Champ Kennedy is as straight as a razor. That being said, he can unashamedly embrace his unabashed adulation for the actor Scott Bakula. Yes, I love “Quantum Leap.” With that aside, I think Scott Bakula is a better actor than he often gets credit for. Just look at the three minutes he was in “American Beauty” and how he tried to save Star Trek from Rick Berman on “Enterprise.” He couldn’t help nobody wants to watch UPN. Bakula has been part of a lot of quality “geek” projects that are only made better by his appearance and efforts, but it hasn’t made him a star. And it isn’t just kitsch value or “geekdom” recognition that elevates his appearances. He’s like Bruce Campbell except without the chin and with actual acting talent. So Champ Kennedy, being the dork humanitarian that he is, decided that it was time to save “geekdom” from non-Bakula projects and get our hero the work he deserves.
Champ Kennedy and Hey Stupid Presents…
The Adventures of Scott Bakula
Theorizing that one could cast himself into quality film and television roles within his own lifetime, gifted actor Scott Bakula and Champ Kennedy led an elite group of scientists into the desert to develop a top-secret project, known as CHAMP KENNEDY PRODUCTIONS. Pressured to prove his theories or lose funding, Scott Bakula read Ziggy comics, wore Gucci shoes and sunglasses (close enough), put on white spandex, prematurely stepped into the Science Fiction/ Fantasy Feature Film Project Accelerator… AND VANISHED. He awoke to find himself in motion picture properties, suffering from partial amnesia, facing a mirror image that was not his own, and performing roles other actors had already portrayed. Fortunately, contact with his own time was made through brainwave transmissions with Dean Stockwell, the Character Actor, who appeared in the form of a hologram that only Scott Bakula could see and hear. Trapped in the past, Scott Bakula finds himself leaping from role to role, making films good that once were bad, and hoping each time, that his next leap will be the leap into a quality feature film role.
Leap #237: Where Scott Bakula Has Gone Before
Scott Bakula kisses her… AND LEAPS.
The first thing he sees after the leap is total blackness. “Am I sleeping? Or dead?” Scott Bakula asks himself. He looks down and sees a handle in front of him. Scott Bakula grabs the controls, realizing that he’s in space and piloting a space ship. “Not again,” he groans.
Scott Bakula realizes that the ship is going too fast and instinctively slows it down. “Wait, how do I know these controls so well?” He shrugs, knowing he’ll figure it out later, and proceeds to put the ship on autopilot so he can figure everything out.
Scott Bakula gets up, finds a space mirror, and peers into it to see reflected, staring back at him, the face of… SCOTT BAKULA? What? Impossible! Then he sees the name reflected backwards on the uniform he is wearing: Archer. “It’s finally happened: I’ve leaped into one of my own characters. What do I have to do to fix this?”
At that moment, Dean Stockwell appears holding a multi-colored flashing calculator. “Dean, I’ve leaped into one of my own characters, right? How is that possible?”
Dean Stockwell hits his multi-colored flashing calculator with the palm of his hand and gives it a perplexed expression. “Well, Champ Kennedy, the movie buff super computer, and Ziggy, the super computer movie buff, say there is an 85% chance you’re here to resurrect the Star Trek franchise in some way. Maybe through a made-for-cable TV movie.”
“What else does Champ and say?”
“Well, he doesn’t want me messing with your Swiss cheese memory, but he’s nervous.”
“The Champ is nervous? Why?”
“Well, in your last couple of leaps, it’s seems that you’re not only taking classic roles, but you’ve change movie history.”
“Apparently, science fiction and fantasy films are become slightly mixed and mashed. Fortunately, Champ Kennedy is a film historian, so he will be able to spot these irregularities and anomalies quickly and he’ll be able to follow the plot points perfectly. Through me and my multi-colored flashing calculator here he’ll be able to direct you and tell you what your motivation is for each leap. Then we can fix bad plot points and feature your acting talents in all high-profile film properties.”
At that exact moment, Dean Stockwell points at the ship’s view screen. “Scott, we’re approaching a vessel.”
Scott Bakula grabs the controls and takes the ship off autopilot. He casually flies his ship towards the unknown vessel. “That ship isn’t moving.” Indeed, the shuttle sits at a complete stop with all of its lights out. “I don’t think anybody’s home. I’m going to board.”
Scott Bakula puts on his gold spacesuit and hovers towards the ship. Upon entering he starts to explore. The ship seems deserted. He immediately goes to the bridge, but it’s completely empty. He next finds the engine room, but all the lights are out.
Scott Bakula continues his search. He eventually finds the cargo bay. Once he opens the sliding door, his jaw drops open. The cargo bay is full of dilithium crystals.
