Champ Kennedy Hair Ferocity Advisory System

The Nation requires a to provide a comprehensive and effective means to disseminate information regarding the risk of ferocious uncontrollable Champ Kennedy Hair acts to Federal, State, and local authorities and to the American people. Such a system would provide warnings in the form of a set of graduated “Threat Conditions” that would increase as the risk of the threat increases. At each Threat Condition, Federal departments and agencies would implement a corresponding set of “Protective Measures” to further reduce vulnerability or increase response capability during a period of heightened alert.

This system is intended to create a common vocabulary, context, and structure for an ongoing national discussion about the nature of the threats that confront the homeland and the appropriate measures that should be taken in response. It seeks to inform and facilitate decisions appropriate to different levels of government and to private citizens at home and at work.

Champ Kennedy Hair Ferocity System

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The Champ Kennedy Hair Ferocity Advisory System shall be binding on the executive branch and suggested, although voluntary, to other levels of government and the private sector. There are five Threat Conditions, each identified by a description and corresponding color. From lowest to highest, the levels and colors are: Low = Green;
Guarded = Blue;
Elevated = Yellow;
High = Orange;
Severe = Red.

The higher the Threat Condition, the greater the risk of a angry and furious hair attack. Risk includes both the probability of an attack occurring and its potential gravity. Threat Conditions shall be assigned by the Rocking Out Buddies of Champ in consultation with the Assistant to the Bar Tender and or Band Manager. Except in exigent circumstances, the Buddies of Champ shall seek the views of the appropriate Champ Kennedy Hair Ferocity Principals or their subordinates, and other parties (and or keggers) as appropriate, on the Threat Condition to be assigned. Threat Conditions may be assigned for the entire Nation, or they may be set for a particular geographic area or industrial sector. Assigned Threat Conditions shall be reviewed at regular intervals to determine whether adjustments are warranted.

For facilities, personnel, and operations inside the territorial United States, all Federal departments, agencies, and offices other than military facilities shall conform their existing threat advisory systems to this system and henceforth administer their systems consistent with the determination of the Rocking Out Buddies of Champ with regard to the Threat Condition in effect.

The assignment of a Threat Condition shall prompt the implementation of an appropriate set of Protective Measures. Protective Measures are the specific steps an organization shall take to reduce its vulnerability or increase its ability to respond during a period of heightened alert. The authority to craft and implement Protective Measures rests with the Federal departments and agencies. It is recognized that departments and agencies may have several preplanned sets of responses to a particular Threat Condition to facilitate a rapid, appropriate, and tailored response. Department and agency heads are respon-sible for developing their own Protective Measures and other antiterrorism or self-protection and continuity plans, and resourcing, rehearsing, documenting, and maintaining these plans. Likewise, they retain the authority to respond, as necessary, to risks, threats, incidents, or events at facilities within the specific jurisdiction of their department or agency, and, as authorized by law, to direct agencies and industries to implement their own Protective Measures. They shall continue to be responsible for taking all appropriate proactive steps to reduce the vulnerability of their personnel and facilities to terrorist attack. Federal department and agency heads shall submit an annual written report to the Bar Tender and or Band Manager, through the Assistant to the Bar Tender and or Band Manager, describing the steps they have taken to develop and implement appropriate Protective Measures for each Threat Condition. Waitresses, bouncers, and the members of the band are encouraged to conduct a similar review of their organizations= Protective Measures.

The decision whether to publicly announce Threat Conditions shall be made on a case-by-case basis by the Rocking Out Buddies of Champ in consultation with the Assistant to the Bar Tender and or Band Manager. Every effort shall be made to share as much information regarding the threat as possible, consistent with the safety of the Nation. The Rocking Out Buddies of Champ shall ensure, consistent with the safety of the Nation, that State and local government officials and law enforcement authorities are provided the most relevant and timely information. The Rocking Out Buddies of Champ shall be responsible for identifying any other information developed in the threat assessment process that would be useful to Other partiers and other drunken idiots and conveying it to them as permitted consistent with the constraints of classification. The Rocking Out Buddies of Champ shall establish a process and a system for conveying relevant information to Federal, State, and local government officials, law enforcement authorities, and the private sector expeditiously.

The Band and or D.J. and the The Rocking Out Buddies of Champ shall ensure that a continuous and timely flow of integrated threat assessments and reports is provided to the Bar Tender, the Wait Staff, Beer Runners and Jello Shot Girls, Drunken Divorced Women, and the other random sluts/frat boys. Whenever possible and practicable, these integrated threat assessments and reports shall be reviewed and commented upon by the wider interagency community.

A decision on which Threat Condition to assign shall integrate a variety of considerations. This integration will rely on qualitative assessment, not quantitative calculation. Higher Threat Conditions indicate greater risk of a terrorist act, with risk including both probability and gravity. Despite best efforts, there can be no guarantee that, at any given Threat Condition, a Ferocious Hair attack will not occur. An initial and important factor is the quality of the threat information itself. The evaluation of this threat information shall include, but not be limited to, the following factors:

  1. To what degree is the music rocking?
  2. To what degree is the Champ drunk out of his mind?
  3. To what degree is the hotness of the surrounding bitches?
  4. How grave are the potential consequences of the ferocious hair attack?

