I would like to start a new bit called “Oh how right I am.” This year I have called more major occurrences than I have in any year previous. At this rate I will take down Nostradamus’ record before Christmas and hell he didn’t do anything but write down some lies that dumb asses over analyze.
So far this year has been great. First up I celebrated my first wedding anniversary, then my daughter was born, then the impossible happened and NBC announced the return of American Gladiators, then the stars aligned and they said it would be hosted by Hulk Hogan , and now… something I called back on April 3rd has come to pass. Stephen Colbert has announced he is running for president.
Last night (October 16th) Colbert showed up on The Daily show to announce that he was considering announcing that he was running for president. Then, just about 15 minutes into the Colbert Report he announced “I’m doing it.” After my heart exploded and I passed out, I pulled myself together and started thinking about how great this is going to be. While he said he was running as a favorite son, and only in the state of South Carolina, the truth is, if he really wants to make a run for “the big show” I believe he could not only win it, but win it in one of the biggest landslides in history.
Now, I know what your thinking, perhaps my “WRISTSTRONG” bracelet is a little too tight and that America would never go for a comedian, especially not one who is the son of a poor West Virginia turd miner or the grandson of a goat ball licker, but you’d be thinking wrong.
The current political landscape is so twisted that the only way I can think to some it up is anus destroying exploding diarrhea. Now whether you’re a Republican, a Democrat, an Independent, or do like I do and toss a can of baked beans at some one’s head, use their voter registration card to sneak into the polling place, close your eyes and just randomly select things (I’m looking at you state of Florida), there are a couple of things you have to admit. First, the Republicans are already pretty much out of this thing. Now I know there will always be rich white men and Fox News to tell you otherwise, but just admit it, they’ve dropped the ball. Second, Bush’s administration combined with the fact that the Republican front runners haven’t even bothered to show up at the bulk of the debates has opened the door wide for the Democrats.
On the other side of the coin, the Democrats have proven just how confident they are by fielding not only a black man and a woman as their two top candidates, but a black man (Hlafro-American to be fair) who was “linked” to a Muslim and a woman who is married to Bill Clinton. Right out of the gate the Democrats have said “we can put any one we want in there, hell, Walt Flanagan’s Dog has a better chance than any one on the Republican ticket”. I mean they never really said that, but they could have.
In all honesty I don’t particularly lead one way or the other, unlike the majority of people who actually vote, I try and actually learn what the candidates of a particular race are actually about, then I vote for the best person for the job. In this particular race however, I had pretty much already narrowed my scope to Clinton and Obama and possibly Mike Huckabee and Dennis Kucinich (his control of the pocket dimension is uncanny). Then, along comes Colbert.
My wife and I had discussed this possibility back in April when I wrote the original article, and we had arrived at the fact that if he did run, no matter how badly we wanted to see him win, he would be viewed in a “Man of the Year” sense, but I don’t think that’s going to be the case any more. The fact that Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama are the Democratic front runners has proven that the American people are ready for a change. A real change. For far too long there has been no real difference in any candidate, at least not one that matters, because they spend so much time trying to appeal to the people in the middle that it becomes a blur. If you ban a candidate from saying anything about abortion, religion, or gun control you probably wouldn’t be able to tell what party they represent. We are the “richest” nation on earth, yet most people can only barely afford to pay their bills and are in debt up to their eyeballs. They are over worked, undersexed, over stressed and over taxed, the kids are fat, stupid, lazy and underachievers and no one seems to give a damn. These are the things that don’t change, because the government has given up what it was fundamentally create to do…govern the people.
All we have had in office for the last few decades have been people that only care about sitting in the chair. The system is broken and the people that haven’t rotted their brains out watching “The Hills” or wondering whether if Brittany was going to get her kids back actually do want a change. What all of this brings me too is, sure, maybe his bid is a joke or a publicity stunt, but I think that not only will Stephen Colbert win the South Carolina primary, but that he will win it by enough to launch him to the front of the political field. The fact that he points out the obvious flaws in the system “in his own humorous way” and actually relates to the American people are his biggest strengths. Look at the fact that he is a recipient of three Emmy Awards as a writer for The Daily Show in 2004, 2005, and 2006, was nominated for three Emmys for The Colbert Report in 2006, nominated for a Satellite award, nominated by the Television Critics Association for a TCA Award, received two Peabody Awards for his work on The Daily Show, the American Dialect Society named truthiness,as its 2005 Word of the Year, Merriam-Webster announced that it selected truthiness as its Word of the Year for 2006, Colbert received an honorary Doctorate of Fine Arts degree from Knox College, Time named Stephen Colbert as one of the 100 most influential people in 2006, New York magazine listed Colbert (as one of its top dozen influential persons in media, Colbert was named “Person of the Year” by the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival, given the Speaker of the Year Award by The Cross Examination Debate Association (CEDA), named “2nd Sexiest TV News Anchor” by Maxim Online, he was named a “sexy surprise” by People in the Sexiest Man Alive honors, named one of GQ’s “Men of the Year”, he has his own ice cream flavor, “AmeriCone Dream,” after the Saginaw Spirit defeated the Oshawa Generals in Ontario Junior League Hockey, Oshawa Mayor John Gray declared March 20, 2007 (the mayor’s own birthday) “Stephen Colbert Day, was honored for the “Gutsiest Move” on the Spike TV Guys’ Choice Awards on June 13, 2007, Virgin America announced that one of their airplanes is named Air Colbert and he should have had the The Megyeri Bridge in Budapest named after him. He has an effect on society because society truly loves him.
Sure, he may not be politically trained, but who cares? I’m sure he would have a strong staff of advisers, take into account what is best for the American people and lead us back to our “greatest nation in the world” status.