Suddenly, Dean Stockwell appears. “Scott, there’s another ship approaching fast. Champ says it’s a Klingon Bird Of Prey. You’d better hurry.”
“Dean, this ship is dead in the water. The engines are down and there’s no crew.”
“Well, you better figure something out. The Nazis of Star Trek are on your tail. They’re less than eight minutes away”
Thinking quickly, Scott Bakula grabs an armful of dilithium crystals and runs as fast as he can to the engine room. He installs the crystals and fires up the ship. “Six minutes, Scott!”
Scott Bakula sprints to the bridge and hops behind the navigational controls. “Five minutes!”
“Dean, it’s going to take at least three minutes, maybe more, for the ship to get going.”
“I hope you have a faster shuttle than that Bird of Prey, then.”
After the requisite three-to-four-minute warm up period, Scott Bakula starts to head in the opposite direction of the Klingon Bird Of Prey. He can see it on the view screen as it quickly approaches. The Bird Of Prey fires a few phaser shots at the hull of Scott Bakula’s shuttle.
“Dean, those shots were warning shots. They don’t want to destroy me. There must be something on this ship they want. I can’t let them capture me!”
“Go faster, Scott!”
”This shuttle doesn’t go any faster!”
The shuttle is rocked with another phaser blast.
“They’ve just messed up my communication devices!”
Scott Bakula performs some deft maneuvers, but the Bird Of Prey always stays on his tail.
“They’re hailing me. They mustn’t have completely knocked out all communications. I hope this works. Here goes nothing!”
Scott Bakula opens the communication channel. On the screen he sees a typical Klingon bridge (its lit only with red lights). He looks for the captain. Disappointed that it isn’t Christopher Lloyd or Christopher Plummer, he tries to discern who the man sitting in the captain seat could be but can’t place him.
He’s huge, shirtless, bald, and wears a hockey goalie mask. The man sitting next to him has a red mohawk and wears football shoulder pads. He screams a banshee yell at Scott Bakula. Before any further communications can occur, the big muscular man points at someone and Scott Bakula’s shuttle is hit with another volley of phaser fire. His viewfinder goes dead.
As soon as it does, Scott Bakula sees another ship coming his way. “Dean, it’s the Enterprise!” Scott Bakula hits a distress beacon. The Enterprise launches a photon torpedo and hits The Bird Of Prey. Knowing it is outmatched in both weapons and navigation by this stellar crew, the inexperienced Bird Of Prey slows its engines and watches as the Enterprise picks up Scott Bakula and places his shuttle in its docking bay.
Scott Bakula immediately heads for the bridge. The entire crew is waiting for him. Questions abound.
“Captain, did you find it?” “What took you so long? Are you okay?” “Why was that ship following you?”
Noticing an importance absence, Scott Bakula asks his own question. “Where’s Jolene Blaylock? Is she at her 23rd Maxim shoot today? I need her help”
“Who?” A dead-by-act-three security officer asks.
Scott Bakula, realizing his error, rolls his eyes. “T’Pol. Where is T’Pol?”
The bridge doors slide open and Jolene Blaylock, er, T’Pol enters. “Here I am, Captain. Let’s get down to business.”
Scott Bakula sits down in the captain’s seat. The communications officer looks his way. “Captain, the Klingon Bird Of Prey is hailing us.”
“Open channel. Identify the hailer.”
The large, muscular man with the goalie masks breathes heavily and speaks into a radio device. “There has been too much violence… too much pain. None here is without sin. But, I have an honorable compromise. Give me the dilithium crystals and I’ll spare your lives. Just walk away. I will give you safe passage in the Neutral Zone… Walk away and there will be an end to the horror.” Then the screen goes black and the Bird Of Prey flies away.
T’Pol immediately turns to Scott Bakula. “Captain, what are we going to do?”
While Scott Bakula paces, Dean Stockwell appears. “Dean, what’s going on? Why aren’t there Klingons on that ship? And who are those guys?”
“Ziggy and Champ say there’s a 78% chance that you’ve changed the Star Trek timeline continuum. Klingons are no longer villains. They’ve been replaced with the Lord Humungus and Wez, the bad guys from The Road Warrior.”
“But why are they after the dilithium crystals.”
T’Pol butts in. “Captain, I don’t know who Dean is, but they need the dilithium crystals to run their ships. Just as we do. But you should already know that.”
“I do, T’Pol. This is how captains work. They have imaginary friends they work problems out with. Just pretend I’m not even here and that I’m not talking to myself. Go back to your duties, give me a few minutes to talk through this out loud, and then I’ll have an idea and you’ll have your orders.”
“Now, Dean, about those crystals.”
