So the other night, I was half asleep. It was 4:30 in the morning and it was damn hot in my house. Summer is in full swing and there is no denying it. As I laid there trying to get as much of my flesh as possible hit by the cool air from my AC I suddenly farted. Now normally that wouldn’t have been so bad, but for diner I had anchovie an asparagus pizza and washed it all down with milk. Now just imagine that churning and bubbling around in my stomach for a few hours. The gas it emitted from my colon was enough to kill a lesser man. The worst part was that my mouth was open and I in fact tasted my own asshole.
So, since now beyond any doubt there was no way I was going to go back to sleep (I had by this point thrown up blood) I figured I would watch some t.v. I was worried because normally every time I turn on the tube there is nothing of any interest on, only shit that makes the watcher even more stupid then when they began, this night however…I was in for a treat.
I flicked on the tube jsut in time to catch the opening of the 1989 action/sci-fi classic Cyborg. Now I know what you’re thinking, hwo could any movie with Van Damme even be watchable. It works like this, they used to write a movie then cast Van Damme in it. See that way he was just some actor. Look at Bloodsport and Kickboxer. Both of those movies are bad ass and would have been just as good with any other actor trained in martial arts. Anyway, back to the main focus of this piece, Cyborg is one of the greatest pieces of American Cinema.
I support this statement in many ways.
1) Character Names
In case you are a complete moron those are all references to different musical instrument manufacturers.
2) Basically this movie is a shit fest. I’ll admit it, but it is a great shit fest. It is like Mad Max with out the Australians. The truth is the company that produced was supposed to produce Masters of the Universe 2 and a Spider-Man movie, but both projects fell through. Left with a set and the costumes, this is what was crapped out. The truth is watching this movie is a lot like watching Waterworld, sure its bad and cheesy and it has Van Damme in it, but you could do a lot worse.
3) The intro-
“First there was the collapse of civilization: anarchy, genocide, starvation. Then when it seemed things couldn’t get any worse, we got the plague. The Living Death, quickly closing its fist over the entire planet. Then we heard the rumors: that the last scientists were working on a cure that would end the plague and restore the world. Restore it? Why? I like the death! I like the misery! I like this world!!”
4) Chainmail in the future. Think about it, this movie takes place late in the 21st century in a post apocalyptic world, the technology to develop Cyborgs is in daily use, but the best protection Fender can come up with is chainmail.
I mean sure, nothing really says bad ass quite the way that chainmail does, but lets be honest here, it doesn’t really offer the best protection. If you have any doubt, just ask…this guy.
5) Pirates. That right, pirates. Weird futuristic cyborg pirates.
Well there you have it.