The EXPLODER!Rides Again!!!

After the HUGE success of The EXPLODER!4: The Final Countdown, Championship Productions in association with E-Rokk decided that the only way to truly expand upon the level of adventure and excitement that the series has become famous for is to create a TV series called The DEMOLITIONERS!

The TV series was based on the premise set up by the final scenes of TE!4:TFC and a few months after the movie left theaters the show debuted on FLZ an obscure affiliate of UPN. Unfortunately that station had even lower ratings than UPN. Unable to deal with the fact that the show was canceled after only four episodes, Strobe Eagleknifeelectricguitarbadass who portrayed Dalton Hawk in the last two EXPLODER! Films, blamed himself for the series cancellation and hung himself in a dingy, semen soaked hotel room.
After a few months of mourning to deal with the loss, Championship Productions and E-Rokk decided that the legend of Dalton Hawk needed to move forward. The first step of course was casting a new Dalton Hawk. Deciding that they didn’t want to wait to genetically create a new actor from scratch, the opted instead to hold auditions. After almost two grueling weeks of sitting through lame auditions, the team was almost ready to give up when none other than Paul Walker walked through the door. Sure, the guy hasn’t had a huge career, and if we had our choice we would have picked someone else from Flags of our Fathers like Barry Pepper, or someone…anyone else from any movie in his career, which isn’t very many good ones. What the hell, we were desperate and he was better than the guy that sat around eating his own scabs then ended it by saying “scene”. At any rate we had our actor.
E-Rokk and Champ were at the national Scott Bakula Fan Nation convention when we caught up with them for a brief interview.
HS!: So, you guys have just finished the fifth installment of the EXPLODER! series, what can you tell us?

E:Rokk: Well, when we sat down to start writing this one, we knew we wanted to head in a slightly different direction. We didn’t have to worry about any returning characters since we killed off most of the non-Dalton principle characters in the last film, so we decided to not worry about a lot of the previously established plot points. There will be no secret government groups, no returning villains, no space aliens, and no moonshine running.

Champ: We will only briefly mention the TV show, but it won’t add a major plot point either. Think of it this way. After the first to Tim Burton helmed Batman films, they said fuck everything and started with Batman Forever, this is gonna kind of be like that only not as shitty.

HS!: Oh…like Batman Begins?

E-Rokk: No, not like that at all, um…more like Kickboxer 2, only we don’t have the dude from Step By Step who lived in a van.

Champ bursts into tears<<<
Champ: Why couldn’t we get Sasha Mitchell, its not like he even has a real career anymore.

E-Rokk: This will also be a return to national theater releases for The EXPLODER! movies. The last two were released direct to dvd, and we got to do exactly what we wanted to do which was to give our fans more EXPLODER!, and while we will to continue to release EXPLODER! movies direct to dvd, we want to pull back a little so as not to oversaturate. Are thoughts are, in the future we will look at the movie we are about to release and decide if it needs to be told right away in a D2D format, or if it can wait for a theatrical release.

Well ladies and gents, on with the show.

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The movie opens with Hinder’s cover of Born to be Wild (because we couldn’t afford the rights to the Steppenwolf version and who the fuck would actually pay for anything by Hinder) and fades in from a black screen.

Dalton is in his big rig driving across the land and shifts gears. The opening credits begin and there is a montage of Dalton the rig. Interior and exterior shots of the rig are abound along with many close ups of Dalton’s face.

The opening credits end and it is dark out. Dalton’s inner monologue starts, “I used to lead a group called the Demolitioners, I used to be someone, but that is all in the past. The government has rejected me, my family has forgotten about me, there is nothing for me to do now but roam the back roads of America…trying to forget”. With that there is an exterior shot of the rig pulling into a roadhouse (not that road house, we are moving forward…not back. There are no blind kids playing guitar in this).

Dalton jumps out of the truck and “Toxicity” is playing in the background. It is muffled as if it is coming from inside the bar and is to the really heavy part in the song. Dalton lights up a Lucky Strike (Fuck you MPAA my movie is unfucking rated for its unbelievable bad assedness, so don’t think you are going to screw with my characters gratuitous smoking!!!) nonfiltered and walks toward the door. As he gets in the door, the song ends and he looks around the crowd.

