All I Wanna Do is Make Love To You

Which one of you chickenheads is responsible for this shit?

There’s not many things that get me irritated (yeah right) but one thing that REALLY gets me irritated is the Heart song “All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You”. You’ve all heard it. You’ve all danced to it. None of you ever listened to the lyrics. Brom Bones the Mayor of MySpace will now take you down the dark and very strange path that is this song.

It was a rainy night when he came into sight
Standing by the road
no umbrella
no coat
So I pulled up along side and I offered him a ride
He accepted with a smile so we drove for a while
I didn’t ask him his name
this lonely boy in the rain
Fate tell me it’s right
is this love at first sight
Please don’t make it wrong
just stay for the night

Let’s take a look, folks. I will spell it all out for you. Okay, this woman is driving down the dark and rainy highway. We’ll call this route 56. All of a sudden, there’s some dude up ahead that is soaked. Now, first off, we all know how bone-jarring it is to be driving down a dark and rainy road and see someone walking beside the highway. This is NEVER not creepy as hell. 9 chances out of 10, this dude just hacked up somebody that he was riding with, and is walking down the road in the rain because he is INSANE. She decides, “Man, I better give this dude a ride, he looks wet and in need.” He agrees to the ride, gets in. They start driving, “for awhile”. I guess we can assume that this ride is in silence, because the basic human thing when in a tight space with a stranger is to make uncomfortable small-talk. This usually includes an exchange of names. But they don’t exchange names, probably because the female behind the wheel is just as insane as Joey walking up 56 with a bloodstained axe and no umbrella. She is now thinking that this is some sort of fate that they met. She even thinks maybe it it is love at first sight. We’ll discuss this severe contradiction in a few moments. She does not want this to just be some fleeting hope she is feeling, and she really wants this dude to spend the night with her. Hey, it’s like Nelson said: “I can’t live without your love and affection.”

Love and affection, in no order.

All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will
You want me too
All I wanna do is make love to you
I’ve got loving arms to hold on too

Okay, she really wants to just have make-it with this guy. That’s fine, whatever. As a red-blooded American, I’m sure he’s not going to turn down a woman when an offer is on the table. She clearly is feeling down, and could use come tenderness in her life as a road-traveling, hitchhiker-loving knucklehead.

So we found this hotel
it was a place I knew well
We made magic that night. Oh
he did everything right
He brought the woman out of me
so many times
And in the morning when he woke all I let him was a note
I told him ‘I am the flower you are the seed’
We walked in the garden we planted a tree
Don’t try to find me
please don’t you dare
Just live in my memory
you ‘ll always be there

Okay, “so we found this hotel”. First of all, she wants this dude to stay the night. I guess maybe he wasn’t hot enough to take to her actual house, but is hot enough to shack up with at the West Vu Hotel in Pleasantville. She says she knows this place well. This can only lead us, the hungry listener, to believe that she has repeatedly partaken in this strange hobby. So they get there, they get some Frito’s and hot dogs and Diet Root Beers from the gas station next to the West Vu, and then they go back to the hotel to git ‘er done. They eventually grow tired of all this magic, and pass out. So what does this woman do? LEAVES!!!! She drags this guy to some whack hotel in the middle of nowhere, far away ( “we drove for awhile” ) and then she just leaves him there!!! Why in God’s name wouldn’t she take this dude home, or to a bus station, or to some mechanic if his car was broke down? No, she up and leaves this dude stranded!!! And the note… wow, what a note. Gentlemen, put yourself in this position. Your car breaks down. It is pouring down rain. You have to walk to at least Ogletown to get help. Some woman pulls up and offers you a ride. Then she wants to go to a hotel with you. You go, and everything takes place that you figured was going to take place. This is like a dream come true, right? You can’t wait to call your buddies and tell them what just happened. Then, you walk out of the bathroom and the woman is gone. You get the sinking feeling that you are suddenly stranded at the West Vu. But wait, there is a note. The note says:

I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden, we planted a tree
Don’t try to find me
please don’t you dare
Just live in my memory
you’ll always be there

Oh my God. Who in the hell did I just spend the night with? This is complete insanity. At this point, your fantasy has been spoiled by what is a very poor attempt at poetry. What is this woman even talking about? My first instinct is: she somehow knows she is already pregnant, and does not want me to try and follow her? Does she really think that any male on earth is going to track her down? The gig is up, sweetheart. You certainly made my night, but you left me stranded at a hotel with nothing but a piece of paper with some kind of junior-high poetry scribbled on it with lipstick.

Oh, oooh, we made love
Love like strangers
All night long
We made love

Okay, we’ll ignore the obvious here that this is clearly one of the worst verses ever written. So she is still talking about how this is love at first sight. Clearly they did not fall in love with eachother based on talking, because no talking took place in the car.

This is my favorite part:

Then it happened one day, we came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise when he saw with his own eyes
I said please, please understand
I’m in love with another man
And what he couldn’t give me
was the one little thing that you can

Here is how I imagine that this went down: Joey and a couple guys are sitting at a Dairy Queen enjoying some Blizzards when Joey unravels his tale of pleasure for the rest of the crew to hear. They can’t even believe how lucky he is, both for having a woman take him to a hotel, and also for her not murdering him in his sleep. Then Joey says this: “Look, I know you guys think this is insane, but I am really on to something here. I am 1 for 1, picking up women on 56. I am gonna go back down there and try this again. I think I may have found some sort of El Dorado at the West Vu.” Joey goes down and pulls his car off the road and opens the hood, waiting for chicks to come by. Then he starts walking down 56. Much to his surprise, not surprised over who showed up, but more a surprise that he was going to be 2-0 with this new pleasure-tactic. He is thinking “Oh my God, this is seriously gonna happen again, I can’t believe this.” So she informs him that they cannot go to the hotel again. Why? BECAUSE SHE’S IN LOVE WITH SOMEBODY ELSE!!! What happened to “fate”, and “love at first sight”? This is a complete contradiction to what she already said above. I’m sorry, but you CANNOT make love to somebody if you are not in love with them. That’s just like, my own opinion, man.

So as you can see here, this song is a tale of contradiction and sleaze. This is clearly not a song that should be held in any kind of romantic regard. Remember this the next time you and Rhonda are slow-dancing at the winter formal, or swaying at a Heart concert with your wife.

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