The EXPLODER!: Out of Luck.

HS:In a recent press conference E-Rokk has officially announced that he has just wrapped on a new EXPLODER! movie.

E-Rokk: As all of you know the last exploder movie to see national theatrical release was THE EXPLODER! Rides Again. It was a tale set in the old west full of twists and turns. Of course just after the movie finished its run we went back to work on our straight to dvd series. We continued to explore the story of Dalton Hawk in the old west. Since we made 13 installments of that series and only sold a combined total of 22 units it is safe to say none of you have ever watched it. Well, the series follows Dalton as he falls in love, gets married, has a son named Griffin Hawk and becomes a famous gunfighter.

Then in the last episode of the series Dalton and Griffin are caught in yet another time vortex. Just after that Championship Productions was completely broke.

I wanted to make sure that this film was giant in scope and I really didn’t think it was that important to pay a proper tribute to the long standing history of the EXPLODER! as long as a few random jokes were made concerning his past that wouldn’t really take any thought to understand. So who better to direct than Michael Bay. Though it was hard to keep him from making all of the characters look like giant insects for no reason at all, or cover the exploder in blue flames, I think he truly captured my vision.

I wanted to make this film accessible to everyone and basically give a big “fuck you” to the hard core fans who have followed it from the beginning, much the way Lucas did with Episodes 1-3 or the way Bay did with Transformers or the same way every comic book movie since Spider Man has done.

I suppose the first big announcement is that Paul Walker will not be returning to the role of Dalton Hawk. Not because he turned it down, God knows he didn’t have anything else going on, but because as I mentioned I hope to reinvent The EXPLODER! in this film. This time around Dalton is a father, a husband and a battle hardened veteran. We have decided that Keanu Reeves will be helming the part. He will be in makeup since Dalton is supposed to be in his late 40’s in this film but his style of “acting” is what we really needed in this project. Basically some one who didn’t talk so much.

Playing the role of Griffin Hawk will be Jake Lloyd and he was more than happy to do it since no one has tossed him a bone more than twice for something non star wars related. His career was actually further down the toilet than Mark Hamill’s if you can believe that.

To stand in the shoes of Dalton’s wife Babe Hawk we had to turn to Naomi Watts.

Bay: She’s amazing!

E-Rokk: What ever. Some of the other actors in the film will be Randy Jackson playing the role of T-Bo and as a fitting tribute to Keanu we got Alex Winter to play the role of Lucky Rodgers, or villain.

HS: I’m sure after reading that you are all probably busting at the seams with excitement to know what the movie is about. Well believe me, we are just as excited to tell you.

explode6.png

Well as any true fan of the series knows at the end of the last straight to dvd EXPLODER Dalton and his family are in their bullet proof metal carriage when it is struck by lightning and they disappear. Apparently they were sent through time to the year 1993 and plopped down dead center on the Vegas strip. The first thing Dalton did was get a ride to his cave in Hell’s Point to check on his gold reserve only to find that it had been looted. To make ends meet Dalton became a cop and Babe began working at a casino.

Dalton got a reputation as a good detective with a bad temper and was teamed up with the more level headed T-Bo Johnson (Jackson)

The film begins with Dalton and T-Bo on a steak out out side of a ritzy house in a lime green ’71 426 Hemi Cuda.
T-Bo: You really think we ought to be doin this dog? The captain said he didn’t want us involved.

Dalton: Look, the captain doesn’t know what we know. If we are going to bring down the empire of Lucky Rodgers (Winter), we need to be here tonight when his coke shipment comes in.

T-Bo: Yeah man, I just hope you know what you’re gettin us into.

Just then a box truck comes around the corner, stops at the gate and then pulls up to the house.

Dalton: Time to roll partner

T-Bo: This dog’s already barkin dog!

The music starts to get pumping and for some reason when they hop out of the car there is smoke/fog everywhere. They climb the wall surrounding Lucky’s property and spy in through the window with binoculars. There is a gratuitous amount of women lounging around in the nude and the camera is shaky and has the “bino cutout” on it to indicate you are looking through the binoculars. Suddenly it stops and he spots Lucky.

