Not my fault, I have an addiction mom.

You know, I remember a time that seems longer and longer ago now, that I would sit for days in a row during the summer and play video games. That isn’t to say I would play for a few hours every day, I mean to say that from the time I was eight until I was 21 there were times I would sit on the couch, usually in my underwear, with beverages and snacks with in reach and do nothing but play video games. Most times I wouldn’t even sleep, and only go to the bathroom when I was about to shit and or piss myself.

I was and am a complete gamer geek. I think it actually started with Ikari Warriors on NES one summer when I was bound and determined to see the end of the game. The damn thing seemed to go on forever, combine that with all of the enemies looking the same and only three backgrounds that would rotate (a few times even using the same map) I was sure that there was just some loop in the programming that made it go on forever. I quit “playing” and started kicking ass.

While I would play every new game I would get until I saw the end, my next great challenge did not arise until I purchased Mighty Bomb Jack for the NES. MBJ became my nemesis. I believe I spent almost 8 days one summer in front of the television playing this game. Not because it was particularly hard, but because it was a relatively long game and every time I seemed to make any ground something would always happen. One time my dog bumped the NES causing it to freeze. Another time I paused it to poop and brush the thick hair like mold off of my teeth that had grown from me eating nothing but Oreos for three days, and it wouldn’t unpause. Another time a fuse blew, another time static electricity had built up on me and apparently when I walked over toward it to pick something up I threw an arc and caused it to freeze.

I believe after the MBJ incident I spent a few days on Battletoads , because let’s face it, some of those stages are insane.

Fast forward to college and there were times I would anticipate buying a new game, so I would get all of my work done for my classes for the next week in advance, take the week off and play for a full seven days. By that point I had a room mate who was as much as a gamer as I was, and when the game came out we would walk to the game store, buy it, stop off at the beer distributer and buy a 30 pack each, then go home and start.

The reason I told you all of this is to properly lay the ground work, so you understand I am no stranger to playing video games for an extended amount of time. I would never, ever claim to have an “addiction” though. For two reasons, one, I would sound like a complete cry baby asshole, and two I still realized there was a very real world around me, and though I would drop out of it for days at a time I always made my way back. It isn’t like I play video games any less now that I am older either, my lady knows that when I get a new game, she probably isn’t going to see me very much for a while, and to be honest, if it is a good game I would with no qualms call the offices of Hey Stupid! and take a few days off work. . I just think that the people playing video games now are morons.

For the last few months (perhaps longer) doctors and scientists were trying to prove that extensive video game playingwas a serious addiction. I CALL BULL SHIT. BULL SHIT. BULL SHIT SHENANIGANS! In all seriousness, this group of concerned anal leaks have been trying to prove that video games are not only addictive, but that video game addiction should be considered the exact same type of mental illness as alcoholism, drug addiction or chronic masturbation (which can lead to “chapping” and carpal tunnel, as well as “sticky thigh” and “crusty pants”).

The studies that were conducted over the past year or so were submitted to the AMA for a vote to determine if in fact extensive video game play could be considered a serious addiction. Luckily on Sunday the AMA concluded that there was not enough evidence to support this claim and more research should be conducted. Without even debating the issue, the group turned around almost immediately and suggest that the American Psychiatric Association and began petitioning them to list “treatment” for this “disease” in the next edition of their Diagnostic Manual in 2012. They all have to be in someone’s pocket, but we will get to that later.

As I looked further into all of this I discovered that just like everything else people enjoy, there is a 12 step program for video gamers too. The best part was that there were “testimonials” from people that the program helped. My favorite was the 12 year old who claimed “playing online video games ruined my life, I wouldn’t spend time with my family and I didn’t even want to go to school”. I got news for you cock blaster, that has nothing to do with video games, online or otherwise, that has to do with your scrawny ass being 12. No one at that age wants to hang out with their family or go to school. I am pretty sure I still don’t.

What about all the positives that come from extensive video game playing? Hand-eye coordination, and entire generation of kids so computer literate, and electronically savvy that we as a culture are closer to the fantasies of sci-fi visions of the future than ever before. As well as the fact that it can be used as a tool to help autistic children or to develop the motor skills of people with more severe conditions.

The problem lies in two things. One, kids have turned into nothing but globs of shit. Obese, cry baby, lazy globs of shit. Two, parents allow this to happen. When I was a kid there were rules. No more than an hour of video games a night during school, or three hours a day on the weekends and only after my homework and chores were done. During the summer was a different story because I lived out in the middle of no where with very few other kids around, and the one that was played video games just as much as I did so if I got cut off at my place, I would just go to his.

As far as online video games go, that wasn’t as big of a problem because at the time the only big ones for me were Warcraft 2 on battlenet, Duke Nukem/Shadow Warrior and Blood. I f I was online for two long, my mom would just unplug the modem and that was it. If more parents would have a fucking back bone now instead of letting their fat ass bastard kids run their lives this wouldn’t even be an issue.

The group of “brains” who came up with this theory claim that video games can cause addiction because playing them for extended period of times can interfere with working, showering or even eating, as well as causing the gamer to have less time they will have socializing, the less time they will spend less time with their families and less time exercising. Bull shit once again. What happened to having to have “a recurring compulsion by an individual to engage in some specific activity as well as physical dependence on, abuse of, and withdrawal from drugs and other miscellaneous substances” for something to be considered an addiction? I AM addicted to nicotine. I am ALMOST addicted to alcohol. I am pretty certain my neighbor IS addicted to crack (or at least he acts that way). The point is it isn’t any of that. This whole thing is a bigger pile of bullshit than fatties trying to claim they shovel ton after ton of food down their pie pipe is an addiction.

If I were to define addiction the way this group of assholes does then I would be addicted to the folowing:

Looking at pictures of Victoria Beckham’s hot fucking rack.
Looking at all racks.
Looking at pictures of Lindsay Lohan’s vagina.
Looking at all vaginas…vagany…vagintapie…um, twats.
Masturbating three to seven times in the morning.
Masturbating three to seven times during lunch.
Masturbating three to seven times in the after noon.
Masturbating three to seven times in the early evening.
Masturbating three to seven times at night.
Masturbating three to seven times in church.
Pooping (not watching, doing…I aint in to shit porn)
Alright, maybe shit porn.
Watching T.V.
Watching movies.
Reading books
Reading comic books.
Working on Hey Stupid!
Masturbating three to seven times while writing this.
Watching Dog the Bounty Hunter.
Paying attention to anything and everything sci-fi or comic book related.
Beating up babies to feel more manly.
Making fun of the JaGe for being queer (is he, is he not, does he in fact fuck dudes?).
Pointing out the ferocity of Champ Kennedy’s rock hair.

The fact is (ready for the loop around) all of these guys are in the pockets of insurance companies that want to make it very easy for “video game addiction” or “VDA (trademark, copyright, I own it you fuckers)” as I am sure some group of pill producing assholes will call it on their commercial, to be treated in hospitals and special treatment centers so the insurance companies can collect a premium. Fuck off. Then again if that does end up being the case, can I collect retroactive damages? If so, some one owes me eleventy-two billion dollars. Which I will spend on video games.

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