9:00 am MST-
JaGe: Ooooo I feel Gross. I feel itchy all over. You need to clean this couch.
Britt: I am gonna scrub it all over.
JaGe:You need to burn this fucker. Immediately!
Let me explain before we go into the story that every word of this is completely true. In fact no matter how good of a writer I am no one on Earth has an imagination this good.
8:00 PM August 4th 2007, The JaGe and I roll out of the Hey Stupid! HQ to hit the town. We were going to proceed directly to the rally, but due to the bad traffic and the fact that we hadn’t received our all access press passes, we decided to stay close to base that night.
I suggest we go to my local favorite, The Stampede and we head out. on the way we get a phone call and decide to go to Nick Fit’s house to wish him a happy birthday. After a quick beer we ride on down to the bar. We arrive around nine and the place is pretty dead. Aside from the copious amounts of sausage in the place the only vagina was a total skank in a red bikini and a hooker.
About that time, my dad arrives and we decide to start drinking. Our waitress comes over to take our order, and at about that time “Red Bikini” or the “RB” walks by and the bitter smell of chlamydia hung thick in the air. JaGe decides we should play a game of pool. The upside is that hardly any one else is in the place, the downside is that neither one of us had played pool in years.
After I won pool when JaGe sunk the 8 ball we moved on to silver strike bowling. As it grew closer and closer to 10 we grew more and more drunk and more people filtered in. At this point I decided the JaGe needed to talk to the hooker. I was trying to encourage him as best I could “go man…talk to that hooker.”, even my dad was saying “Go, go go.” JaGe held out though and wouldn’t say anything (due to his rampant homosexuality) and my dad clarified he was saying “no no no”.
We walk over to play a game of darts and at that point we notice that there is a rather hot blond and brunette throwing darts next to us. JaGe quickly became engaged in conversation with the blond and we had a pretty decent game. By about 11 pm I had decided we were both far to drunk to ride any more that night, so we push our bikes behind the place and call for a ride. Our ride shows up and JaGe starts complaining that he could have been laid by the blond and that I was a bastard for pulling him away. Our next stop was Shotgun Willy’s the local strip joint.
We arrive at the strip club and lucky for us it was two for one night. Unfortunately for us only about three of the girls in the whole place were hot enough to even be remotely eligible to receive our cocks. Not to forget there was a repulsive pudgy one. I sent the JaGe for a lap dance as a birthday treat with the pudgy one and he returned with a look of utter disgust on his face and sheer terror in his eyes. The conversation went down like this.
E-Rokk: What’s the matter, never had a fat girl in a g string grind her nasty greasy vagina on you?
JaGe: It wouldn’t have been so bad if it weren’t for the fact that every time she grinded down on me I could feel her baby kick.
Let me take a moment for me to describe to you the unfortunate hell hole that was the strip club we were in. The pisser was a trough. That’s right An old ass disgusting trough pisser. Not forgetting the pregnant stripper, some other ones of note were the 60 year old and the midget.
It is rapidly approaching midnight and the JaGe and I are beyond drunk. I mean to say we are hammered. In fact not just hammered, but hammered to the point when a drunk guy says “I’m H-A-M-M-E-R-E-D! Like true champs though we decide to keep drinking. It is at about that point that an Asian girl takes the stage and starts removing her clothes. I am fairly certain that it was to a Nickelback song, but because of events that would transpire later I will let that slide.
JaGe turns to me and says, “Is it me, or is that stripper GORGEOUS? My cock needs to penetrate her.” After that he walked off to the shitter. The stripper comes down off the stage, and being a man of action, I invite her to sit with us. She sits down and we get to chatting. Now, I am a worldly man, I have made small talk with strippers before, and I know the deal. Strippers will say any thing to get a few more ones shoved in their g-strings. This was something different though, this was actual conversation.
By the time the JaGe had returned from the shitter and bought another round, he was happy to learn that I had convinced the Asian stripper to go home with us and bring the 60 year old stripper for kicks. I think it was safe to say the JaGe didn’t believe me.