A big scruffy looking biker (who is played by Danny Trejo, even though we hired a no-name Dutch actor for this part, somehow, like the agents from the Matrix can take over and replace random people to complete their mission, Danny T. can take over and replace any random actor to appear in every film ever made) stands up and says, “Who the fuck are you…we don’t take kindly to outsiders here!” The thought of saying “I’m Dalton Hawk, and if you step outta line your ass is mine!” ran through his head, but instead he said, “I’m nobody”. Danny Trejo fired back, “That’s right you’re nobody!” then laughed as he sat back down with his friends.

Dalton walked over to the bar and ordered a shot. After a horrible cut with no transition like something out of the Dungeons and Dragons movie we see Dalton sitting at the bar with empty shot glasses all around. Apparently it is much later and Dalton has been drinking the same time. Danny Trejo walks up behind him. “I thought I told you we didn’t want you here…why don’t you leave?!?!” He is quickly joined by other random nameless characters played by such amazing actors as Macho Man Randy Savage, Brian Bosworth and Tommy Lister.

They all look menacingly at Dalton. Dalton stands up off of his stool to whoop some ass. Shortest Straw by Metallica starts cranking on the juke box and you know some shit is about to go down. Dalton tries to spit out his famous line, but we quickly learn he is far too drunk and all he manages to get out is “I… Dal (hiccup) tawn Ha ha ha…Hawk, and if you shteppppp outta line your assh ish mine.” With that he fell on the floor and all the bikers laughed at him.

The next scene is them tossing his passed out body out into the street.
When Dalton awakes a few hours later he spits a combination of blood and dirt out of his mouth and stands up to dust himself off. He quickly finds he is really bruised up and possibly has a few broken ribs. It is still very dark out and he is a little more sober, so he walks to his rig, lights a cigarette and hops up into the cab.
He pulls the truck out onto the highway and “Convoy” by C.W. McCall starts playing and a storm rolls in. After another scene change, we see Dalton fighting his best to not pass out. A storm has rolled in and it is coming down pretty good. AC/DC’s Thunderstruck starts wailing on the soundtrack and the thunder and lighting really starts to kick in. Next thing you know it is an exterior shot of the truck from behind and it gets hit by a huge lightening bolt and looks as if it explodes.

After a brief moment’s wait for dramatic effect the flames die down a little and the scene cuts hard to Dalton’s rig driving across a desert, off road with a large group of Native Americans charging (no I don’t think it is a rip off of Back to the Future 3. You can just get that thought right out of your head) at him.

Dalton sees he is coming up on a deep ravine and decides to bail out of his truck at the last moment just before it goes over the edge and EXPLODERS!!!…I mean explodes (that sure was a simple way to get rid of the truck in a way that no one could ever find it later). Since the Natives have conveniently stopped chasing him, Dalton decides to see if he can find a town.

In the next scene Dalton is walking through the desert with the sun beating down on him and heat waves all around. In a not at all cliché way he is saying “Water…WATER” then passes out. As he lies there in the sand we get a cool over head shot that starts spinning slowly as it pans out and eventually we see buzzards circling over Dalton.

The next scene begins from Dalton’s point of view as he opens his eyes. He is lying on his back looking up at Eva Mendes looking down at him. She speaks softly,
Marita: My name is…
Dalton: Monica Fuentes?
Marita: No silly, it is Marita. You must still be sun-sick. Who knows how long you were out there before my brother Martino found you.
Dalton: Where am I?
Marita: Why, you’re in Hell’s Point.

Dalton looks down at the bedside and in a totally non-cliché way he notices it is 1878. “Oh great!” he thinks to himself.
Marita informs Dalton that she is going downstairs and that she left some clean clothing out for him. Once he is changed and ready he should come down.
When then next scene opens we are looking up from the bottom of the stairwell and Dalton walking down. He is fully decked out in a totally non-cliché western outfit including a revolver. His spurs jingle as he walks down the stairs and looks around seeing he is in a saloon. He walks over to the bar and sits down. Reaching under his poncho he feels a small metal box in his shirt pocket. He pulls it out, opens it and takes out a cigar. He strikes a match off of his boot heel, lights the cigar and sits at the bar.
A tough lookin dude (surprisingly not Danny Trejo) walks over to him and sits on a stool next to him.

