I have been warning all of you for well over two years now that I was going to start beating your children…well that day has finally come.
Yesterday I had to do that most hated of all things which was leave the house. I was in need of a haircut, and after the last time, I decided the answer wasn’t to get drunk and take the clippers to my own head. So I tossed myself into my car and off to see the friendly professionals at Wal Mart I a-went. As I sat there quickly descending into my own personal hell I looked around and realized I was surrounded by what I can only describe as roller kids.
You know what I am talking about. The little bastards that scoot around with their skate shoes. This pisses me off on so many levels I can already feel a stroke just waiting to kill off one side of my body. First and foremost it angers me because it is nothing more that a ridiculous trend. I hate kids who wear trendy shit and I hate parents that buy it for them. This is just as stupid as the shoes with lights in them, or the “pump” shoes. I knew it was a major trend when In the 11 minutes I was sitting there waiting I saw no less then 32 pairs of these death machines.
My next major problem is the fact that all of these little fuckers are going to end up with fucked up hips and spines as well as god only knows what other orthopedic problems. But who cares right? As long as your ungrateful little shit stack stops bitching for two minutes so you can be told what new Fergie or Buck Cherry album you have to buy its o.k. right? Its cool though, as a parent you will probably never have to witness what horrors your child’s growth rate and spinal development will encounter since you will either be long dead from a meth overdose or tossed in a shallow hole somewhere.
You know as well as I do as soon as one of these little fuckers breaks a bone bad enough the suddenly concerned parent is going to try and sue the shoe manufacturer. Now granted I hate the manufacturers almost as much as I hate the shitty parents and the stupid ass children, but once the shoe is sold the manufacturer should have no responsibility. Honestly, what the fuck do these parents think is going to happen? “Oh gravity doesn’t apply to my shitty little kid, they won’t break any bones.” THEY ARE WEARING SHOES WITH SKATES IN THEM. Most of your lazy fucking kids can’t even walk to begin with. Therefore I will take it upon myself to make sure they break something by beating every roller kid with a bat. Fuck you.
So another mistake I made was to flip on the t.v. and actually look at it before I put a dvd in. Somehow without fail I was bombarded the the most amazing brain melting shit I have ever seen. It was two commercials back to back about cell phone usage and kids. The first one was with a little girl walking around talking in text abbreviations and carrying on a conversation with her mother that way. As if to imply her mother had so little control over her that she couldn’t make her own bratty little 9 year old slut daughter speak fucking English. Which in retrospect is probably true because lets face it, if she had any control over her damn daughter the little bitch wouldn’t have a cell phone to send over 500 texts a day on.
I was so infuriated by this commercial I turned to my woman, that’s right, I called her my woman…I turned to my woman and said, “You know what they need?” and after a brief pause i screamed “BAM!” while motioning that I was punching them in the face.
As that commercial ended and I was packing up a rucksack with fire bombs to start punishing the guilty the second commercial came on. It was one of a dad all excited because he switched plans and now the family could afford to send texts and pics to anyone on any network at anytime. His freeloading shit licking stoner kids just replied “We do that already.” and the dad smiled like he was happy to have the last sticth of his masculinity stamped out and said “Yes, but now your mom can afford to quit her second job.”
Now, hands down the little tart bitch talking in abbreviations was far more annoying than this commercial but in retrospect this commercial pissed me off more simply because it implied that not only did the parents have so little control over their hell spawn that they couldn’t put their collective foot down and take the cell phones that the little wastes of semen didn’t need in the first place, but that they would go so far to appease them that the mother would work two jobs.
I am sorry but if that is you just shoot your fucking kids in the face and start over again. I mean to be honest you should probably through yourselves down the stairs a few times until you break something for letting it get that far out of control, but your children are worthless and don’t need to take up space on the planet.
Seriously…if his is how you plan to raise your kids, keep your legs closed, if your kids are already that way kill then and if you are one of those kids do us all a favor and abort yourselves.