Assassination Attempt Foiled.

Friday the 13th brings out the ghouls and ghosts, and sometimes it even brings out the beast that lies in wait within mankind. That’s right, last night at about 30 to midnight, our great MySpace mayor, Mayor Bones, was almost on the receiving end of a death rattle. The bulletproof mayoral tractor-trailer was cruising along Interstate 70, a little East of Frederick, Maryland when the good and just mayor had to relieve himself. Passing the closed weigh-station, Mayor Bones remembered a truck rest-area up ahead, and immediately ordered the vehicle to come to a halt at said rest-area. What transpired was almost a bloody scene fit for the day in which it almost happened.

The rest-area is poorly lit and has “no facilities”, but does have three excrement-containment devices (portable toilets) located at the West side of the rest-area. There were no other trucks in the small lot, but there was a pick-up truck located some 50 yards to the right, on the East side of the rest-area. Despite the posted “no cars” signs upon the entrance to the rest-area, there remained the pick-up. Having intense psychic ability, Mayor Bones was immediately alerted to what he later called a “strange and uneasy feeling of strangeness and uneasiness”. So much was the feeling that Mayor Bones did not enter one of the three portable toilets; he instead relieved himself BEHIND the toilets, being that there was simply too strange of a potential for something bad to happen.

But this very shady situation was about to get even shadier. When Mayor Bones entered the large vessel again, he was immediately alerted to a man stalking in his direction, from the East side of the empty lot, seemingly coming from the out-of-place pick-up or from some other shadier locale. “Creepshow McGee”, named by the just and right mayor some time later, was staring into the cab of the truck while making his slow and insane journey towards the large vehicle. Did I ever tell you what Creepshow McGee was wearing that day? Well, he was wearing stone-washed jeans and a pink jacket.

Because of the assassin’s crazy eyes and armpit stench, Mayor Bones immediately turned on the truck and “hauled ass” out of the lot, back onto the interstate, only to look back to see that Creepshow McGee was turned around and staring at the fleeing vessel, no doubt cursing God for disallowing him to carve the great mayor with a hunting knife. Murderer expert Dr. Frederick “Dick” Mitchell was quoted as saying, “They do wear pink coats” when asked some time later. Dr. Mitchell then immediately changed topics and said, “I saw an Indian, in full dress, walk behind my Jeep. And you could smell the gunpowder! Oh, the gunpowder!”

This horrible night brought out many fans of the great mayor, from chickenheads in Kansas City to infamous sports analyst Jim Rome, who called Mayor Bones as soon as he heard the news. Mayor Bones basically had no comment, but did manage to tell us how he got through the ordeal. “I just kept thinking about all those interceptions I wouldn’t see Anthony Scirrotto make this year for the Nittany Lions. That’s what got me through it, in crunch time. That and titties. I was scared I’d never squeeze titties again. Let’s keep that last part off the record.”

If anyone has seen this killer or has been killed by him, please contact the Maryland State Highway Patrol as soon as possible.

Artist’s conception of murderizer:

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