Dude: You’re new in town aint ya partner?
Dalton: Yeah what of it?
Dude: Well partner, any body new in town (he pauses dramatically then spits a chaw juice on the floor) needs protection. Namely me, there’s some pretty rough people in this town, but you give me all the money you got on ya right now and I’ll make sure nothing happens to ya.
Dalton: First off, I’m not your fucking partner. Second, I don’t need any protection from any two bit red neck shit in this town, and third you spit on my boot.
Dude: Is that so? Well what exactly are you gonna do about it?
Dalton: I am gonna finish this shot, then I am gonna stand up and rip you a new asshole.
Dude: Is that so?
Dalton smiled, finished his shot and stood up. In one quick motion he drove his spur into the dude’s foot, head butted him, grabbed his shoulders and kneed him in the gut then tossed him on the floor. With out a blink Dalton pulled out his pistol and put it in the dude’s face. Dalton calmly said, “Yeah, that’s so. I’m Dalton Hawk! You step outta line, your ass is mine!”
He holstered his pistol and the dude ran off. Marita came over to him and said “That was amazing. No one has ever stood up to one of Jesse Rancho’s boys like that before.”

Dalotn: Who is Jesse Rancho
Marita: He is the bandito who leads all of these thugs in town. They have been plaguing the citizens of Hell’s Point for years…and you just stood up to them.
Dalton: You’re welcome
Marita: I wasn’t thanking you…that was amazingly stupid, Now Jesse is going to ride back here with his entire crew and burn this town to the ground
Dalton: not on my watch.

Dalton walked outside, got on the nearest horse and rode off after the dude. He stayed far enough behind not to be noticed. When the dude arrived at an abandoned mission, Dalton rode behind a large rock where he waited about an hour formulating a plan.

Dalton decided in true EXPLODER! fashion to walk right up and knock on the front door. The large doors to the mission opened and Dalton walked in. He was able to count 60 men right away. They were scattered about, but they all had their guns beaded on him. Without so much as a tremble in his voice he said “I am Dalton Hawk! I just rode into town and I am looking to make some money and raise some hell. I here the head gringo in these parts is Jesse Rancho, that’s who I want to talk to.

Just then out of the main building walked the dude from earlier and world famous actor John Lone (don’t worry, Orientals…or Asians as they like to be called, often play Spics…er…a…Mexicans) as Jesse Rancho.

Dude: That’s him boss, that’s the guy who refused protection.
JR: And obviously he didn’t need it from you, bolas del burro.
Dude: I don’t even know what bolas del burro means.
JR: That’s because you’re an idiota.
Dalton: He called you donkey balls, which is a lot better than you deserve perra.
JR: Ha ha ha ha ha, I like your style…Dalton is it? How about you come ride with us?
Dalton: Sounds good to me ése, just let me ride back to Hell’s Point to collect my things and I will be back tonight.
JR: Sounds good my friend. I will see you then.

Dalton rode back to Hell’s Point, but unbeknownst to him JR had one of his men follow him. As soon as he got back to town he went to see Marita.

Marita: Did you get him to stop?
Dalton: I joined him!
Marita: WHAT!, How could you?
Dalotn: First, it made him realize that me insulting his man was not the town insulting him, and second, it gets me inside…where I can bring him to justice.
Marita: You really think you can defeat him?
Dalton: I know it baby.

Moments later she was begging for the Hawk Kawk and he gives her the full package. They pork like maniacs while some Pat Benatar music plays in the background.

The spy that had been sent to follow Dalton overheard everything and rode back to JR with the news. JR’s simple response was, “Let him return, we will cut him down where he stands, then ride into Hell’s Point and make it a Hell on Earth.” followed by a sinister laugh and money rub hands.

