No, despite the reference, this is not another Ghostbusters piece. This is an extremely gross personal story…so be prepared. About three nights ago I woke up to take a shit in the wee morning hours. I walked into the bathroom and sat down to shat. As I was sitting there I ran my hand through my hair in an attempt to wake myself up a little. When I looked at my hand I noticed some blood on it. The thing was though that it wasn’t regular blood, it was that thick, dark…almost black blood that stinks really really bad. I wiped off my hand and began to worry that I had gashed my head open on something.
I ran my hand through my hair again and came up empty. Then I decided to explore a bit further, sure enough and the bottom edge of my hair line right on the back of my neck was a big hole on top of a bump indicating an ingrown hair. This thing was like a volcano. I couldn’t figure out how it had grown this big with out me noticing it. I decided to squeeze the fucker. It popped. Now I know that people will often say a zit or ingrown hair popped, but this actually popped…as in made a loud popping sound. The pain was so intense I temporarily blacked out.
As it turned out I blacked out to such a degree I slipped off the shitter. As I was crawling back on the thrown I noticed where the puss from my new neck hole exploded al over the wall. It wasn’t regular liquidy puss either, it was thick and chunky like mashed potatoes. It was white in color which is important to remember for later. I got some toilet paper and wiped the puss off the wall. Now though I was shitting at the time, I am not shitting you when I say that there was enough puss splattered all over the wall to easily fill a shot glass or two. Believe me a shot glass is a lot to fill with puss, and it fucking stunk. I knew it was the puss because as far as the shit was going I hadn’t even squeezed out a fart yet.
I could tell that there was still more gross shit in there that needed to come out…so I squeezed again. Another loud pop and then I felt it. This time I didn’t black out and I felt the nasty gross puss shoot out all over my hand and continue on its way until it splattered once again all over the wall. This time even that made a sound. It was like the sound of a watter balloon falling on pavement. SPLAT! Again, at least another FULL shot glass. This time though the shit was pinkish gray in color. It was like mashed potatoes again in texture but the color was like someone added ketchup to the potatoes. The plus side was that this load had almost no smell, so it wasn’t that bad. I cleaned up the mess and proceeded.
I reached back again. The bump was smaller without question, but I could still feel shit in there. I bit down one more time and squeezed again. This shit squirted out right into my hand. It was so thick it felt like that slime that you used to get in a plastic bubble out of a quarter machine. Once again the pain was intense. It was so bad I shit. Luckily this time I stayed on the shitter.
When I finally stopped and looked at my hand it was like nasty Jello. It was thick, it was semi solid, and it would wiggle. I flushed the toilet to get the shit smell out of the area, then I sniffed the death goo in my hand. I gagged. I actually threw up a little in my mouth…but I couldn’t stop sniffing it. It was like I was sniffing the devil’s ass. It was SO awful the English language is incapable of describing it. Every time I sniffed it i through up a little more in my mouth. Finally I had to stop. There was so much of this shit in my hand that it too could have easily filled at least two shot glasses.
That my friends is a total of five shot glasses worth of puss that I squeezed out of the back of my neck. I decided to give it one more squeeze for good measure. At that point all that came gushing out was blood, but that must have been what I needed because it forced out the hair. By the time I stretched out the ingrown hair and measured it, it was four inches long. Figuring that uncut human hair grows about 6 inches a year, this had to be in my neck for at least 8 months. No wonder that puss stunk so fucking bad.
I had the hole in my neck for a few more days and it would bleed randomly, but at the time of writting this it feels pretty healed up. I did have to pick a crusty scab off of it, but no more puss comes out.
MMMM what a tale.