Since day one had scared me for life, I assumed that day two should be a little more toned down. Thats what I assumed, but this is Sturgis, I am staying with E-Rokk and I am The JAGE so I should have known that day 2 was going to be just as fucked up as the day before it.
Since the Asian hooker didn’t stumble out till around 11:00 today, I pretended to be sleeping to avoid a very sober and awkward conversation with her. E-Rokk stayed in his room for the exact same reason, but Britt was nice enough to make her eggs! As soon as she left, me and E-Rokk fought for the shower so we could wash that slut right outta our hair! After a good delousing, and some more eggs, we were ready to go. We hit up a local liquor store and got a bottle of whiskey, since beer at sturgis is $4 a piece, we decided to take our own. Of course, E-Rokk bought the cheapest and worst whiskey known to man, so we ended up buying very expensive booze all night anyway.
We make it up to Deadwood, which is where Predator Performance was suppose to be with our VIP passes, but, of course, we couldn’t find them anywhere. As we were walking past a Casino, the Mineral Palace I believe, a gorgeous half-naked blonde with amazing fake tits offerers us a coupon for free beer.
FREE BEER?? Why not? We enter the casino and promptly get a Free glass! As we are enjoying the coolness of our beverage and the air conditioning, E-Rokk spots a Beverly Hillbillies slot! He nearly cums on the spot! He dashes over and slams his beer down upon the machine, claiming it as his own. I start to explain to him that since there were exactly 5 old men in the entire casino I didn’t think that his display was necessary, he quickly quieted me. He places 3 crisp $1 bills in the machine, goes all out for the max bet, and promptly wins $20. We cash out, having gained a profit of $17 and 2 free beers we figure we had taken this casino for all they had, and we laughed our way back to our bikes.
As we enter the elevator of the parking garage, E-Rokk points to a strange smudge on the wall.
E-Rokk: “Is that a set of lips?”
The JAGE: “It kinda looks that way, theres another… and theres another!”
E-Rokk: “What the Fuck went down in here, this elevator only goes up 3 floors?”
The JAGE: “Well someone knows! (pointing to the oversize security camera mounted in the corner)”
E-Rokk: “I have a great idea”
About that time the doors opened and we stood there for a good 5 minutes discussing if we should show our balls to the camera or not… Of course we did!
A half hour later we arrive in the town of Sturgis, Pop. 4,662 on any normal day of the week, but this is rally time and there are hundreds of thousands of people in this little town. There were people from all walks of life, but mostly it was fat 40-something dudes and hot as hell young chicks wearing hardly anything. So when a couple of young pimps like me and the E-Rokk roll in, you know it going to be a good time!
First things first, were starving! We park our bikes on main street and head towards the One Eyed Jack Saloon. E-Rokk was on a mission for a certain type of food and wasn’t going to rest until he found it. As we passed countless food booths, all being maned by amazingly hot chicks in string bikinis, it became apparent to me that this trip was going to be the greatest week of my life.
“Oh fuck yes!” was finally heard from E-Rokk announcing our arrival at the smoked turkey leg booth. Now let me describe what a $6 turkey leg actually is. You go to KFC and get a drum stick; meat on one end, bone sticking out of the other, usually after 4 bites you’re done with it! Same concept, except the turkey leg is the size of a 2 liter bottle of Coke!
No joke, this thing was so heavy I had to keep switching arms! It was almost as big as E-Rokk’s package. We dive down a side street and grab a curb side seat. 45 minutes later we finally give up, neither one of us even got to the bone on this leg! So damn good! It was about that time Hippy (The father of E-Rokk) parks his sweet custom chopper beside us as we wipe the grease from our face. Its beer time!
As were walking towards One Eyed Jack, Nick Fit joins our group.
We head into the saloon and grab a few stools. I noticed David Draiman (front man for Disturbed) sitting across the bar from us just chillin out with a beer.