As Dalton was returning to the mission to regroup with JR, he was stopped by a group of masked men. They ordered Dalton to throw down his weapons and dismount his horse. Dalton being a natural quick draw, drew his pistol and took two of the men out before one managed to ride up behind him and knock him out.
When Dalton came too he was tied too a chair. A man was looking at him…

Martino: Hey gringo. I see you are doing just about as well as the first time I found you.
Dalton: Martino? Marita’s brother?
Martino: Twin brother to be exact.
Dalton: What the hell do you have me tied up for?
Martino: Marita told me you are riding with Jesse Ranchero, she also told me that you are planning on using your position to bring him to justice. I wanted to make it clear to you, that we…the Red Masks, are the only resistance to Jesse Ranchero and his band of outlaws, If you are lying to me, I will come for you and I will slaughter you.
Dalton: I have no respect for criminal scum.
Martino: I hope that is truly the case. No matter how much my sister loves you, I will cut you down before letting my home fall to Ranchero.
Dalton: What? Your sister…
Martino: She thinks you’re the bravest man she’s ever met, which may be true if you stick to your word, but I am still not sure if I should trust you or not.
Dalton: I swear, I will not let you down
Martino: Then go my friend, make us all believe.

With that Dalton rode off into the night. He wasn’t sure how he was going to capture Ranchero just yet, he wasn’t sure how to deal with a woman he barely knew being in love with him and he wasn’t sure why he always found himself in these situations.

He arrived at the old mission and entered as if nothing was awry. Ranchero continued to play it cool as if he knew nothing. As soon as Dalton was in the complex he was surrounded by fifteen men and taken to a deep basement. Once again he found himself tied to a chair.

JR: So compadre, you wish to kill me ay, bring me to justice? I will not let this happen.
Dalton: What are you talking about? I am here to make money, that’s it, and no one has offered me a bounty on your head.
JR: My spy, he overheard you, what you told that woman. You were going to get inside my organization and kill me in such a way that is so fast…so furious, and there is no way I could stop you.
Dalton: No way, there was never any plan. I’m sorry, but your spy lied. How do you know he isn’t working for the Red Masks?
JR: All of my men are loyal, they would never betray me.
Dalton: I knew your man was following me, I saw him in town, if I knew I was being followed, why would I say such things? Besides, I have no love for the law. Law men killed my family.
JR: Fine gringo, if what you say is true you should easily be able to point out the man who followed you.

Dalton had of course been bullshitting the entire time so he had no idea how he was going to get through this. He decided to rely on luck, it had brought him through enough of these situations before. He nodded in the direction of one of the men. JR drew his gun and pointed it at Dalton. “How could you betray me, how could you do this to me?” screamed JR. Then with out warning he turned to the man Dalton nodded at, as luck would have it, the same man who followed him, and pulled the trigger.

JR: I am sorry I doubted you.
Dalton:Don’t tread water! Grab onto the ice! You’ll freeze to death slower than drowning!
JR: Yes…I…see. I must be willing to grab on to new concepts, the world is changing around me. Perhaps even the ideals of my men. If I continue to “tread water” as you say I will surely die in the end.
Dalton:Yeah, I’m sure that sounds great to you all in your fuckin’ pimp world and all, but listen, right now that’s not the *fuckin’* thing you wanna do! You wanna put down that fuckin’ gun, and you wanna walk away ’cause I swear to fuckin’ God, I’ll fuckin’ kill you, you fuckin’ pimp bitch!
JR: Um. Um. I am sorry, I see I have insulted you, I will put my gun away and untie you, please forgive me.
Dalton: Last time a storm came trough here, like that last one, Kam Jackson. You remember Kam Jackson? Found that golden cross, remember, on the north side of the island? That hurricane that just came trough here moved so much sand, who knows how many shipwrecks it uncovered?
JR: Now you’re speaking in metaphors I can’t even comprehend mi amigo.
Dalton:No, that’s cool. That’s too much chrome for me anyways.
JR: Well, the, let us get at the business at hand.
Dalton: Hey, what’s up, Jesse? What do you have in your hand?
JR: It was my gun, but I am putting it away.
Dalton: Sorry, I blacked out there for a minute. I need a drink!