“Right. Well, The Road Warrior is one of Champ’s favorite films. He is right now, right now quoting and performing the entire film for Ziggy. Champ said it would be a much better interpretation than actually watching the film. He’s about forty-five minutes in so far, and I must tell ya, I think he may be right. Before he started going back to performing the Gyrocopter Pilot, he took a break to tell me that he thinks there’s a dilithium crystal shortage, so those guys need them to wreak havoc throughout the galaxy. But the Enterprise needs it to get back to the Federation. He’s pretty sure that in a previous leap you did something that changed everything in the Star Trek film universe, no pun intended. A dilithium crystal shortage could mean the end of the Federation. Apparently, if you don’t get back to Earth, space travel dies and a lot of innocent people die with it. Without the return of the ship, people forget that dilithium crystals ever existed, they can’t replicate or reverse engineer warp speed, the characters of Kirk or Picard are never created, and disharmony occurs throughout the universe. Without these crystals, nothing in the Star Trek universe is ever the same again. Spock doesn’t even discover the formula for creating synthetic dilithium in 2286. It’s almost as if Star Trek IV never even existed.”
“’Oh, boy,’ indeed.”
“It must have been that one time I slept with that Klingon chick during the Gay Search For Spock. Or Kristie Alley during The Wrath of Ricardo Montalban.
“I mean, I love the ladies, but Kristie Alley? Come on, you should know better.”
“She was hot, then. That was before the pain made her eat.”
“But, you see, I knew her mother but in ‘64, and you know what they say…”
“Dean, not now. So what do I do?”
“Ziggy, based on Champ’s performance, is fairly certain you have to lead help the Enterprise out of the Neutral Zone and back to Earth.”
“Okay, that sounds easy enough.”
“Yeah, but there’s a slight problem.”
“You can’t go back with them.”
“What? Why not?”
“Ziggy claims that you’ve caused enough damage to this sci-fi project. You have to help them, but you can’t hurt anything else back on Earth.”
Scott Bakula turns to his crew.
“Okay, T’Pol, my conversation with my imaginary friend is finished. I’m going to help get you back home. It’s going to be tough, but we’re going to do what it takes to get it done.”
“What’s the plan?”
“We’re going to put all civilians in the saucer section and send them towards Earth. We’ll also send out a diversionary squad of shuttles to take on the Bird of Prey while we fly the civilians back to Earth. All necessary crewmembers will stay aboard the nacelle section and fly the dilithium crystals to our allies on Vulcan. There’s just one catch: I don’t want to go to Vulcan.”
“What do you mean, Captain?”
“The crew needs to get the crystals to the Vulcans, but I’m no good there. My place is our here, in the vastness of space. I must continue exploring for all mankind.”
“But we lost our best pilot on Arrakis. Who’s going to pilot the ship?”
“I can fly the ship. All I ask for in return are all the dilithium crystals I can carry.”
The crew prepares for a huge space battle. Civilian mothers hold screaming babies to their bosoms as unnamed extras and famous people looking for a cameo prepare space rifles they pulled off wall racks.
Then a siren sounds, red lights flash, and the battle begins.
The saucer section of the Enterprise disengages and heads towards Earth,
A crewmember on the Bird Of Prey asks, “Lord Humungus, should I chase after them?”
“No. That is their women and children. Let them pass in peace for now. First we must capture the crystals.”
Wez shouts and grunts something unintelligible.
“Be still my dog of war. I understand your pain. We’ve all lost someone we love… But we do it my way. Fear is our ally. After you can have your revenge.”
Scott Bakula and the rest of the crew fly away from the saucer section towards Vulcan. The Bird of Prey chases after them. The Enterprise releases all the shuttles left in its docking bay. The Bird of Prey also releases shuttles and a lengthy space battle ensues. Ultimately, all of the shuttles from both sides are destroyed except for one piloted by Wez. The Bird of Prey continues to chase the Enterprise nacelle section, but Wez ejects from his shuttle and grabs onto the outside of the Enterprise. He enters the docking bay. He starts running around the ship searching for the cargo room.
Scott Bakula leaps into action. “T’Pol, come with me.”
Scott Bakula and T’Pol search for Wez. They find him on a scaffold above the engine room. Scott Bakula starts to fight with what will from here forward be referred to as the “Patented, Original Scott Bakula Fighting Technique”: a blistering roundhouse kick followed by a double-fisted downward chop, Shatner style (which makes it not that original after all; from NOW ON it will be known as “The Scott Bakula Patented Fighting Technique”).
Scott Bakula’s fighting, as always, is too overpowering for the much larger man he faces. Wez almost gets knocked off the scaffolding, but he finds an exit hatch to lock himself into. He puts on a suit and jettisons out into space.
“T’Pol, throw on a suit and get out there and stop him. He could cut our engines or blow us up from out there.”
