There are so many times people ask me for my sage-like advice, because lets face it I am wise beyond my years and a scholar for the ages. I am one of those people that doesn’t act like he is better than you, he just IS better than you. Anyhow, I have decided that rather than just pointing out all of the faults of the stupid for the intelligent to laugh at, that I would actually share some of my incomparable intelligence with people who write in.
I’ve got this issue, and I figured you’d be the most qualified person to help me with it. You see, I’ve come to believe that I may very well indeed have a drinking problem. Most of the time, I’ll only drink 2-3 a night, and on the weekends, I usually only spend $40 at the bars, but there have been times where I wake up $70 dollars poorer, and my recollection of the previous night is kind of hazy. I’ve even drank so much that I vomited a few times (4-5).
Do you think I might have a problem?
Possibly An Alcoholic
Mom? Is that you? I thought I told you never to look at this website! Well, just in case this isn’t my dear old mum I will try and give a response to the question.
After reviewing this question I have determined you are not in fact an alcoholic. The Journal of the American Medical Association defines alcoholism as “a primary, chronic disease characterized by impaired control over drinking, preoccupation with the drug alcohol, use of alcohol despite adverse consequences, and distortions in thinking.”
The DSM-IV (the standard for diagnosis in psychiatry and psychology) defines alcohol abuse as repeated use despite recurrent adverse consequences. Further defining alcohol dependence as alcohol abuse combined with tolerance, withdrawal, and an uncontrollable drive to drink. From this it seems as though you simply depend on alcohol in a mental capacity as opposed to a physical dependence. Technically you’re still at the stage in which you really could stop drinking any time you want.
See it works like this. If you were an alcoholic I could come over to your house every night and beat you half to death with a sock full of golf balls and anally rape you as long as I kept pouring booze down your neck. In fact if you were out of booze you would go so far as to call me to beat you and rape you just to get the booze.
You on the other hand seem to just drink because you like to be drunk. There are plenty of people out there who fall in to this category. Self loathing, unadmitted homosexuals, teenage girls who weren’t loved enough by their daddies (or maybe loved “too much”) and have gained the rep of a slut, and of course, my favorite, white kids that listen to ICP or other shitty rappers because they secretly want to be black but feel guilty about it because they’re really white trash rednecks.
You see in every case it is someone who doesn’t want to be something they are. They turn to the booze to get hammered and forget. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that your current condition won’t lead to alcoholism, especially if you increase the quantity which you drink and the frequency that you drink it. Until then though, quit being a pussy and have a drink.