If you are about to embark on a night of Trick or Treating, don’t forget that it isn’t all about treats, it is equally about the tricks. The best part of Halloween tricks is that if done properly they cause no permanent damage and if you have properly picked your target they will get all pissed off like it is the end of the world.
Here I am going to review some classic tricks for your benefit so you can properly execute them this year.
The Mugging: This one is great if you live in an area with a bunch of little kids. Now as I said earlier, it is essentially important to select a good target. To execute any great trick you have to play on the fears of your victim. Look for a group of kids being guided by an adult. Now this can’t just be any group, look for the group with all “happy costumes” you know Power Rangers, Disney Characters, things that aren’t scary. You want to make sure the kids have reflective tape or flash lights, or some other safety device. Make sure the adult with them is a woman, a man may chase you and fuck up your day. To properly do this you need at least two other friends to help you out. Pick one of the three of you to play the victim. Have him walk around alone in front of one of these groups with his bag of candy in some lame costume. Wait until there aren’t a lot of witnesses around other than the little dumb kids. You and your other friend run up to him in nothing but masks and pretend to fuck his shit up. Fake knives and blood capsules are great for this. Make sure the “victim” is screaming and playing it up that you are hurting him, then still his candy and run away laughing. Be sure the “victim” gets out of there soon after so that if some one calls the cops or paramedics you don’t get your ass busted. Enjoy
The classic shit candle with a twist. Look, lets face it. The all time best Halloween trick ever is the flaming bag of shit on the front porch. If you live under a rock and don’t know what this is, it is when you fill a paper bag with shit and light it on fire on some one’s porch. Then you ring the door bell and run away. Hide nearby to watch the comedy ensue. Now this trick only has two downfalls. One most people know what it is and unless they are really freaked out, the won’t stomp on it, they will just kick it out of the way, two sometimes the people aren’t home and the bag just burns out with no stomping and you just left a pile of shit on the porch that really didn’t make a mess. To fix this I say add some fireworks. Lady fingers are best. Put them right in to the shit in the bag, use about 10 – 15. Then, when you light the bag and the flame gets to the wicks, it will blow the shit all over the porch. If the person comes out, they may get caught in the exploding shit shrapnel or shitnal, and if they aren’t home, shit has exploded all over the place. This one is a winner. As far as picking your target goes, usually the richest family in the neighborhood is a good target, they get super pissed. Old people are a good target too because they may still stomp out the bag and get shit all over them.
Pumpkin smashing is for sissies: Look, the Jack-o-lantern is the symbol of Halloween and should not be desecrated. I fucking hate pricks that go around and destroy a perfectly Jack. On the other hand, if your dumb ass family carves a bad Jack, it is only right to destroy it. Keeping that in mind, pick your target by looking for Jacks that have one of the following:
A smiley face
A Disney Character
A Cute Face
Something carved by a child that just looks like shit.
Now, smashing the pumpkin isn’t really that fun. You can get pumpkin innards all over you and basically it just makes the little kids cry, most adult will just not care. Instead, bring some supplies. For example bring a stick about four feet in length and impales the Jack on it. The other thing you will need to do is go to a fish market and ask for fish guts. Make the guts hang out of the pumpkin so it looks really gross. The second way is much better, but much more dangerous, you want to make sure there is plenty of moister on the ground. Impale pumpkin in the yard like before, but this time instead of fish guts, fill the inside with lighter fluid and set that fucker a blaze. The offending family will love you for making their Jack-o-lantern so much cooler.
The heart attack: If you like the idea of the mugger, but your friends are pussies and refuse to go through it with you, go out and by as many pentagrams as you can find and adorn yourself with them. Be sure to dress like a goth. Put some blood capsules in your mouth and hide behind a wall. When the group of turds walks up jump out, bight in to the blood capsules and start stabbing yourself with the fake knife. As the fake blood starts flowing scream “Satan is my master” over and over again and then just run away. Try and drip as much fake blood on the children as possible. Be sure to be near your home base so you can quickly change into a different costume incase angry parents start looking for you.
The good old fashioned Rotten Egg: This is perhaps the first Halloween trick I have ever learned. Your target should be some cheap bastard that doesn’t give out candy on Halloween. Watch for a house where you know the people are home but they don’t come to the door when kids knock for candy. Now you need to plan this in advance, buy two or three dozen eggs and let em rot. Letting them sit outside in the sun for a few days will be good. Then go on to the person’s porch and hide the eggs under a door mat. When the egg gets crushed, out comes the stink. Or if you like a more active roll, egg the shit out of the cheap bastards house. It smells disgusting, it is a huge mess, but it won’t actually do much physical damage. Try to avoid egging cars, it will ruin the paint and if your caught it may cost you.
Picnic supplies gone bad: This one is a good trick if you have four or five guys to help you. Otherwise it will be as much of a pain in the ass for you as it will be for your mark. Buy a box or two of plastic forks, you want a bunch, 200 or better, and plant them in the yard. Do it so the little spines of the forks are pointing up. When your work is done it will look quit scary. Your mark will have to spend hours taking the forks out.
Spray paint little kids: This is actually quite a good laugh. You don’t want to use actual spray paint unless you are a real dick. The point of Halloween tricks is to frighten people and piss them off. I mean it is up to you if you want to be a douche, but as a general rule I ask my self, “will this do enough damage that if I get caught I will lose money”. Any how, all you will need is that wonderful spray chalk stuff. You can get it easily enough in Wal Mart in the auto section. They sell it so you can spray stupid shit on your car like team spirit and such. Not only can you spray it on little kids and make them cry, you can spray it on cars houses and property. Use your imagination.
The Crown Jewel. If you are worth your weight in candy corn, you have t.p.ed someone’s house. You know its good because lets face it, it is easy to do, it is funny, it makes a big mess, and it is tough to clean up. But how do you improve on this classic? Combine it with another fun trick, rotten tomatoes. TP the house, the lawn, the cars, what ever, then unleash the storm of rotten tomatoes (any rotten fruit or vegetable will work, but tomatoes make a good mess)
Corning is for suckers: Everyone who visits this site has at some point gone corning a.k.a. tic tacing. The best way of course is to get a shit load of Indian corn and strip it into a sock. Make sure to have a shit load of corn. Now most people will go out tossing it at peoples houses, which can be fun at first making people come out and look around, elling and screaming like a bunch of jack asses, but lets face it, it can get boring. So when you are bored and wanna get rid of your corn, start putting it in mail boxes. Fill em up if you can.