Hey E-Rokk: 9-10-07

There are so many times people ask me for my sage-like advice, because lets face it I am wise beyond my years and a scholar for the ages. I am one of those people that doesn’t act like he is better than you, he just IS better than you. Anyhow, I have decided that rather than just pointing out all of the faults of the stupid for the intelligent to laugh at, that I would actually share some of my incomparable intelligence with people who write in.

Hey E-Rokk,

I am writing today because I am seriously so depressed. I am a 27 year old male and today is the first time I have left my house in 19 years. When I was 8 years old my mom bought me a video game that I couldn’t beat. I won’t dare say its name as it may destroy me, but I have been playing this game non-stop for the last 19 years. At first I didn’t let it bother me that much. For the first two weeks I would even turn it off when I would die, go do something else then come back later and try again.

Soon though it became an obsession. I couldn’t stop. I would die, break something in my room and play again. As time went buy it got worse. By the end the routine was die, cut myself, jam a pen in my leg, smear some shit on the wall, then used my still shit covered hand to masturbate on to a crucifix while crying. After cursing my parents for my existence I would go back to playing and normally with in a half hour start the routine over again.

Needless to say I have had to repurchase the game multiple times to continue playing as I have broken the cartridge many many times. I still haven’t beaten it, but the last time I played it I cut myself a little to deep and passed out.

I saw in your wrestling game article that you were once obsessed with a game, how did you overcome it?

Yours,

Kevin

Alright Kevin,

Even though you didn’t say it I imagine you’re talking about the original Mega Man. There is no denying that this is probably one of if not the hardest Nintendo games of all time. I am fairly certain that this game was created by the Japanese as revenge for Hiroshima as I am sure they thought that since it was so insanely hard anyone that played it would kill themselves or go insane (as you clearly have).

My question to you is, where have your parents been this whole time? Sure I was and still am obsessed with video games as a kid, but my parents put a limit on it. You strike me as one of those snotty nosed kids who’s mom gave into them on everything and has lived at home until someone in your family died and you inherited their estate so you never actually have to get a job and you can actually afford to spend all day playing video games and jerking off.

I don’t really give a shit about your problem because people like you have no soul. Not that there is anything wrong with being obsessed with a video game or even freaking out and destroying something you own because you die or lose on a level, but because you bitch and moan about it and say that you have a problem. It’s not a problem, it’s a video game. Turn it the fuck off. Its people like you that give credence to assholes that blame all of their rediculous shortcomings on some sort of false addiction. Go fuck yourself.

In the mean time…what’s your mom up too? If she’s willing to give in to anything I’d love to give her a good snogging.

~E-Rokk

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