Attack of the Monchichi


I sit here now at 5:34 am mountain time, wide awake and with my heart pounding in my chest. What caused my to be sitting here in the state I am with cold sweats and clammy palms is a tale of weirdness I couldn’t pretend to make up.

Last night at about 8:00 pm I sat in my recliner watching tv and snacking on some potato chips and I guess I dozed off. I slept just fine in a dreamless state until about 2:45 am. The channel I was watching apparently went off the air for the night and I guess once it does it just airs tapes of old shows they have lying around in the warehouse because I woke up to see an episode of Monchichis through blurry eyes.

In my mind I was screaming for myself to turn the tv off before it could absorb any more of the radiation that was spewing forth from this awful show, but I was far to exhausted to react. At first my mind didn’t even put together what it was watching, it just knew it shouldn’t be looking at it. Eventually I was able to sit up, look at the tv and say aloud “Oh Jesus, its the Monchichis.

I turned the tv off and went to bed. No sooner had I drifted off than did i start to see images of those fucked up little monkey people tying me down and chewing away at the soft parts of my body. Then this one turned its head toward me slowly, his face covered in my blood and flesh from the section of my abdomen he was feasting, he smiled and in a high shrilly voice he sang out “You’re Fucked”.

I immediately sat up in my bed and checked all of my parts to make sure everything was there. I walked out to the kitchen to get a drink of water and I looked at the clock. It was only 3:15 am. In a half hour I managed to dream up one of the most disturbing things I had ever seen. I shrugged it off, splashed my face with water and went back to bed.

Sure enough as soon as I closed my eyes and relaxed…there it was again “You’re Fucked”. This continued happening every time I closed my eyes. Even now fully awake, if I close my eyes, I see it.

What the FUCK is wrong with the Japanese? I am serious now, if you look at other toys from the 80’s, you have American toys like He-Man, G.I. Joe, Thundercats and Transformers. All of which had awesome cartoons, all of which were amazing toys and none of which gave me night terrors that had me sitting up late at night debating whether or not to start cutting myself to make the images stop. Hell, even the same can be said for Japanese toys and tunes with American direction such as Voltron or Macross/Robotech. None of that shit ever bothered me.

It is when they are left alone to themselves that the Japanese come up with crazy shit like Monchichi. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I hate Japanese pop culture even more than our own. Now before I go on I would like to clear up that this doesn’t include all aspects of their pop culture, a ton of great movies have been remakes of low budget Jap flicks, and even a large amount of the original low budget Jap flicks kick ass. It is the other stuff though. The fact that if they hit on a good fighting game then within three days there are 9,472 sequels like with Streetfighter or Fatal Fury and you can never dream of owning them. I hate all of the shitty collectible card games that they have dumped on the world of the years. I HATE Japanese pop music, and then there is Anime.

Anime represents everything I truly hate in the world. Let me break it down for you, Anime in its purest form is simply a cartoon. I like cartoons, I figured I would try watching some Anime. The first title I ever watched was Vampire Hunter D. This was a mistake because it is the ONLY good Anime that there ever was, and to be honest, I am not sure if it even counts. The next few I watched were so god damned ridiculous I just said fuck it and never planned on seeing them again ever.

Unfortunately I went to college. I went to college at an art school. Stupid people that don’t know anything about any form of art what so ever, but go to art school so they don’t get their asses kicked just LOOOOVE anime. It surrounded me.

As I paid more attention to the people who watched it, I noticed there were many suttle levels, much the same as in the goth culture. I will now explain them as best I can.

The Anime Nerd: The Anime Nerd is the kid who knows all the names of all the characters in all anime movies ever. Beyond that he knows all of the directors, animators and composers’ names. He collects anime soundtracks to listen too on his original Discman with the head set that has been broken and taped. All of his clothing features pictures from really obscure animes that sometimes lesser fans won’t even know. He can talk for hours about the different animation styles and he even laughs at the shitty jokes no one else even realizes are supposed to be jokes. He also can’t wait for halloween so that he can wear some of the hand made outfits he fabricated that resemble his favorite characters.

The Fat Anime Nerd: See the Anime Nerd, and 150 pounds and a strange smell.

The Anime Perv: These guys are far worse than the Anime Nerd, or even the vile Fat Anime Nerd. What makes these guys so bad you ask? It is because they collect and watch almost as many of these shitty movies as the AN or FAN, but don’t care at all about the movie itself. They are only watching it to jerk off to the fucked up, twisted, hard core sick shit that only the Japanese could draw. The woman with HUGE tits, no waist, big hips and round ass getting triple penetrated in every hole by an alien or a demon with 12 cocks. Anime porn is just weird. I mean I get off on some pretty sick shit…when you have been a chronic masturbator as long as I have you tend to seek out the gross and hard core, but cartoons doing it? Come the fuck on. This is the shit watched by the people that haven’t been laid in a REALLY long time if ever. Sometimes the Anime Perv masquerades as the Fat Anime Nerd

The Purist: This guy is a lot like the Anime Nerd, but he ONLY watches stuff that wasn’t dubbed into English. Sometimes subtitles are acceptable, but not often. Otherwise it might prove that he doesn’t actually know how to speak Japanese, his I.Q. is less than that of a discarded pubic hair and he has no idea what the hell he is even looking at. If you really want to set on of these fuckers off, tell them that Akira was so much better in English, or that the new Justice League cartoons are some of the best anime you’ve ever seen. If you really want to make his head explode burn a Pokemon card in front of him, light your cigarette off of it and tell him Dragon Ball Z is for fags.

The Ugly Anime Chick: This is the girl that hangs around with all the Anime guys. She usually starts into Anime on Hello Kitty because she thinks it is cute, but then she takes it way to far. Possibly getting Hello Kitty tattoos. She would be kind of hot, but she probably has these weird facial ticks, and she is a borderline sociopath. If not then she is usually fat with hair cut just to her chin and she won’t shut up about all the shitty anime on Adult Swim. In most cases, The Ugly Anime Chick spent some time as the Goth Whore or the Fat Goth Whore.

The “I Wish I Were Japanese” Kid: These are the kids that are just losers. The are like wiggers only Wapanese. If there is something that is related to Japanese pop culture, they either own it, want it, or have ordered it on the internet. If you have to share an apartment with one at anytime be prepared for GIANT anime posters on the wall, nothing but Japanese soda in the refrigerator, bamboo mats on the floor, a shitty Target zen garden and non stop techno music.

The Anime Fad Zombie: This is the guy that only likes Anime because he thinks it is cool or edgy. Generally he is into anything that has “kick ass martial arts”, or that talks about computers ruling the future. He is the dufus that wears the trench coat year round, has “Matrix Boots” and usually makes his D&D character a “Hacker”. The only other reason he is in to Anime is because the Andromeda nerds beat him up.

More on this later.

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