Keanu…er a I mean Dalton does some hand signals to T-Bo and T-Bo instantly understands and with the way the music is pumping…so do you (understand that is. If you’re “pumping” stop, this isn’t that kind of movie).

Dalton and T-Bo jump down off the wall and there are dogs every where. T-Bo is punching them and Dalton is kicking them. It is like an orgy except the women are replaced with German Shepards and the sex is replaced with fighting.

They make it through the dogs and get to a window.

T-Bo: Alright I will set up surveillance. I’ll get some mics on the window and set up a camera and…

Dalton: No time.

Dalton takes a running start and crashes right through the window.

Dalton: You’re all under arrest!!!

T-Bo comes in just behind him.

Lucky: Ah Dalton Hawk and T-Bo I thought you were thrown off my case? And just what are you arresting me for? Powdered sugar?

Dalton: What?

Lucky: Oh yes, I knew you jackasses were itching to get your grubby little hands on me, so I organized this little reverse sting. I got you the tip that this was going down tonight and all I have here is powdered sugar. Now I can sue the department for harassment and have you and your worthless sidekick suspended. Joey, call the police, inform them of our situation. You can’t beat me Dalton…I’m like a wild stallion!!!

The scene cuts to the captain screaming at Dalton and T-Bo in the normal police buddy movie style. After the vain on his head just about explodes he informs them that they are both suspended with out pay and if they bother Lucky Rodgers again they will be fired and arrested.

The scene cuts again to the two walking out of the station…ha ha ha…STATION!

Dalton: I’m sorry T-Bo

T-Bo: That’s alright bro, if i didn’t believe in ya I would have stopped ya dog.

Dalton: So what are you going to do with your free time?

T-Bo: I am gonna go home and relax in my pool with my kids. You?

Dalton: Well, I’m gonna go home, have some sex.

T-Bo: Dalton, you’re gonna go home and puke.

Dalton: Well that’ll be fun too

Dalton: Wait did I just steal Jeff’s line?

T-Bo: Wrong movie dog.

Dalton is driving his Cuda across a six lane bridge. Never mind that there is no other traffic on it in the middle of the day, or that there probably isn’t a six lane bridge in the middle of downtown Las Vegas with a river under it. All of the sudden “Bad to the Bone” starts cranking up in the background and a primer black 76 Chevelle SS speeds up behind him and rides his ass. The Chevelle starts honking and Dalton puts his and out the window and flips him off. The Chevelle pulls up beside him and the driver smiles before pulling up a pistol and shooting Dalton. The bullet hits him in the shoulder. Dalton reaches for his gun but since he is suspended he had to turn it in and finds nothing.

The Chevelle driver shoots out the tire and since they are at such high speeds the Cuda flips over (never mind the hydraulic actuator just at the bottom of the shot that actually flipped the car) which totals the Cuda (making me die a little inside).

The Chevelle stops and a guy dressed like Johnny Cash (played by Will Patton) gets out and the camera zooms in on the tip of his boot as he drops a cigarette and crushes it out. The camera pans back to Dalton who is crawling out of the wreckage broken and bruised.

Deathman: Hey friend, looks like you’re having some car trouble.

Dalton: Whoa

Deathman:I imagine that right now, you’re feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?

Dalton: You could say that!

Deathman: Fallen, fallen, is Babylon the great. It has become a dwelling place of demons.” Revelation 18. Wouldn’t hurt you to look it over.

Dalton: Couldn’t forget it if I tried.

Deathman: Maybe it’s not just about you any more.

Dalton: Listen. You listen to me. You see that city over there? THAT’S where I’m supposed to be. Not down here with the dogs, and the garbage, and the fucking last month’s newspapers blowing *back* and *forth*. I’ve had it with them, I’ve had it with you, I’ve had it with ALL THIS

Deathman: If I had a normal family, and a good upbringing, then I would have been a well-adjusted person.