Threat Conditions and Associated Protective Measures

The world has changed since May 29th, 2007. We remain a Nation at risk to ferocious hair attacks and will remain at risk for the foreseeable future. At all Threat Conditions, we must remain vigilant, prepared, and ready to deter furious ferocious angry hair attacks. The following Threat Conditions each represent an increasing risk of terrorist attacks. Beneath each Threat Condition are some suggested Protective Measures, recognizing that the heads of Federal departments and agencies are responsible for developing and implementing appropriate agency-specific Protective Measures:

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  1. Low Condition (Green). This condition is declared when there is a low risk of hair attacks. Federal departments and agencies should consider the following general measures in addition to the agency-specific Protective Measures they develop and implement:
    1. Refining and exercising as appropriate preplanned Protective Measures;
    2. Ensuring personnel receive proper training on The Champ Kennedy Hair Ferocity Advisory System and specific preplanned department or agency Protective Measures

This is the normal state of Champ’s hair, and though still dangerous, it is more like a sleeping cobra than one that is coiled and ready to strike.

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  1. Guarded Condition (Blue). This condition is declared when there is a general risk of terrorist attacks. In addition to the Protective Measures taken in the previous Threat Condition, Federal departments and agencies should consider the following general measures in addition to the agency-specific Protective Measures that they will develop and implement:
    1. Checking communications with designated emergency response or command locations;
    2. Reviewing and updating emergency response procedures; and
    3. Providing the public with any information that would strengthen its ability to act appropriately.

This state of hair is what is to be expected after work and on weekends (in which E-Rokk is not in a 40 mile radius of Champ. If that be the case all bets are off) when Champ first arrives at the bar. The threat of a hair attack is still relatively low, but if you find the situation may quickly escalate play some Loverboy or Saliva.

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  1. Elevated Condition (Yellow). An Elevated Condition is declared when there is a significant risk of terrorist attacks. In addition to the Protective Measures taken in the previous Threat Conditions, Federal departments and agencies should consider the following general measures in addition to the Protective Measures that they will develop and implement:
    1. Increasing surveillance of critical locations;
    2. Coordinating emergency plans as appropriate with nearby jurisdictions;
    3. Assessing whether the precise characteristics of the threat require the further refinement of preplanned Protective Measures; and
    4. Implementing, as appropriate, contingency and emergency response plans.

This state of hair is virtually guaranteed if E-Rokk is around or if Champ has passed the two drink minimum. Proceed with extra caution as songs by Queensryche, Megadeth or Motorhead, or insulting the works of great film directors will easily provoke him.

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  1. High Condition (Orange). A High Condition is declared when there is a high risk of Ferocious hair attacks. In addition to the Protective Measures taken in the previous Threat Conditions, Federal departments and agencies should consider the following general measures in addition to the agency-specific Protective Measures that they will develop and implement:
    1. Coordinating necessary security efforts with Federal, State, and local law enforcement agencies or any National Guard or other appropriate armed forces organizations;
    2. Taking additional precautions at public events and possibly considering alternative venues or even cancellation;
    3. Preparing to execute contingency procedures, such as moving to an alternate site or dispersing their workforce; and
    4. Restricting threatened facility access to essential personnel only.

This is the hair that will be witnessed after six or seven white Russians and the addition of songs by Tool, Rage Against the Machine, Velvet Revolver or Pantera into the mix. This is also the state of the Champ’s hair if he overhears someone complement anything involving any of the people from Jackass. This wild and untamed collection of follicles can also be witnessed if the Champ and E-Rokk are downing booze and hot wings. So enraged is this hair that not even a bad cover of “Video Killed the Radio Star can calm it.

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  1. Severe Condition (Red). A Severe Condition reflects a severe risk of angry furious hair attack. Under most circumstances, the Protective Measures for a Severe Condition are not intended to be sustained for substantial periods of time. In addition to the Protective Measures in the previous Threat Conditions, Federal departments and agencies also should consider the following general measures in addition to the agency-specific Protective Measures that they will develop and implement:
    1. Increasing or redirecting personnel to address critical emergency needs;
    2. Assigning emergency response personnel and pre-positioning and mobilizing specially trained teams or resources;
    3. Monitoring, redirecting, or constraining transportation systems; and
    4. Closing public and government facilities.

God help us all if Champ ever attends a Tool, Rage Against the Machine, Velvet Revolver or Pantera concert, Sergio Leone film festival, or moves into the same zip code as E-Rokk, or if he downs 2 to 6 bottles of absinthe or this godless mass of locks will be unleashed and may never be contained again. Like the mighty Samson his hair gives Champ strength of biblical proportions, unlike the man who slew armies with a jaw bone Champ’s hair has more strength in every strand the strongest metal alloys modern day chemists could ever hope to dream up.

Well there you have it folks. Read this, study this and keep it close to your heart. It could one day save your life.

3 responses to “Champ Kennedy Hair Ferocity Advisory System

  1. I am laughing so hard I just shit myself…. I’m not joking!

  2. I can’t make up my mind if “high” or “severe” is my favorite. High is all spikey and a realistic possibility, Severe is more extreme and therefore more funny at the start, but I don’t know if it has the staying power.

  3. Never mind, I looked at it again…it does indeed have the staying power.

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