Scott Bakula heads back to the bridge as T’Pol prepares for the vacuum of space. She finds another hatch and waits until Wez is right beside it. She exits with a phaser rifle, but Wez notices her and kicks the gun away. It floats away into space. T’Pol fights Vulcan-style with Wez but he pulls one of her oxygen hoses out. Wez floats underneath the ship as T’Pol fixes her suit.
Suddenly, the ship goes dead. “Wez has killed our engines. Engineering, get me propulsion as soon as possible!”
With this new plot development, Humungus flies past the stopped Enterprise and turns around to aim his weapons at the front of the ship. Scott Bakula thinks hard on how to get out of this one, but all seems lost.
“Dammit, Dean, where are you?”
Scott Bakula hears something knock and lodge itself to the outside of the ship right next to his viewfinder. He looks closer and excitedly discovers what it is. “T’Pol, head toward the view screen. You’ll find the phaser rifle. Use it to kill Wez before he does anymore damage to the ship! And get me my engines back!”
T’Pol stalks on the outside of the ship towards the rifle.
Suddenly, all sound goes dead. The only things heard on the soundtrack are the winds of space and T’Pols heartbeat. She slowly reaches towards the rifle.
Suddenly, Wez pokes his head up from underneath the ship and grabs at T’Pol. He gets his hands on the phaser rifle and T’Pol finds a hatch to get back into the ship. The engines kick back on, but it’s too late; the Bird of Prey has them in their sights.
“Dean, where are you?” Scot Bakula shouts to The Heavens and anyone that will listen. And his deus ex machina plea is heard. Dean Stockwell appears.
“Dean, what am I going to do? Lord Humungus has us in his sights and is going to board. We’ve lost!”
Scott Bakula, never a quitter, thinks hard. Then it hits him.
“Dean, what number of film is this?”
“Which sequel is it? You know, Part II, Part VII? Which movie.”
“Ziggy says it’s 93% certain that this is part XIII.”
“Dean, I know what I have to do! Ram the ship!”
“Scott, Ziggy says there’s a 60% you’ll die, the Bird of Prey won’t blow up, and Humungus gets the crystals!”
As always, Scott Bakula ignores Dean Stockwell and does what Scott Bakula thinks best. He jumps towards the navigation seat and hits the engines to full throttle. The Enterprise slams into the Bird of Prey, destroying everything. A chain reaction occurs, which starts to destroy the Enterprise. Right before it explodes, however, the crew is beamed away!
Both ships explode in a sci-fi geek wet dream! Explosions and colored lights! However, when the space fires burn out and all the debris and pieces of ship are floating in space, there is something missing: the dilithium crystals!
Scott Bakula and T’Pol rematerialize on the saucer section of the Enterprise. The room they have been beamed onto stores all the dilithium crystals!
Scott Bakula braces himself for his next leap as Dean Stockwell arrives. “You did it, Scott. Everything goes back to normal. The Enterprise and the crystals make it back to the Federation, space exploration and racial integration metaphors continue, and the Klingons are bad guys again. I don’t know how you did it, but you did. How did you know?”
“First off, I’ve made enough Star Trek fan convention appearances to know that fans are usually dissatisfied with Star Trek sequels of an odd number. Everyone knows that Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is the best Star Trek feature film. That’s an even number. And all fans are in agreement when saying that the seventh Star Trek film, Generations, pretty much sucked Deforest Kelly’s balls, which I assure you are quite gross. So, I had to think of the shittiest ending I could for a science fiction film, and instead of using hard science, a complicated chemical chain reaction, or a reversed doomsday-like device, I just decided to ram the ship. Pretty low tech and lame. Plus, I know that anytime Ziggy gives you advice during the third or fourth act, it’s always wrong and my gut is always right, so I just went with that. As usual, Scott Bakula’s gut was as formidable as Champ Kennedy’s.”
“So why haven’t I leaped?”
“Uh, I don’t know.”
“What does Champ says?”
“Well,” Dean muses as he hits his multi-colored flashing calculator, “Champ says there’s a 100 % chance that before you leap you have to kiss someone or perform some other banal minutia that is only peripheral to the main storyline.”
“Jolene Blaylock, come here.” Scott Bakula grabs her, sweeps her into his arms, dips her down, touches his lips to hers…
The first thing he sees after leaping is a huge semi-truck. He is sitting around a crate with a bunch of Asian-American men, except for the grizzled middle-aged man with a scruffy beard and dirty hat that sits directly across from him. The man holds a knife aimed at a glass bottle sitting on its side. The man looks right at Scott Bakula and says, “You know what ol’ Jack Burton thinks at a time like this?”
“Who?” replies Scott Bakula.
“Jack Burton… ME!” Then he starts to swing the knife down toward the glass bottle.
Scott Bakula’s eyes open wide with fear.
TO BE CONTINUED…