Dalton: Depends on what you call normal.

Deathman: Alright, enough of all this

Dalton: Whoa

Deathman: Lucky has already kidnapped your family

Dalton: Whoa

Deathman: Yeah and I am here to kill you.

Dalton: Whoa

Deathman: Yeah. So any last words before I kill you?

Dalton: Whoa

Deathman: Stop saying whoa!

Dalton: Whoa

Deathman: That’s it.

Dalton: Whoa

Then the camera zooms out and shows Deathman from a high far off angle shooting Dalton in the face.

Four Years Later.

Inside a seedy strip club we see Babe Hawk naked and shaking it to “Shook me all night long” Babe walks off stage to the back of the club.

Lucky: You need to smile more sweetie, look like you’re having a good time.

Babe: I have been striping here for the last four years, degrading myself to protect my son, I’m not exactly happy.

Lucky: Well you better get happy if you want to keep protecting your son.

Lucky licks her neck and slaps her ass and walks off.

The scene changes to the inside of a small apartment the camera is focused on the door and the phone is ringing. The door opens and Babe walks in and answers the phone.

Babe: Hello?

Griffin: Hi mom.

Babe: Hey sweet heart. Is everything o.k.?

Griffin: Everything is fine mom.

Babe: How is school going?

Griffin: Well, that’s what I called to talk to you about.

Babe: What is it?

Griffin: I got kicked out for fighting. I wanna come home and stay with you.

Babe: You just graduated high school and you have only been in college for three weeks. How did this happen? No, you can’t come home. I sent you to Minnesota to get away from this place. March right back into the dean’s office and ask for a second chance.

Griffin: I’m just not Feeling Minnesota besides, I’m…right outside.

The door opens and Griffin is standing there holding a suit case.

Griffin and his mom hug and she sits down on the couch and starts crying.

Griffin: What’s the matter mom? I’m sorry! I thought you would want to see me.

Babe: I do want too. I am so happy you’ve come back to me, but it isn’t safe here. We need to go. We need to get far away from here.

Griffin: What’s the matter mom, are you in some kind of trouble?

Babe: Oh honey, I should have told you four years ago when your father died. He wasn’t killed in a car crash, he was murdered. He was killed because he was a cop and he was trying to bring a man named Lucky Rodgers to justice.

Griffin: What?

Babe: Yes. And I’m not a waitress either. I never was. Lucky came here just after your father died. He threatened to kill you next unless I went to work in his strip club. He used you in his sick game as a pawn.

Griffin: This can’t be. Why didn’t you tell me?

Babe: You were too young. None of that matters now though. Once Lucky finds out you’re back in town he will come here to take you away. He will use you to get what he wants from me for the rest of my life.

Griffin: So where should we go?

Babe: It doesn’t matter, we just need to run. Here. Take this key, go upstairs and go into the trunk at the bottom of my bed. Under the clothes in the trunk you will find all of your father’s weapons. Get them and and grab what ever else you need. I am going to get the money I have been stashing away and we will just drive out of here.

Griffin: Alright mom.

Griffin runs upstairs and opens the trunk. He loads all of the weapons into a back pack and finds a small metal lock box and tosses it in as well.

Cut to downstairs.

Lucky and his henchmen including Deathman enter the apartment.

Lucky: Hey Babe. I heard a little rumor toady. I heard that Griffin was back in town.

Babe: What? Why would he be here. He is in school in Minnesota!

Lucky: Now you know I wouldn’t let him go off to school with out keeping an eye on him there, and a little birdie flew all the way here from Minnesota today and whispered in my ear that he was thrown out of school and he came back here. Now where is he?

Babe: I swear, I don’t know. He sure as hell isn’t here. He probably was afraid to come home and tell me he got kicked out of school right away. He is probably out with his friends trying to build up some courage.