Dalton and JR walked into JR’s living room and began to get intoxicated. Dalton’s plan was to just let JR get drunk, then capture him and escape, but in true EXPLODER! fashion, he got slam hammered himself and passed out.

The next morning Dalton and JR head out to the desert where they discuss plans for restructuring JR’s organization. JR feels that Dalton is now the only person he can trust. While riding through a canyon they encounter a ravaged camp full of dead and dying travelers. (Shut up, this is all my idea) JR helps one survivor to sit up who is dying from thirst, he persuades JR to get him a drink by disclosing the location of a series of caves where a particular cave full of riches. As JR goes for the water, the man dies, but not before revealing which cave holds the treasure to Dalton. (no…you don’t smell spaghetti, shut up.)

Dalton wisely decides for now to not mention anything about knowing the exact location. As the two are returning to the mission they are ambushed by The Red Masks, only Martino is no where in sight. This particular faction of Red Masks is lead by a man named El Caballo.

El Caballo and his colleagues beat and torture JR until he reveals the location of the caves. Dalton is able to convince El Caballo that he is a member of another Red Mask faction by mentioning Martino’s name. El Caballo agrees to free him if he rides to Hell’s Point and retrieves Martino as no one has been able to find him. Dalton leaves temporarily, but sneaks back to listen at the window.

Dalton learns that El Caballo has no interest in defending the town for just reasons, he only wishes to keep it out of JR’s hands so he can sell it to the railroad. Dalton makes a note of all of this and rides off to Hell’s Point.

When he arrives at Hell’s Point he meets up with Marita. Moments later she was begging for the Hawk Kawk and he gives her the full package. They pork like maniacs while some Pat Benatar music plays in the background. As they are getting dressed after doing the dirty deed she tells Dalton she loves him. He doesn’t respond at first then slowly says, “Wait to see if I make it our of this alive before you fall for someone like me.”

Marita takes Dalton to see Martino. Dalton informs him of everything that has taken place, but again omits anything relating to the treasure being in a particular cave. He tells Dalton all about El Caballo’s evil intentions and the two form a plan to rescue JR. Dalton convinces Martino that if helps rescue JR they can make JR believe Martino is someone who wants to join Ranchero’s gang.

Dalton and Martino return to El Caballo’s. Martino is still unconvinced that El Caballo is evil and is unsure if he should fully trust Dalton. That is until Martino overhears El Caballo for himself. El Caballo goes into great detail of how he is going to kill Martino when he arrives and take over his faction of Red Masks. He will then use his numbers to run out the rest of JR’s organization and arrest anyone who stand’s in his way.

Martino and Dalton begin to discuss a detailed plan just before a scene change. When the next scene begins Martino is knocking at El Caballo’s door. They allow him to enter and the two men start to speak. Martino mentions he is tired and asks for El Caballo’s hospitality. El Caballo offers him a room. Martino heads upstairs, smiling because he knows he can now free JR.

El Caballo begins plotting to kill Martino as he sleeps. Meanwhile Martino has located JR and frees him. Just then one of El Caballo’s guards walks in and yells for El Caballo. The three men find themselves in a standoff. El Caballo acts as though he never planned on turning on Martino, JR has no idea who martino is so he doesn’t trust him, and he already wants to kill El Caballo and Dalton is no where to be seen.

Just then Dalton swings in through a window on a rope and shoots El Caballo in the head. Dalton, Martino and JR then fight their way out of the complex. The battle is so epic it is like the battle scenes from “Return of the King”, “Return of the Jedi”, “Willow”, “Apocalypse Now”, “Saving Private Ryan”, “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers “, “A Bridge Too Far”, “Tora! Tora! Tora!”, “Zulu”, “Starship Troopers”, “Braveheart”, “Gladiator”, “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace”, “King Arthur”, “Dune”, “Enemy at the Gates”, “We Were Soldiers”, “Black Hawk Down”, “The Patriot”, “Glory”, “The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe”, “Aliens”, “Excalibur”, “The Empire Strikes Back”, “Alexander Nevsky”, “Gettysburg”, “Kingdom of Heaven”, “Star Wars: Atack of the Clones”, “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith”, “Fly Boys”, “The EXPLODER!3: Family Tradition”, and “The EXPLODER! 4: Final Countdown” combined!!!

