Darkness falls so do his pants. The midnight hour he needs a man. Guys crawl into his bed. To pleasurorize him and give head. And whosoever shall be found. Without the soul for going down. Must kneel and face the balls that smell. And suck and blow and make it swell. Then techno beats fill the air. The funk of forty thousand years. And well dressed ghouls from every tomb. Are redecorating every room. And though you fight to stay a hetero. Your body starts to shiver. For no mere mortal can resist. The power of Gay Frankenstein.
Every year since the late 1800’s one monster has been responsible for DEFINING Halloween parties. That monster is…Gay Frankenstein. I suppose in truth there is only one Frankenstein, but since he did come out of the closet in 1921 it is just so much more fun to say Gay Frankenstein.
If you’ve never been to one of his “parties” it’s like a drag show gone horribly horribly wrong. Now, you don’t have to be gay to get invited, it really isn’t a big gay orgy, but don’t be fooled, this definitely isn’t a straight party either. Last year the entire Hey Stupid! staff was invited to his party and so of course we had to go. How often is it that a famous monster…let alone a raging gay one tosses a Halloween bash (I guess every year since the late 1800’s but you get my point) so we were on our way.
The party was held in Bran Castle and of course Count Dracula was the guest of honor. Surprisingly Dracula… not gay. I know it’s weird, any man with his hair slicked back like that and wearing that much make-up, not to mention how well dressed he is has to be gay. He just HAS to be. He wears a cape for God’s sake.
Next to the party was the Wolf-man. It was strange to see him because in human form he was a total flamer. I mean absolutely no bones about it, he was queerer than a Liza/Celine duet with Cher singing back up. Yet when the moon hit him and he became a werewolf he was all about pounding the pussy. He’d let out a howl and start chasing skirts. One of our staff members spent most of the night bullshitting with him, though I won’t reveal who or whether or not he was more interested in interviewing the man or the wolf.
The fiend without a face was next. You don’t really see this guy at many parties, so it was good to see him out. It was strange though because you would think that a guy that was a creeping crawling brain really wouldn’t need much of a costume, but he sure wouldn’t agree. His execution of a costume based on “the man with no name” was FLAWLESS. Rumor has it he even got a bit part in the upcoming “3:10 to Yuma” because of his costume. He may not have a face but he does have an eye for detail.
“It” (the one from mars, not Pennywise the stupid clown) showed up next. Things got a little weird as one could imagine since It and the Creature from the Black Lagoon were one of the first highly publicized gay monster marriages and then divorce. If those two crazy gay monster kids couldn’t make it in this world is there hope for any of us?
The Mummy came out (not like that) to this party as well. Mummy has a one of a kind sense of humor and he proved that by coming dressed as a large roll of toilet paper. What a kidder.
As the night went on, rum punch, appletinis, banana daiquiris, cherry tool boxes and sparkling strawberry miasmas were served. Champ Kennedy ended up drinking way to many cherry tool boxes before screaming “Cherries taste good, I love Tool and I chase box. Hooray cherry tool box” he then spent the next hour singing karaoke with the blob. They did a mind blowing version of “Paradise By the Dashboard Light” that caused the entire party to stand up and take notice.
Stratt and Dracula spent most of the evening talking about Bella Lugosi. Apparently the Drac isn’t a huge fan of Bella and in fact felt the only actor to portray him correctly was Leslie Nielson in “Dead and Loving It”. I have to say I was taken a little by surprise by that one.
I spent most of the night and getting smashed with a table of chicks in tattered clothing that I could only assume were Dracula’s “Brides of the Night”, but they weren’t very impressed when I asked if they were good at sucking. JaGe spent a good portion of the night trying to get the bride of Frankenstein in the sack no matter how many times we tried to explain to him that Frankenstein was gay so his bride was really a dude.
As the night went one things got weirder and weirder. Fist a male dance revue came through, then female topless dancers, then transvestite topless dancers, then something happened with bananas and Frankenstein took it as a queue to crank up the Gwen Stafani. Finally it was about 3:00 in the morning, most of the guests had either passed out or went home and Frankenstein took the mic. He thanked every one for coming then said it was time to get the hell out.