Lucky: You better hope so, because if you’re lying to me…well…I would hate to bash that pretty little skull in.

Back upstairs Griffin overheard everything and decided to escape out the window. He could always meet back up with his mom but he didn’t want to see her get hurt.

One of Lucky’s henchmen makes his way upstairs but doesn’t find anything. He comes back down stairs and informs Lucky. They grab up babe and drive away. Griffin hides until they leave then runs off down the street.

Later Griffin is hiding under a bridge where he opens the small lock box. He finds a picture of his dad and another guy. He turns it over and it says “Dalton and T-Bo ’93”. As he continues digging we see him pull out his dad’s badge and a card with T-Bo’s name and address on it.

In the next scene Griffin is knocking on a door and a young girl opens it.

Griffin: Hello, is your daddy home?

Girl: (yells) Daddy!?!?!

Man comes to door.

Griffin: Hello, My name is Griffin…

Man: We aren’t interested, thanks.

Griffin:No, I am not selling anything. I’m here looking for a man named T-Bo, he used to work with my dad.

Man: Oh. Sorry. We bought this house about a year ago.

Griffin: Well, thanks anyway.

The next scene shows Griffin walking into the police station. He walks into the captain’s office but is a different captain then before.

Captain: Can I help you?

Griffin: I’m here looking for some one who used to be and may still be a detective here. He goes by T-Bo. My name is…

Captain: I know who you are. You’re Griffin Hawk.

Griffin: How do you know that?

Captain T-Bo: Because the man you’re looking for is me, and the only person to ever call me T-Bo was your father. I figured you’d come around someday, I just didn’t figure it would be today. It was a tragedy what happened to your dad.

Griffin: Yeah, and I know it wasn’t a car wreck.

T-Bo: I understand you’re upset son, but don’t go doing anything crazy in my prescient.

Griffin: I know Lucky Rodgers had my father killed. I know you were his partner, and now Lucky has my mom. Why didn’t you ever do anything about it? Why didn’t you ever bring him in.

T-Bo: Lucky Rodgers is untouchable. He owns half the guys on this force including my bosses. If I went after him it would be the end for me or worse for my family.

Griffin: I guess that means he owns you too. You might not be on the take, but if you fear him so much…he owns you.

T-Bo: That’s just about enough kid. You have your dad’s temper. I just hope you have better control over it. Otherwise you’re gonna end up in here, or worse yet dead.

Griffin: You’re right about my temper, and let me tell you, Lucky Rodgers is OUT OF LUCK. He killed my father. He kidnapped my mother. He stepped outta line and now…his ASS is mine!

T-Bo: I’m sorry you feel that way kid.

With that two uniformed officers enter the room and take Griffin into custody.

A few hours go by and Griffin is in his cell. T-Bo walks up.

Griffin: Let me guess, Lucky has you so far in his pocket you decided to hold me here until you could hand me over to him?

T-Bo: Look kid, I get it. You’re pissed off and rightly so. However, tossing you in a cell was the only way I could keep you safe. Lucky already knows you’re here and he wants to see you. More than likely if he knows you know the truth about your dad he’ll want to kill you. By tossing you in a cell by yourself it kept you in a station where I could keep an eye on you and it kept you safe.

Griffin: What makes you think when you go home tonight one of your other officers won’t off me…unless that’s the plan.

T-Bo: Hey dog, I was never on the take, your dad was my partner and my best friend. The truth is I thought about what you said and you’re right. My fear let Lucky own me. I’m not afraid anymore. I want Lucky’s ass nailed to the wall.

Griffin: So what are we going to do?

T-Bo: We aren’t going to do anything. I am going to take you back to my house where my two sons can keep an eye on you and I am going to get some of my good cops together and go over and arrest Lucky for kidnapping your mom.

T-Bo lets Griffin out of his cell and hands him his back pack. They get into T-Bo’s car and drive to his house.When they get there T-Bo walks to the garage.

T-Bo: Griffin, come here. I got something for ya. Your dad wanted you to have this.

