Jenna Bush, you’re marrying the wrong man.

According to Yahoo (which is where I get all of my pertinent information), Jenna Bush (one of the twins) is to be wed to her long time boyfriend, one Henry Hager. For the record, I feel it is time I now publicly declare my unfailing love and adoration to Jenna and beg her not to marry Mr. Hager.


Dear Jenna,

Let’s just think about this for a minute. I’ve known you for what, just shy of 8 years now? Ever since your father came to the attention of the national and global public, I’ve been harboring these feelings for you. I’ll admit it, at first it began as merely a school boy crush and lustful desire to tag team you and your sister, but it’s evolved far beyond that. Neither of us can deny what our true feelings are. You’ve been subconciously wanting me for just as long as I’ve been seceretly longing after you. If you haven’t realized this yet, it’s just because you aren’t being true with yourself. Jenna, baby, the union of our bodies and souls both in physical and metaphorical senses, is long time over do. You need to take a step back and really think about what you’re doing. I’m sure in doing so, you’ll realize that you are, in fact, planning on marrying the wrong man. Here, let me tell you why:

Your name wouls be Jenna Hager… Hager… What would your friends call you for cool and witty nick names? Hag? Do you really want to be labled as a ‘hag’? In no way is there a positive conotation in that. On the other hand, if you were my wife, your initials would be J.W. Think about it, you’d be J. Dub! How kick ass is that!? On top of all of that, his name is Henry. Let’s list some other famous Henrys: Henry Ford, known antisemitic. Henry Rollins, mean spirited egotistical rock and roller who’s been known to physically harm people. Henry Kissinger… I don’t even need to get into that one, your father’s good name is still being drug through the mud because of that witless dunce. Those are just three. I could go on. But suffice it to say, if you marry this man you are marrying a mean spirited Jew hating egomaniac who lies to your father.

Next we have the issue of what your proposed husband does for a living: Business and Politics. He’s trying to make it in a world full of cut throat back stabbing price gouging money hungry animals. It will only be a matter of months untill you suffer the wrath of his blackened soul. There’s a reason that they say ‘all business men cheat on their wives’, it’s because it’s true! It’s in their blood!

You want to be a teacher, I love that about you! Because I love learning! And you have recently written a book… I’m a writer as well, and I love to read! We were made for one another. Your name starts with J, mine starts with a K… that means you will always come before me. His name starts with an H, that means he will always come before you. Do you want to live with that selfishness? Always comeing in 2nd place? You wouldn’t with me. You like to smile, and I love seeing people smile. I love making people laugh, wouldn’t you like to laugh?

I know you’ve had some trouble with the law, namely a misdemenaor of being a minor in possession of alcohol in Austin Texas On May 29th 2001, and being charged with another misdemeanor—attempting to use a fake ID (with the name “Barbara Pierce,” her paternal grandmother’s maiden name) to purchase alcohol, but that’s ok. I’ve had problems with alcohol too. We could be one another’s support group. I could aide your father in crucial decisisons about war (I know about war, I’ve been to Iraq), and global policies (I know about global policies, I’ve been to Italy), and economics (I know about the economy, I spend money all the time). God knows I’d do a much better job than those brainless apes he’s got working for him now. I’d remember to buy your mother a Mothers Day card. I’d never make you sleep with socks on, or dig holes in the back yard to burry dead puppies in. I’d buy you ice cream, and take you for long walks through the park, and feed you 3 times a day, and brush your hair and love you and need you and tell you how good looking you are and how you’re the smarter sexier better smelling tiwn. I’d take you to museums and I’d never ask you to pop the zits on my back and we’d grow old together down in Texas because I love Texas and you’re from there and I know how important family is to you JENNA! PLEASE! Don’t marry that other man…. marry me instead. I love you Jenna… you know you want to be with me.



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