I am sick and fucking tired of Bam Margera’s existence. I will be honest, I dug Jackass, it made me laugh, hell even Jackass 2 cracked me up, but why the fuck did Bam get a career out of that? Oh what? He was a pro skateboarder? That’s like saying oh man…he’s a pro Paper Rock Scissors player. If it weren’t for his bullshit I wouldn’t have had to an entire lame sumer of HIM stuff being everywhere…god what a shitty fucking band. It isn’t like his show was even that good, he wasn’t funny and he had no screen presence. It was just more worthless shit that MTV shoved down the throat of the American public to make a quick dime and of course the public bought it because the public is fucking retarded.
Well fuck it, its time I cash in on him too since lets face it, he only has about two or three weeks left until he is completely washed up and everyone has forgotten about him.
I present to you…
BEHOLD!!!The magick of the Bam Margera Scarf!!!
One day, just after Jackass went off the air, Bam realized that he had absolutely no talent whatsoever and needed a way to survive. He probably could have lived comfortably off of his pro-skter saving and his Jackass royalties, except that he used all of that money to fly to Tijuana and pay for his operation to get the last bit of his hermaphroditic vagina removed so that he would only have is insignificant penis left. He new he wouldn’t be homeless because he was living in his mom’s basement, but he still needed some money to pay for cds of shitty music that he thought was awesome.
Bam decided to go for a walk…wait wait wait, fuck it, even the name Bam is fucking ridiculous and stupid so I am gonna call him Brandon which is in fact his name. Anyway, he decides to go for a walk to clear his head. Then, while deep in thought, contemplating how he can get someone to kick him in the balls repeatedly, tape it and sell it to MTV as a half hour show he stumbles across a scarf just lying on the ground. He reached down with one fingerless glove covered hand and picked it up. As he wrapped the scarf around his neck he felt a strange tingling sensation, but he didn’t worry about it, he figured it was like that time his no talent ass was homeless and he slept on a pile of blankets covered in Preparation H and sucked dick for cash. (Oh alright I made that last part up…you know as well as I do he sucks dick for free.) Bam walked back home and decided not to worry about it any more.
The next day when Brandon woke up he climbed up out of his mom’s basement and decided to go to the mall. Just like every other pre-teen slutty girl Brandon knew that the mall would offer him a bit of happiness in the form of Hot Topic, Pac Sun and FYE. He could browse all the shit that MTV says is cool for him to buy and it would make him happy. He looked out side and decided it was probably still chilly out (even though it was mid July) and he should put on his new scarf.
With his neck wrapped tightly in its scarfy goodness he made his way to the mall. Once he got to the mall however he was very sad. Sad because he forgot to ask his mommy for money before he left the house. He told a passerby about his problem hoping the fellow would pay him a few pence to headbutt him the kick him in the scrotum, after all, that’s how he made a “living” up to this point. Wisely the man just said, “Fuck off you fucking loser. If you had any talent you’de be in movies like that nice Johnny Knoxville gent. Real movies, not just pathetic shit storms like Haggard either. Get a job you fucking dolt”. Brandon thought to himself…maybe this fellow was right…yeah…a job! That’s what he’d do, he’d get a real job, with real pay and everything.
Brandon walked himself down to the local Seven 11 just bound and determined to be there next Slurpee Jockey. As he walked closer to the store his scarf started to make his neck tingle, poor Brandon had no idea what was in store. (get it…in store…seven 11…oh you people suck)
As you can see from the photographic evidence above, Brandon’s scarf reared up and shot out tongues of flame burning the very store to the ground. Brandon was so frightened that he tried to take the scarf off, but just like everything else in his life he failed miserably in his attempt. The scarf enlarged in size and took on a form reminiscent of genie Jafar at the end of Aladdin, and said unto him “I am the mighty scarf of Satan!!! You wear me now just as Tom Green did before you. Before you take me off I ask you to consider one thing, If you remove me now and cast me aside, you can go on with your useless existence and never achieve anything, or you can leave me on and never have to work again in your life. In exchange you must give me your soul. If you agree to this, you will find fame beyond on all of your wildest dreams just like Tom Green.” In an uncharacteristic moment of clarity Brandon thought aloud, “Wait, Tom Green was only famous for about three years, and even then it was only on MTV, sure, everyone bought into it, but that was only the indescribably stupid MTV audience.” The scarf genie boomed out in a powerful voice…“So?” Brandon thought it over for a minute then agreed. Hell, being lazy, worthless and annoying was the only thing he was good at and since he really didn’t have a soul anyway, why not make the deal.
The scarf kept his end of the deal, and soon enough Brandon found himself back on MTV, on posters in every Hot Topic store and even in a few Tony Hawk video games. Things seemed like they were going good for him, expect for the fact that he looked like a complete cock eater, and he was happy. Sure he still had no talent and no ability, but that didn’t bother him any. One day he even decided to test the scarf and sat down and listened to all of his shitty music collection. Brandon’s goal was to find the shittiest music, by the shittiest band, in his extensive shitty music collection and see if he could make that band popular. Half way through his stack his scarf stopped the music and opened a temporal vortex and what appeared was the god awful Finnish band HIM.
Now that he knew the power of the scarf was unquestionable, he he decided to see just how powerful he was. He made a shitty movie about his shitty life and started his own Sirius radio broadcast. To his amazement people continued to eat it up. “I’m a complete tool and douche nozzle, yet people still worship me” Brandon thought to himself. “What next?” It wasn’t long until he even started his own shitty record label. If that wasn’t enough, even though he has competed in a skateboard competition in years he still managed to clear a hefty income from his skating endorsements. All of the mindlessly stupid MTV zombies were literally throwing money at him…and he couldn’t even spell literally. Hell he could barely even spell G.E.D. when he got his, yet there he was…high school dropout and puppet master…but for how long?
Someday the scarf will leave Brandon, and he will fade into an even more obscure existence than Tom Green cause lets face it even he wasn’t that annoying, and I fucking HATE him.