After escaping they return to the old mission. After returning to the mission, Martino and Dalton spend the next week playing a series of mind games making JR so paranoid he either runs off or kills most of his gang. Eventually they convince him to lead them to the caves.

Dalton convinces JR to search in one of the other caves. It is at this point Dalton comes clean to Martino about the exact cave the booty is in and Martino finally completely trusts him. There plan is to locate the treasure then capture JR as he is leaving the cave.

Dalton and Martino make it to the treasure and as they turn to make there way back out of the cave they are greeted by JR, who is holding a pistol on both of them.

JR: So, you thought you could outsmart me? Thought you could keep everything for yourselves and turn me over to the law? Well I guess your plans are about to change.
Martino: What are you talking about, we risked everything to rescue you and have stood by you ever since.
JR: All in an attempt to get me to lead you to the caves.
Dalton: What do we have to gain by capturing you?
JR: At the very least all of the riches in this cave
Dalton: Don’t be crazy. You are just confused by all of your men turning on you.
JR: No, that is what I wanted you to think. The entire time I had my fiance keeping tabs on both of you.
Dalton and Martino: Marita!!!

Marita appears from behind a rock holding a rifle.

Martino: Marita, how could you do this?
Marita: After our father died, you should have been looking out for, you should have cared about me, instead all you cared about were the Red Masks. Our father may have been the mayor, and may have cared about Hell’s Point, but you made it your life. Then one night Jesse here rides in to town, stops into the saloon and we get to know each other. Eventually we fell in love, I didn’t care that he was an outlaw.
Martino: Jesse Ranchero killed our father!!!
Marita: He told me you would say that, he told me you would say anything to keep us apart.
Martino: But its true!
JR: Actually my dear, it is true, I killed your father, then used you to keep an eye on your brother. When Dalton Hawk rode into town it became a bonus. Now I’m done with you.

With that JR pulls the trigger killing Marita.

Martino: No!!!!!
JR: Afraid so, and after I finish of you two I am going to collect my treasure and ride off to some place bearable to retire. Some place with trees. I am sick of this god damned desert. The entire town of Hell’s Point can be swallowed by the earth for all I care.
Martino: I will hunt you to the ends of the earth. I will have my revenge for my father and my sister!
JR: No… you won’t

With that JR pulls the trigger killing Martino.

Dalton: So I guess you’re going to kill me next huh?
JR: That would be the general direction I was heading in.
Dalton: Can I at least have one last cigar?
JR: Sure, why not.

Dalton puts a cigar to his lips and strikes the match off his boot heel. As he is lighting his cigar he says, “You know Ranchero, I see now you are far more cunning then I originally gave you credit for, but you for got one thing…” Ranchero smiles as he cocks the hammer on his pistol, “Oh yeah, what’s that?” Dalton remained calm as the flame grew on the match, “I’m Dalton Hawk! You step outta line, your ass is mine!” JR laughed and said, “Gimme a break!”. As soon as he finished the sentence Dalton tossed the still burning match at JR hitting him in the eye. He then proceeded to kick the gun out of JR’s hand and break his neck in one swift motion. “I guess that wasn’t the kind of break you were looking for.”

In the end Dalton loaded all three bodies onto one of the horses, filled his pockets with as much treasure as he could and rode back to Hell’s Point. He didn’t know what he was going to do, how he was going to get home or what the future would hold. What he did know is that any time he would need cash he knew where to get it, the booze were cheap here and the women plentiful. He may just end up liking his new place.

The End!

Dalton Hawk: The EXPLODER!
The EXPLODER! 2:Hawks Eye
The EXPLODER! 4:Final-Countdown

The EXPLODER!: Out of Luck

One response to “The EXPLODER!Rides Again!!!

  1. Reverend Blaze

    Since DH is back in time, I would only make sence for him to run into John Wayne and Clint Eastwood. According to the Scott Bakula series, DH could rewrite movie history! Who knows…

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