My daddy played a guitar with a drill and people called it genius.


“My daddy played a guitar with a drill and people called it genius.”

Well, folks, it’s that time of the year again. I ain’t talkn’ about Horrison Fard, who does what he wants and comes and goes as he pleases, leaving a trail of skinless cattle and wet panties in his wake. Nay, I am talking about the annual Van Halen reunion rumors.

Heard this years installment the other day while surfin’ the tunes around Winchester, Virginia. Sometime next year, Van Halen is planning on sparing us to death with a reunion tour, complete with David Lee Roth. There have been 97 unsuccessful attempts at a Van Halen reunion in the past 97 years, but it looks like what held back this last one was NOT DLR (as is the usual culprit) but is actually Eddie Van Halen, the most pretentious and overrated musician in the history of the multiverse.

DLR will be there, Eddie and Alex on geetar and drums, and on bass is a NEW member of the Van Halen band… Eddie’s teenage son on bass, WOLFGANG VAN HALEN. That’s right, Wolfgang Van Halen.

The only thing worse than a Van Halen reunion is every Van Halen song. The only good thing about Van Halen is that God won’t let them reunite. Think about what you are giving up the next time you skip church and decide you don’t need to thank Jesus for anything. If you skip Christmas mass this year… let’s put it this way: if you listen REAL hard right now, you can almost hear ‘Jamie’s Crying’ off in the distance.

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