I am sure if you have been paying the least little bit of attention lately that you have seen that the current trend in the movie industry is to rape the 80’s to death (think the big knife tied to the penis of the dude who fucked the hooker on Se7en (by the way I hate…HATE movies that replace a letter with a number. It was cool back in the late 80’s early 90’s when L33Ts did it as away as disguising what we were saying from norms, but then it just retarded)) with recent movies like Transformers, Miami Vice, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the upcoming films like Thundercats, Dressed to Kill, the A-Team, He-Man and G.I. Joe. It wouldn’t be so bad if the people responsible for these movies would actually make them for the fans, the guys and girls…no lets be honest, the guys who have always been fans, the guys that know all the trivia about these shows, the guys that have all the toys and other weird collectibles and the guys that have been WAITING for the return of the great shit from the 80’s, In fact that would rule. Unfortunately the truth is no one cares about those people. All the studios care about are the “Norms”, the people that just barely remember these jewels, but will go see it because it reminds them of a time before their parents forced them into sports and jockdom.
Look at the shit storms that were Transformers, Miami Vice, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It was like the directors/producers watched about 5 minutes of the original shows and then said “Yeah, I am completely ready to fuck this puppy to death!!!” It sickens me, but I know I’m not the only one, so lets ask two of my old friends…Mumm- Ra and Krang.
So Mumm-Ra…Krang, what do you boys think of the latest Hollywood trend to cash in on 80’s television?
: Are you fucking serious? Its worse than the time I tried to capture Lion- O and the Thundercats by coming up with a crafty plan only to have it fall through!
: Wasn’t that pretty much every episode
: HOLD YOUR TONGUE!!!
: But you have to be at least a little bit excited, the new Thundercats movie will be putting some coin into your pockets…um ah…coin hold bandages? Where the hell do you carry your money in that get up?
: I have a special pocket sewn into my cape. Look, the point is they aren’t ever going to get the right person to play me in a live action version, and If the do animate it will be CGI and I am sure they will make me look worse than robo-vagina faced Megatron in the Transformers movie… I mean come on, he wasn’t even close. His face LOOKED LIKE A METAL VAGINA!
: Oh calm down. At least you’ll probably still be included in the movie. I didn’t even know they made a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie until it bombed its way in and out of theaters. Apparently Shredder and I weren’t important enough to the TMNT mythos to be included.
:But that cgi piece of shit was a bigger waste of time then Turtles 3.
: I don’t care, Shredder got to be in two movies, and I am a way cooler villian than he is. It hurts my feelings.
: Bebop and Rocksteady never got to be in a movie. Hell they even had their concept ripped off by Tokka and Rahzar.
: Whatever, the movie was still ass.
: Agreed, so, what have you guys been doing with yourselves, and how did you two ever become friends? What the hell is that about?
: We started a detective agency.
: Well as it turned out their aren’t a whole lot of accountants that want to work with cartoon super villains. I guess its because we are portrayed as over the top and completely insane.
: Yeah I mean I guess if we were just regular villains it wouldn’t be so bad…but we’re super villains. We’re super bad.
: Yeah, so we both had the same accountant, but we had never met. We didn’t actually get to know each other until late ’98 early ’99.
: Yes. You see, I have never lived that extravagantly, I mean sure, I’m a mummy, I should be greedy, but the truth is I bought a small condo in Malibu when the show first kicked off and I bought a sensible Volvo at the launch of season two, and that was it. I figured I would save all of my money and when the show ended, have enough to retire on. When I decided to buy a new car though, I found out my account was almost completely empty. I mean I wasn’t kidding myself, I knew my residuals weren’t as high as say Cobra Commander, but I was still a substantial 80’s cartoon villain. As I started to look into I found my accountant spent all my money on coke and prostitutes. Interestingly enough his favorite prostitute was Cheetara. Such a shame what happened to her. What with the meth and the sex…and the countless, COUNTLESS pornos.
: Yeah, and when I saw in the Super Villain trade paper that he was filing suit against the same person who was my accountant I decided to check my funds. I was horrified to find that I was almost flat broke. It was already a difficult time in my life, I was drinking heavily, April O’Neil and I had apparently had a one night stand and she was pregnant with my kid, and I was out of money. I was gonna start sucking dick for money, but then Mon-Star (of Silver Hawks fame) said , why don’t you just make it a joint suit. We did and we won. Unfortunately we only got about $25,000 each out of it.
: So you two decided to go in to business together rather than try and survive off of 25k a piece?
:Not exactly, We had originally decided that we had both been burned too badly. I sold my condo and my Volvo and Krang faked his own death to avoid a paternity suit and we bolted for South America. We ended up living in a small village outside of Guadalajara and becoming completely addicted to coke. Then when it was revealed that April’s kid was actually a product of her affair with Splinter we decided it was safe to return to the U.S.
: Yeah, and since we snorted most of our savings at that point we decided to start the Mumm-Kra Detective Agency.
: So what kind of cases do you guys work?
: Cases? Oh no…we used our entire small business loan to buy a sweet ass car and now we just drive around Los Angeles listening to “Rollin Down Rodeo With A Shotgun!”