a good compilation tape is a very subtle art. Many do’s and don’ts. First of all you’re using someone else’s poetry to express how you feel. This is a delicate thing;” “the making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don’t wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules. Anyway… I’ve started to make a tape… in my head…” Here is Champ Kennedy’s head, poured out for you.
THE INAUGERAL MIXTAPE: THE OFFICIAL CHAMP KENNEDY STALKER MIX
This is a mix out there for all you guys that have fallen hard for that special lady but she just doesn’t want anything to do with your sorry ass. So what do you do next? Get over her? That kind of talk is only for the lame at heart. True love lasts forever, and here are some tips to ensure that happens. Some might argue for some inclusions on this list. If you say “Just because he says he enjoys dandelions doesn’t means he wants to do her from behind,” I’ll say, “Hey, fuck you, it’s art, and I can interpret it any way I want!” The songs on this mix, though rocking, are chosen for their obsessive and predatory nature. They are listed in order of increasing level of creepiness.
Track 1: “Alive with the Glory of Love” – Say Anything – If you’re not listening to this band, you should be. Great opening to any mixtape with its gang vocal intro. This song is about a man professing his love to a woman. No big deal, right? Here’s the twist: they’re in a Jewish ghetto during WWII and liquidation is about to occur. Before they get on the train car, though, this guy has some lyricism for his lady. Let’s listen in:
“When I watch you, I wanna do you right where you’re standing (yeah)
Right on the foyer”
“But Ms. Black Eyeliner, you’d look finer with each day in hidingBeneath the wormwood, oooh, love me so good
They won’t hear us screw away the day.”
I’m sorry, I have serious women issues (just ask The Jage and read this post), but I draw the line at boning under the floor when Nazis are coming after you. Regular movie villains, sure, but not movie Nazis; they’re the unchallenged easily recognizable literary villain and they’ll get ya every time.
Track 2: “Closer” – Nine Inch Nails – Not too scary, but that line (you know what line I mean) is enough to put in on this list. If you have ever seriously used that line as a pick-up line, you’re well on your way to becoming a full-fledged stalker.
Track 3: “Creep” Radiohead – Maybe a controversial pick, but it’s a self-professed loser pining over a woman. Maybe not that creepy, but it is the title of the song.
Track 4: “Digital Bath” – Deftones – Ah, the Deftones. At one point in this song a woman’s dead body is pulled from
Chino’s bathtub. “Nuff said.
Track 5: “El Scorcho” – Weezer – Not really violent or creepy, but Rivers invited her to a Green Day concern, and you must have to dig a chick to make that call. Plus, he breaks into her room, reads her diary, and falls even more in lust with her after she makes an oblique musical reference and an obscure ECW name drop. It must be love!
Track 6: “Feiticeira” – Deftones – Oh, Chino. Now you put somebody in the back or a car with a ball gag in their mouth. Somebody has issues!
Track 7: “Getchoo” – Weezer – The title says it all.
Track 8: “It’s Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door” – underoath – One of the hardest rocking songs I have heard in a long time. Through their post-modern hardcore screaming you can barely make out their sweet little parable. A man cares for his girlfriend so much he is jealous of her non-sexual relationship with God, so he crashed their car, killing her so she “can walk hand-in-hand, hand-in-hand with Him.” Wow, now the list is getting interesting.
Track 9: “Natalie and 1cc” – The Spill Canvas – A new band I’m completely digging right now. In this little ditty the singer is in a mental hospital because nobody else can see the woman he is “crazy for” (fuck you, that’s a great pun). He eventually finds out she was real, but it’s too late; he’s already trepanned himself. It’s kind of similar to the Adrien Brody film The Jacket, just without the bad acting, Keira Knightley’s tits, and the bad acting of Keira Knightley’s tits.
Track 10: “Niki FM” – Hawthorne Heights – “I’m outside of your window with my radio.” Great hard song about stalking your lady. Plus, with its inclusion I can make my third John Cusack reference of the piece.
Track 11: “Part of Me” – TOOL – It’s TOOL, so it has to be dangerous.
Track 12: “Polly” – Nirvana – One of the greatest songs about kidnapping women ever written. He teases her with food and takes a blowtorch to her. Then why is it not later on the mix? He performs the cardinal sin of stalkers: he lets the woman go. Now, he’s doing it to chase her and give her a false sense of escape, which is a great torture technique, but the song is never clear if he eventually catches her again, and those kinds of mistakes just don’t happen to professionals.
Track 13: “Possum Kingdom” – toadies – One of the great sexually violent songs ever. The guy in this song wants to kill his lusted-after so she will never age. Ew, weird. What is this, Dark Shadows?
Track 14: “Pushit” – TOOL – “Just remember I will always love you, even as I tear your fucking throat away. But it will end no other way.” Thanks, Maynard.
Track 15: “That Song” – Big Wreck – A forgotten band, but not by The Champ. Let’s take a look at some of these lyrics:
“And I always catch the back of your head in a crowdJust don’t turn aroundIt’s never you and you’ll ruin those memories”And some more:
“So I always fool my friends and we head down there
They think that we’re en route
We just drove past your old house and you weren’t there”
Take it from me: if you’re driving around someone’s house when they’re not there, you’re a few days away from your first guest spot on Dateline.
Track 16: “The Ballad of Chasey Lain” – Bloodhound Gang – A series of letters begging a porn star to come and meet your parents. That’s creepy on so many levels. “Now show ‘em them titties!”
Track 17: “The Writhing South” – Say Anything – The second Say Anything song on the mix. Some may say this is too high for this song, but check out these lyrics:
“You’ve got this one last change to burn me, turn me down
If not I’ve got these last 12 bucks to spend on you
You can take me anywhere your sick mind wants toI’ll use your South to fuel me, using you.”
Not convinced? Okay:
“I hear ‘Hey, hey, hey, hey come pollinate me.’
Across the room, across the room, I hope to watch you writhe again soon.”
Track 18: “Tyler” – toadies – “I find a window in the kitchen and let myself in.” DING DING DING! We have a winner! This guy completely takes stalking to new levels, levels not seen in the history of time. He wants to kidnap this girl and take her “into Mexico.” If you’re running away with someone to Mexico you’re way past normal.
I hope you enjoyed this mix. This should provide you with plenty of tips on how to pick up the ladies when you’re not certain if no really means no. Please, feel free to debate this list and remind me of any I may have forgotten about.