Get To Know A Goth

The Goth Leader: This is the kid that the other ones all think is really bad ass. He is the one who usually always wears a tight black shirt and bondage pants. He is the one that can always be found with black fingernail polish, carrying a copy of the satanic bible which he proudly displays for all to see and wearing a pentagram. In case you confuse him with one of the other kids; he is the one that the others say is so evil he pissed in the holy water at a church. Usually he is the one who talks about death and Satan the most but normally the only one out of the group who hasn’t tried to kill himself. I want to step on his face the least out of the entire group because while he goes around reading shitty poetry for show, usually he doesn’t write any of his own though he does do annoying things like speaking in some stupid voice which he claims is Satan or some demon speaking through him.

The Gothic Goth: This kid is like the leader’s general. He walks around usually fully dressed in a top hat, a Victorian style puffy shirt, black pleather pants, gauntlets on his arms and some huge pendant around his neck. More than likely this ass is obsessed with druids or Norse myths, or some other shit he actually knows nothing about since he has never been to Europe. He is also the fagfuck that likes to be called by some name like Azrieal Pendragon or Raven Nightwind. This is the turd burglar who never realized the game of Dungeons and Dragons he was playing with his friends ended six years ago and he is still in character. This mo can usually be found in Spencer’s buying shit that they tell him is Goth to go with all his lame ass candles which he thinks have some sort of power. The only reason, the ONLY reason I can tolerate this particular kind of Goth more than the others is because I had one as a room mate in college and he and his Victorian dressing buddies all had pretty decent comic book collections, and they really did play Dungeons and Dragons rather well.

The Goth Whore: Usually there is at least two of these in a Goth group. This is the cunt that walks around with her hair dyed 18 different shades of black. She usually listens to what ever semi underground metal/Goth/shock rock band is being promoted by Hot Topic. She is the girl who had some douche break up with her when she was 11 and she slit her wrists with aluminum foil just to get attention and she has been milking it ever since. She wears black lipstick, black eye liner, black nail polish, striped black and white nylons, huge black platform boots and usually a band t-shirt. Her entire concept of being a Goth was purchased at hot topic. I hate the Goth Whore.

The Fat Goth Whore: See Goth Whore and add fat rolls and a tendency to be a dyke at all times.

The emo Goth: This is the worst of the bunch. This is the guy that walks around with black make up on and ruffled up black hair. He constantly talks about how cruel life is and how the world is just a sick joke. All he talks about is the bliss of suicide and how he can’t wait until the night embraces him. He sits around smoking clove cigarettes and writing his shitty poetry. He usually thinks he has important things to say but normally they are just quotes from other shitty goth poetry that is not at all relevant to the situation. They like to sit around in grave yards and think about their emotions. They usually always have a video camera mommy and daddy bought them and they make dumb ass home movies that they call films. These are usually the guys dating the Fat Goth Whore. If you see one of these ass lickers do them a favor and kill them.


3 responses to “Get To Know A Goth

  1. God I fucking love this post.

  2. that’s funny. i’ve had the misfortune of getting to know all of these characters and the odd pleasure of dating a “Gothic Goth”. i broke up w/ him because i couldn’t stand how much he hated himself so i ended up hating him too.
    also hot topic didn’t do humanity any favors by showing up in the malls of america.

  3. wow you jsut made my day thaks a bunth

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