How To: Do the Bartman

By the late 80’s Fox had started to establish itself as not only the fourth major network, but as the network for “real” Americans to watch. At the time most of the shows on other networks that portrayed American families forgot to base them on the average Americans. Then there was Married with Children which showed a lower middle class family that was barely getting by, loved each other but were rude to each other, resented everyone that had it better than they did and were out for themselves.

They hit the nail on the head. THAT, was an American family. To take it to the next level Fox green lighted a cartoon series called the Simpsons in 1987 and by 1990 a major change happened. Rather than the Simpsons being based on REAL American families, American families were based on the Simpsons.

Another trend that people seemed to love were songs that told the listeners step by step instructions of how to dance to it (just look at The Macarena, The Electric Slide, and every jackass country line dancing song). It was only natural that the Simpsons capitalize on this and in 1990 they released a song entitled “Do the Bartman” of of their album, Simpson’s Sing the Blues.

Now according to the song, to properly do the Bartman one must move your body if you’ve got the notion, front to back in a rock-like motion then do it to the music. The problem is this is all rather cryptic. How in the hell do they expect white people to dance to this? YOU HAVE TO TELL US EXACTLY WHAT TO DO!!! The chorus sheds a bit more light on things instructing us too “Shake you’re body” and “turn it out if you can, man” “front to back, on the side if you can, can” and finally it instructs “Everybody in the house do the Bartman”.

Unfortunately, while it is all very catchy it never actually instructs anyone on HOW to do the Bartman. I am now going to attempt to take it upon myself to try and help you to properly learn how to do the Bartman.

First, as the music starts you want to start with your arms out help about at hip height with your left leg out as of you are about to hokey poeky and taping your foot. Next if you’re wearing a jacket or over shirt, remove it and swing it over your left shoulder, move your right hand from right to left in a flowing motion then toss your jacket to the side. This will properly prepare you to do the Bartman.

From there, the easiest way I can describe the actual dance is “air humping”. Essentially it is a series of pelvic thrusts. First, lean forward so your chin is extended past your toes and you’re facing off to the left. Thrust four times in rhythm to the music. Next while still facing to the left stick your pelvis out and thrust four more times. Repeat steps one and two to the right and take four steps forward, kicking out your legs as you walk for dramatic effect. Repeat the thrust pattern, take four steps back and start the entire process over again.

Essentially as near as I can tell those are the technical steps to “The Bartman”, but as with any dance it isn’t just how you move your body, but how you handle yourself and the attitude you possess. Think about it, would your drunken uncle be as big of a hit at your sister’s wedding if when he did The Macarena didn’t think he was the sexiest man alvie since John Travolta donned the white suit? No, he wouldn’t, he would just be another fat, uncoordinated white guy trying to do a “dance” he shouldn’t be attempting. So what is the proper attitude for doing the “Bartman”?

Well the answer lies within the lyrics themselves. While you may not have a rep for bein rude, we can certainly help you make people think you made delinquency an art. Essentially, the goal is to be bad. Bad…like Michael Jackson. You should try and plan ahead to be most effective because this is going to take time. I mean sure, you could just pretend to be bad like Michael Jackson, but then you’d just be a poser and no one likes that…do they Bam Margera?

To begin, drop some banana peels all over the floor and put some mothballs in some one’s diner, beef stew works best for badassness. Next, you want to be sure to swear at times when it isn’t really needed, just to prove that you can. Don’t go so far as the shits and the fucks as this would be over kill and Michael Jackson would never say those kinds of things, stick to the damns and the hells.

Next, sit by yourself for a while and sing a song. If there is music, listen to the kick drum kickn’ along. After that you want to remember that even though there are other forms of music out there you have to KNOW you’re bad because you can do the Bartman. I mean you have to own it. Without Question. In case you’re having trouble following along we are talking about rebellion, anarchy and chaos. THAT is the attitude you need to have if you’re ever go to be bad like Michael Jackson and therefore properly do the Bartman.

Be sure to join us again when we discuss what to do if you’re in Deep Deep Trouble.

One response to “How To: Do the Bartman

  1. This is the greatest thing i have ever read.

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