I remember a time, just vaguely mind you, but a time when I used to hear a phrase, “Its a free country isn’t it?”, and I would think to myself, “Yes, It is indeed a free country”. Now I know looking back that it was the naivety of my youth that led me to believe such a fanciful idea.
I hate to sound like one of those unwashed conspiracy theorists, going on and on about how our economy is falling apart and we have no one to blame but ourselves. The truth is however that our economy is falling apart, to be honest though I blame hippies. Let me clarify a bit, not just your common garden variety flip flop wearing, organic hippie chow eating, non washing, un-groomed, tie dye wearing veganzi hippies, I am speaking of a far far more dangerous breed of hippie. Friends I am speaking of the corporate hippie.
The corporate hippie is an all new hybrid of two evils that should be destroyed on site. It is formed by joining the traits of a classic hippie and a yuppie. Unfortunately it isn’t as simple as a yuppie fucking a hippie and creating the corporate hippie, if that were the case we wouldn’t have to worry since in the natural state hippies and yuppies usually don’t get along. In the case of the corporate hippie (who we will refer to from now on as “flisui” short for flip flops and suit) what happens is a young dumb impressionable youth from an upper middle class to upper class family goes off to college. Once in college they find that most people don’t want to deal with them so unlike their time in high school they aren’t the popular kid.
If they are cast out from becoming a “frat boy” or a “so-whore-ity sister” they have to quickly find another group to join. God knows if the group mentality they have lived their entire lives by up to that point isn’t appeased then they might climb a tower and start shooting people. Anyway, they eventually find the “coffee house crew”. Coffee house crews are very similar to classic hippies, but usually they tend to smell a bit better. Don’t be fooled though. In my extensive research I have learned that the coffee house crews are simply the recruiting arm of the hippie organization. You have all seen these people. They all sit around the local coffee shop bitching about their angst, meanwhile they are playing on a laptop that cost at least 2 grand and making damned sure you notice it.
Anyhow, once they are brought into the coffee house crew, they generally start listening to shitty bands with 75 word names, guys will grow scrappy looking beards and get thick framed glasses, while generally girls will wear a bandanna and semi bell bottom pants. They will go on for hours and hours about how “something needs to be done about the fascist government” then they will go out and try to recruit new members to their clan. Usually they don’t bother to get really informed about a subject, only looking at snipits of info then preaching it as if it were written in stone and they talk for hours about it just to sound smart.
Eventually they graduate college and are offered a job. Usually something in advertising, but after a few months it is painfully obvious that they were too busy posing for myspace photos rather than studying in college and they lose their job. This is when it gets dangerous. It is usually at this point that they have gotten used to living on an actual income, so going full blown hippie is out, but they still cling to their stupid ass CHC ideals. The only choice is to take a job for a non profit organization.
Before I continue the important things to remember are…
a) the corporate hippie ALWAYS makes more money than you for doing basically nothing
b) the corporate hippie will force his ideas down your throat while trying to act like he is like you
c) the corporate hippie should be shot on site.
The first offender is The American Legacy Foundation, but you may know them better as the Whudafxup jackasses. I hated these fuckers since they were the “truth” people back in the late 90’s. Basically they go on and on about not smoking with out using any actual facts. They have been called out on multiple occasions for their blatant lies. The sad part is that the idea of stopping youth smoking isn’t bad. If only they would have gotten the idea to present real, factual information in an educational way. Instead out comes the flisui and they are cramming it down your throat. They try and look cool and edgy and use their wonderful whudafxup term. So its not o.k. for a kid to light up a death stick but its ok. for them to walk around asking “what the fuck’s up”? I mean that is basically what they are trying to say once they run it through the censorship vagina. I will be completely honest, these people ARE THE REASON I SMOKE.
I am being completely candid. I started smoking because I was already annoyed by their fucking commercials that were on every two minutes while I was in college, but then those jackasses were walking around on campus putting on their little demonstrations, so I would go to them and just stand there and smoke. Fuck you. Besides, its all bullshit anyway. The ALF is funded by money from U.S. Tobacco companies.
What set me off today was the ruling by the MPAA and the bitch about aforementioned ruling by Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids. The MPAA can suck my ass because of their new rating system to begin with, but the fact that they will now take people smoking on film into consideration when deciding a rating is fucking stupid. The ALF is pissed off because smoking in film doesn’t score the film an automatic r rating. Fuck the American Legacy Foundation. I mean it. Fuck them. I’m sorry people smoke. people smoke every day all over the world. If the rating had past what would they do next? Make people who smoke stand in small telephone booths with no windows so people can’t see them? It is bad enough that just because a person is a smoker they are looked at like a fucking Nazi covered in Jew blood. The truth is as long as the smoker is considerate of those around them then the only person they are hurting is themself and it is no one’s business but their own.
I really don’t know who the fuck I am more pissed at here, so I am gonna round all of them up, lock them in a room and force them to breathe my secondhand smoke.
Fuck this country, I am gonna dip into the massive Hey Stupid! account and buy my own island.