I can’t stress this enough. I have stated multiple times that after Hollywood took it upon itself to rape and destroy one thing I love with their shitty comic book movies, that my childhood memories would be next. Need proof I said that…see here, here and here. I thought that after bitching about it for the last year or so that I was amply prepared for the next few years in movies to be complete shit but I was wrong. There were certain properties from my youth that would be safe in this current trend. I foolishly thought that things like The Smurfs, the Snorks and Alvin and the Chipmunks were untouchable. Well that was until I went to see the Simpsons movie this weekend to write a review of it. Funny thing though there is no Simpsons movie review written by me in existence, instead there is this. During the previews I saw a trailer for…Alvin and the Chipmunks.
That’s right you sons of bitches…look at it. Take it all in. Now this movie is unholy for so many reasons but where I am going to begin is a problem I have with a whole slew of movies. Why is it when some dumb ass director gets a bug up his ass to make a movie like this based on an old animated show they fill the need to do it with either live animals (shitty shitty Underdog movie) or they decided to use crappy cgi (Thundercats movie) or worse yet, they decided to make cgi and live action fuck and make this kind of retarded shit (Transformers movie, Scooby Doo movies, this shitball)? The fact is it doesn’t need to be done. Seriously, if you are going to rape my childhood at least do it right, but they won’t they are going to repackage it in a shiny new wrapper to make a few extra bucks off what their market research shows what kids today think is cool. Fuck kids today. They are all morons anyway. It is just another case of Hollywood missing the boat. Rather than pay tribute to the people that truly cherish their memories and really sincerely loved the show and can still name all of the primary characters (Alvin, Simon, Theodore, Brittany, Jeanette, Eleanor, Dave Seville and Beatrice Miller) their dog (Lily) and the Chipmunks birth mother (Vinny) and still have the bulk of their “albums” on the original tapes, Hollywood decides to say fuck you we want the quick buck.
What they fail to realize is if it is done with respect to the original property and its fans then a good well written movie will come out of it which will bring in an audience on its own, but on top of that the hardcore fans will also elevate to cult status and keep it making money for years after its release.
Now, I will admit I haven’t bothered to look up any info on the plot of this sure to be shit bomb but I can promise it was crapped out in about 20 minutes. Lets face it The movies target market is obviously young kids and their parents who for the most part probably don’t remember much of the original series and as long as the voices are high pitched (which they are) and Alvin is the “cool” one, that’s all that is going to matter to those people. That’s bullshit.
And what about that poster, why the fuck are they dressed like rappers? 80’s rappers beyond that.
Fuck you Hollywood. I hate you.