Greetins friend its yer old pal Jimmy Bean. If yall member right I da lass story I dun toll ya was about me n my brother Jethro Gene going huntin fer Kyle King a da deerlaphants.
Taday however we are gunna talk about another western Pennsylvania creature…da Mon Star. Da Mon Star is a creature that lives in the Menoga…Mononga…Monongahela River near Pixburgh, home a da five time Super Bowl Champions da Stillers. Da Mon Star is half wolf, half duck and half crocodile. It’s related to the venomous duck that stalks the Allegheny forests, but as demonstrated in the pictures below the differences should be obvious.
Nah I know whatchas thinkin. Ol Jimmy n his brother Jethro got into ta da peppermint schnapps ageen and just imagined da whole thing. Well dat’s what our pa, Gos rest his soul, thought too. That was a course until dat one day he was sittin in da livin room watchin Dale Jr. on da races and a Mon Star ran in a ding dong damn ate him. That was da day I swore I would kill me a Mon Star!
Me n my brother Jethro started off down da road to Pixburgh with our 11 foot alumi…a-loomin…metal boat to troll da river lookin fer da Mon Star. Jethro had been to a cock fight da night befer and kept goin on n on about how much he loved da cock. It was all “I love da cock!” this and “I love da cock!” that. On and on about how he needed da cock. Wanted to play with da cocks, be surrounded by cocks. Then he said he wanted all da cocks rubbed all over his face and shoved in his mouth. I didn’t really get that part. Then he said, “I aint no god damned gay er nothin, I just love roosters!”
We kept driving down da road. I took a big gulp of my Evan Williams and put da pedal to da floor. Once we got to Pixburgh we put da boat in da water and started searching for da Mon Star. We took off down da river like Bruce Willis in Striking Distance just searchin on da hunt. My bottle of Evan Williams was about empty so I knew it musta been about noon. Jethro said, “Hey Jimbo, how’s about we stop and eat some a deez mustard samiches ma made us?
I cut da throttle and da boat slowed down. We sat der just driftin in da water. I ate my mustard sammich, but da whole time I kept a watchful eye out. All da sudden Jethro stood up and fell over right der in da boat. He said he wasn’t drunk, dat sumthin musta hit da boat, and dats when I knew…da Mon Star knew we were there to bring him down.
I musta bumped my head or somethin cause it wasn’t long after dat I passed out. When I came too me n Jethro were lyin on da bank and we were both pretty beat up. Now I felt like maybe I was drunk, but I have never been dis drunk before, I knew I had to have been bitten by da Mon Star. It was only a matter a time until da venom had run its course and I was dead.
Jethro n I started trackin da beast threw da woods. It wasn’t long until we found it’s path. Now Jethro kept saying the were dog tracks, but I reminded him dat da Mon Star is half wolf too and dat it had pads on da botom of its webbed feet like a wolf or a dog. We ended up in some dudes back yard. I followed da path right to a dog house, but da Mon Star wasn’t in der. Da dog wasn’t either, so da Mon Star must a ate him.
Oh yeah, I fergot ta mention dat when Jethro n I woke up we was both nekkid and apparently when da owner a da yard da dog house was in saw two nekkid grown men peeking in his dog house he called da cops. Da cops came n arrested us, but we explained we was only tryin ta capture da vile Mon Star. It was a predator dat needed ta be stopped.
They said we was crazy. Da only thing I can figure is dat they are tryin to keep a lid on reports a da Mon Stars in da area so as not ta scare da locals. After spending a few nights in da jail they let me n Jethro go, though Jethro said he didn’t want ta leave. I couldn’t figure out why though, course I couldn’t figure out why he spent so much time in da shower there either.