Final thought on Chris Benoit.

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I want to say up front that as far as wrestling goes Chris Benoit was awesome. I know I have picked on him a lot because of the whole double murder suicide thing, but the truth is I would pick on anyone for that. I’m going to hell and I know it. Most of you reading this are already aware of the fact that I am HUGE wrestling fan and have been for as long as I can remember. It goes without saying that what happened was awful. I won’t say it was a tragedy because it wasn’t, but it was terrible. Whether it was the steroids, the pain killers or the fact that he finally went bat shit crazy is not what I am here to talk about.

What I am here to talk about is the fact that in the end he didn’t pass the 45 year mark, which according to recent studies seems to be the life expectancy for pro wrestlers. His young son was allegedly suffering from a condition called Fragile X, which I am very familiar with as my young cousin suffers from the same condition, and his wife was having troubles dealing with her son’s condition as well as the fact that Chris’ brutal and demanding schedule kept him away from home a lot no matter how he tried to be there. These all could have been factors that finally made him crack and the truth is there is nothing funny about it.

However…as I have previously mentioned I am in fact hell bound, so I mine as well make sure the flames are hot enough by poking fun at the dead.

JR: We’re here live tonight at the Benoit household in beautiful Fayetteville, Georgia for a special wrestling presentation. We are currently walking through the front yard, and look there’s a dog and he’s running like a scalded…dog!

King: Hey, its just a little dog. PUPPIES!!! Show me the puppies!!!

JR: You’re Fruity! Delicious! Delicious! FRUITY! FRUITY! Oh, (Bah gawd), you’re fruity! FRUITY! King!”

King: I’ll pile drive you.

JR: Judging from the noise inside, this match is already underway.

JR and King walk in and sit down at Benoit’s kitchen table.

JR: Well as we can see Daniel Benoit, or the Little Cripple…er as I like to call him is attempting to give his dad a flying headbutt.

King: But Toothless Aggression seems to be having none of it. This is going to be a slaughter.

JR just looks at him wide eyed then shakes his head

King: What? Your palsy actin up again?

JR: Never mind, Benoit now has a pillow...business is about to pick up!

King: Oh, here comes Nancy. Puppies!!!

JR: Mrs Benoit has her husband in his trademark German suplex hold.

King: One! Two! Thee! Four! She suplexed him four times, who knew she had it in her.

JR: GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! HE’S BEEN BROKEN IN HALF!!!

King: This is a savage beating. Wait, Benoit Is back up and climbing the couch. He could be setting up for a Suicide Dive!!!

JR just looks at him wide eyed then shakes his head

King: Why do you keep doing that?

JR: You’re the dumbest s.o.b. in the WWE!

King: I beat Andy Kaufman

JR: And we’re all very proud of you.

King: That sounded rather snide.

JR: He beat women.

King: And speaking of woman beating, The Canadian Crappler just executed his wife!!!

JR just looks at him wide eyed then shakes his head.

King: I mean…He successfully executed the Diving Headbutt and is going directly for the Figure Four.

JR: This is a slobberknocker!!!

King: Oh you’re a slobberer, you can only open one side of your mouth

JR: What the hell is wrong with you!!!

King: Hold that thought, It looks as if we are being joined by Ric Flair.

Ric: Wooooooooo!!!!

JR: Ric, what do you think of the theory that the average pro wrestler dies before age 45?

Ric: Wooooooooo!!!!

JR: But you’re over 1000 years old yourself

Ric: Wooooooooo!!!!

King: Ignore him, he’s never respected you Ric.

Ric: Wooooooooo!!!!

JR: I have respected him for years King, I just think he is wasting his talent by being the dirtiest player in the game

Ric: Wooooooooo!!!!

King: You’re right Ric, we should get back to the match.

JR: The Little Crippler is no where to be seen at this point, but it looks as if Mrs Benoit is about to tap out to the Rapid Wolverine!!!

King: What do you think started all of this?

Ric: Wooooooooo!!!!

With that Ric Flair woooooos away.

JR: I don’t know, Benoit has always been a quite man, rarely opening up to any one.

King: That’s not true.

Kurt Angle: Oh its true!!! Its damn true!!!

King: Well thanks for that Kurt, but no one cares any more…go back to Pittsburgh.

JR: You sure told him.

King: Look JR, I think Benoit is about to…

JR: MY GAWWWWWWWD!!!

King: Well there’s no question…she is wrapped up, Someone call the Undertaker!

JR just looks at him wide eyed then shakes his head.

King: What? He’s the Phenom…the Deadman…He’s never lost at WrestleMania.

JR: Benoit just ran upstairs to find his son, lets follow the action.

King: This is so exciting.

JR: Oh my god, Little Crippler is swinging from the over head light!!! He just drove his knee into Benoit’s back

King: This is a savage beating

Booker T: Can you dig it…sucka?!?!

King: Booker T, when did you get here?

Booker T: I’m not sure…that was some good crack!

JR: Now Benoit has his son in the Crossface.

King: Oh but Lil’ Crip just punch him in the face.

Booker T: Five Time, Five Time, Five Time face beating.

JR: Hey Booker, there are three people outside willing to pay attention to you.

Booker T: I still have a career!!!!

JR: Benoit just hit his kid with a Backhand Chop and a High Speed Powerbomb.

King: I am so excited I think I’ll run for mayor again!!!

JR: Settle down King, and take off that stupid crown.

King: Its no worse that your cowboy hat!

JR: You know damn well the top of my skull was eating by robots that were programmed by Triple H!

King: Wow! The ref is sliding in for the count.

JR: One! Two! Three!

King: Its all over. Its all over. He killed them.

JR just looks at him wide eyed then shakes his head.

King: I mean he killed their chances of winning!

Vince McMahon: Stop this, stop all this. This is awful. This isn’t funny.

King: Wait…didn’t you fake your own death a few weeks ago?

Vince: Yeah, but I’ back now, I had to…fix…something on wikipedia.

JR: This is about the Venous Duck again isn’t it.

Vince: You’re Fired!!!

The End.

Well there you have it. I now have to go prepare my soul for eternal damnation.

One response to “Final thought on Chris Benoit.

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