Fast forward to 2:10 am and we are standing out side the strip club waiting for her to come out. The JaGe continued to doubt the stripper was going to go home with us, convinced in stead that she would opt to bolt out the side door. As we stood there…well lets be honest, as we sat there unable to stand because of the level of inebriation a man walks up to us and asks for a smoke. We inform him that since we have been imbuing alcohol all evening we were fresh out of smokes. He walks over, sits in his car, rolls the window down and yells, “Hey, either of you got a lighter?” The JaGe replies, “Sure!” The drunk hollered back, “You should light my car on fire!” The JaGe looked at me, then back to him and shouted, “With you in it?”
We continued sitting on the curb and fire car dude rides past a few minutes later on a bicycle with completely flat tires. Just then the stripper comes out.
Stripper: O.k. boys, lets go. Where do you live?
E-Rokk Oh, only like two blocks away.
JaGe: Isn’t it like 30 blocks?
Stripper: Fuck. I’m calling a cab.
Now we are at an important point in the story. The stripper offers to pay for the cab. This is important because my mind immediately recognized what was happening. She was going to charge us for sex and then roll the cab ride into the fee. The JaGe and I sat in the back seat of the cab mouthing…not even speaking…mouthing an entire conversation about how bad this situation was about to become.
The cab arrives back at my abode and JaGe and I jump out of the car and start walking to the door. We left the stripper in the cab, not even offering to help pay. When we are far enough away I lean over to the JaGe and say, “If she doesn’t want to charge us for sex we’re golden, but if it’s a few bucks to fuck walk right past my door and straight out the back door. We both agreed it was a good plan.
As I stood at the door inputting the security code for my building I heard a strange sound. I let the hooker and the JaGe in and decided to walk over to investigate. I found what can only be described as the orgy from hell. There was fat lord of the dance complete with shirtlessness and headband, the Jolly Green Giants retarded son Sprout, a fatty with her tits out, a fatty with her tits and ass out and a former stripper lighting her nipples on fire…my kind of people.
The JaGe and I made our way inside with the stripper, and it is at this point the details get, how should I say…hazy. Now keep in mind that trough all this my nine month pregnant wife is in the house sleeping. I run in to try and diffuse what I think may be a bad situation. I mean, I am in fact about to bring a hooker/striper into my apartment I share with my nine month pregnant wife at a quarter till three. Then the best exchange of words to ever come out of any one’s mouth takes place.
Britt: I am hungry.
E-Rokk: Well honey…ah. The JaGe and I brought a stripper who is possibly a hooker home for him to enjoy.
E-Rokk: If you go out there you’re going to have to take off your wedding ring. I told her we were room mates so she wouldn’t get scared off.
Britt: She’s really going to believe you live with a woman who is nine months pregnant?
E-Rokk:Hookers believe anything. It isn’t like they have educations.
Britt: Whatever I just need to pee.
We drank our way through a 30 pack of High Life and started watching Once Upon A Time In Mexico. I need to make it very very clear that since we weren’t sure if she was going to charge for her services or not we decided we weren’t going to try and fuck her unless she initiated.
A few hours later I am ready to pass out. The JaGe and the stripper are crashed on the couch, both fully clothed. I am hit with a moment of fear. I run over and try to take the hookers pulse, nothing. I lift up her arm and drop it back down on her. It lands with a thud, yet still nothing. I try this same technique, only with her leg, still nothing. At that point I am sure she is dead and all I can think is “I know at some point in my life I am going to be involved in a story that ends with “so we tossed the dead hooker along the road” but I didn’t want it to be yet.”
I awaken The Jage and say, “quick, feel her nose and see if she is still breathing.” He does and assures me she is still alive. I decide I am far too drunk and need to pass out. I as walked in to the bed both The JaGe and the ho are sleeping on the couch fully clothed. The next morning however The Jage is still clothed and the hooker has a shirt on with a bra hanging out of it and her pants down to her ankles. The interesting part about this equation is that The Jage swears he didn’t undress her or fuck her. It is just weird enough of a situation that I believe him. The hooker wakes up and leave and the following discussion occurs…
E-Rokk: Dude, did we get a free cab ride out of a hooker?
JaGe: Yes we did. Now I have to figure out a way to get the taste of weed and hooker spit out of my mouth.
E-Rokk: That was a weird night.
JaGe: That was a bad night. We haven’t even made it to the rally yet.
E-Rokk:I feel good about this trip. How about you?
JaGe: Ooooo I feel Gross. I feel itchy all over. You need to clean this couch