I get such hot ass!
So I was sprawled out on the floor last night two six packs into a good drunk and trying to remain as inactive as possible because it was too damn hot to do anything. I decided to flip through the channels to see what kind of low brow, ridiculously retarded entertainment lie in store. As I was looking at my idiot box trying not to drool on myself I noticed that Scott Baio has a new show in the works.
Scott Baio is 45…and Single. Wow with a title like that how could you not want to watch it. Well I started thinking to myself, “Scott Baio has supposedly pounded some really hot ass.” I mean the list includes but is not limited to Erin Moran, Pamela Anderson, Erika Eleniak, Nicole Eggert, Natalie Raitano, Nicolette Sheridan, Brooke Shields, Denise Richards, Heather Locklear and Jeanette Ulrika Jonsson. I found myself perplexed. For the love of god, he was only Scott “Sittin’ on the dock of the” Baio.
C’mon, fucking Chachi, Charles in Charge? Really? He can’t be nailing all that blond puss on his Zapped fame can he? What the hell is going on here. I decided I had to know the secret. If a washed up, has been, sub par t.v. star (who by the way turned down the role of Maverick on top gun) can moisten famous female panties the way he does why can’t Leif Garrett…why can’t I?
I got up, put my beer down and moved on to whiskey. It was going to be a long night. I sat down at my computer, cranked up Blizzard of Ozz and started my research. There had to be a reason for all of this? Could it be that he looks like a young Carl Brutananadilewski, no that couldn’t be it.
Look, they even have the same chain!!!
His career wasn’t exactly stellar, so it can’t be star power alone, maybe it is his chiseled features and…oh wait, I forgot we were talking about the Baio-wolf.
Then it hit me like a bolt out of the blue…or more appropriately a bolt out of the Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo and Violet. That’s right I made a rainbow reference because I think he’s queer. Let me be up front about this. I don’t think he’s in the closet, I don’t think he realizes yet that he’s gay. I honestly don’t believe he is repressed and knows he is gay and tries to hide it, I think he gets a strange feeling around women and a strange feeling in his pants around men and doesn’t know what to make of it.
All he knows for certain is that no matter how hot the girl he is supposedly having sex with, he doesn’t care for her and he has to find some one hotter. I mean think about it, he claims to bone every young starlet that trounces through the Playboy mansion, and no one cares. It’s been nine years since I had even heard anything about the Baio-nnaise, and that was back when he had a show on Fox that was canceled before the first episode aired. Hell Erika Eleniak gets more press than he does, and I thought she was dead.
Eventually however he will have to start to suspect, or maybe he already has. That isn’t to say he will admit to himself he likes the chocolate love slide, but he will realize he isn’t wired the way he thought he was. He will start telling stories about how he met different girls while traveling around the country and boned them, yet when the paparazzi is on him he will be out by himself or out with other dudes. Eventually he might go so far as to start a reality show on VH1 where he tries to find a girlfriend like Flavor of Love, only worse…oh wait. Well at least they didn’t call it “A Taste of Baio”, that would be gross.