I give him a nod , he raises his beer to the JAGE, and much drinking ensues. Since the rally doesn’t actually start up until tomorrow, not much else happens, until we are trying to leave.
If you have read anything from Sturgis 2006, then you know about E-Rokk’s run in with the Religion Extremists. Hippy decided to stick around, so me, E-Rokk and Nick Fit are walking back towards our bikes.
E-Rokk: “Oh shit! This is the place where those fucking religious freaks were yelling at me last year.”
Nick Fit: “I hate religious people, my next tat will be something crazy like a hot gothic chick masturbating with an upside down cross or something!”
The JAGE: “Lets just walk by, don’t make eye contact. Were not doing anything wrong so they won’t try to make trouble with 3 dudes in boots and cowboy hats!”
Crazy Religious Freak: “Behold the serpents my brothers! The demons walk among us! The day of redemption is upon us and God will smote the earth of these vile and wicked serpents, like the 3 you see before you! In their “cowboy” hats and their sunglasses!”
Now, I’m not a “Religious Freak” but if you can locate in The Bible where it says that wearing a cowboy hat to keep the blistering sun off of my face is a sin, then I’ll gladly take it off. But if we would have been anyone else, those boys would have got the ass beating of their lives! But since me and E-Rokk cant afford any more fines and were pretty sure Nick Fit is wanted for a few counts of murder, we decided to keep walking and not spend a few nights in jail.
After fighting through the traffic for a good half hour to go 3 miles up the road, we arrive at the Full Throttle Saloon. This place was amazing! It was a bar, a night club, a concert hall, a strip club, a rodeo, a county fair, a junk yard, a brothel, a motocross track and a burn out pit! In other words, this was my kinda place! We parked our rides and went inside. As soon as we walked in we were bombarded with tits and ass. There was a band playing off to the left, behind us was a motocross team doing stunts, behind that was topless bungee jumping, to the right was an atm with a $5 surcharge, but directly in front of us was a 100 foot long bar being tended by 35 of the hottest and skankiest women to ever wear a G-string in public!
We already had a good buzz going on so we grabbed a round and started making our way through the crowd. We first checked out the burn out pit. Dudes were bringing in $100,000 bikes and burning the back tires off for the crowd. It was cool as shit but smelled worse, so we made our way towards the stage where Drowning Pool was playing. I wasn’t impressed so we made our way up stairs.
We found ourselves in a wild party, women everywhere with their tits hanging out, guys blatantly grabbing their asses, in other words, a wild bunch.
We start talking to this one dude and his hot wife, when suddenly another guy comes up behind her and sticks 2 of his fingers in this guys wife! I’m totally prepared to bail over the railing before the ensuing gunfight takes place, but the guy we were talking to didn’t seem to mind at all. Then it slowly sinks in, we were at a swingers party! I scan the crowd and see a few hotties so I make my way towards them. We all drink the night away, we all get our cocks grabbed more times than I’m willing to remember, and we make a bunch of new friends!
Its a little after 3am before we finally decide to leave. Nick Fit is trying to bone this Brazilian chick, but I couldn’t tell if he was in like Flint or about to crash and burn.
E-Rokk was passed out in some sort of old hospital reclining wheel chair, and I was talking to the hottest Asian I have ever met in my entire life.
E-Rokk starts rounding us up and we start to head toward the exit. Just then some dude literally runs into E-Rokk’s chest.
E-Rokk: “uggg what the fuck just hit me?”
The JAGE: “Um….. I think you just ran into Jessie James!”
E-Rokk: “Dude, your Jessie James! Will you sign my shirt?” (while wearing a WCC work shirt)
Mr. James: “Sure man, even though its a fucking boot legged shirt! And where the hell is Johnstown?”
After the shirt was signed and the handshakes exchanged E-Rokk The JAGE and Nick Fit mounted their shining metal steeds and took off back down the road toward the Hey Stupid! Head quarters for a bit of R&R.