T-Bo turns on the lights in the garage and there sits the lime green ’71 426 Hemi Cuda fully restored.

Griffin: Dad’s…that’s dad’s car…but how? It was totaled.

T-Bo: I have spent the last four years restoring it. Your dad loved that car. I figured if I could keep it alive I could keep part of your dad alive.

Griffin: You’re a good man T-Bo. No wonder you were dad’s best friend.

T-Bo: Now promise me you’ll stay here where it’s safe. We’ll get Lucky Rodgers and once we have him we’ll reopen the investigation of your father’s murder.

Griffin: You have my word.

The scene ends and T-Bo and about 10 other cops are gathered outside Lucky’s gate. The gate is broken down and the cops drive up to the door. Inside there is a scene of one of the security guards telling Lucky the cops have breached the gate. Armed guards run outside and there is a firefight with the cops. All of the cops but T-Bo are killed. T-Bo narrowly escapes and makes it back home after being shot in the shoulder.

Meanwhile Lucky takes Babe in his helicopter to the casino he owns. The place is like a fortress and he locks her in the penthouse suite.

Lucky: If those boys want to save you they are gonna have to rescue you from the tower.

Babe: My son will come for me and he won’t stop until you’re dead.

Lucky: You’re son is a bigger pussy than his old man.

Babe: You’re a monster

Lucky: You are most worthy of your reputation- plus you have an excellently huge Martian butt!

Babe: What?

Lucky: Never mind. If your son sets foot in this place I will start by taking him in the back and working him over with a few hammers. Then I’ll start cutting off fingers and toes. Then just before I crush his head like a melon in a vice I’ll force him to watch me have my way with you.

T-Bo gets in the house and falls against the wall. Griffin and T-Bo’s boys are playing poker and the jump up to help him. He explained what happened. T-Bo tells his boys to get there mother and drive all night to their aunt’s house in L.A. then he bandages his shoulder and drinks some whiskey. He and Griffin walk downstairs after the boys leave where T-bo shows him a room filled with guns, ammo, heavy artillery and various instruments of pain and death.

There is a montage set to Pantera’s “Walk” of them loading all of the weapons, putting them in the trunk of the Cuda, getting dressed in all black, and Griffin strapping on his fathers weapons. Then the garage door opens. The inside of the garage is “pure” black until the headlights light up and the car rockets out of the garage with smoke pouring from the tires. The tires squeal on the pavement as Griffin and T-Bo turn the corner and head off to the casino.

In true bad ass Mike Bay style the next shot is inside the casino facing back toward the entrance. The Cuda comes crashing through the wall (and almost transforms into an X-Wing for no reason at all like Megatron who should have transformed into a god damned gun you jackass) and Griffin and T-Bo jump out.

Casino patrons are running around like idiots trying to get out and some of Lucky’s men start shooting at Griffin and T-Bo. There is a full on highly intense action sequence with a lot of bullet time and over the top special effects and of course music is cranked so loud theater goers will actually have blood shooting out of their ears.

There is a shot where the camera is directly behind the head of one of the henchmen and all you see is his hair. Next thing you know the back of the head explodes and a bullet whizzes past the camera. The camera zooms through the giant hole in the head and focuses on Griffin stand there pointing the gun back at the camera and then the body falls away.

For the next 15 minutes or so there is a series of fire fights, explosions, karate fights and loud music. As the smoke clears we see the casino is in ruins. There are dead bad guys everywhere and there is a slot machine with coins pouring out of it into a pile on one of the dead guys.

Griffin and T-Bo are leaning with their backs to an over turned table reloading there weapons. Just then an elevator dings and the door opens. The camera zooms in and its Deathman.

Deathman opens his long black trenchcoat and reveals that he too is covered in weapons. Like rambo, only with a shirt on and better English.

Deathman: So, little EXPLODER! Jr. is here huh? Well that’s only fitting. I was the one who popped your dear old dad, it is only right I should kill you too.

Griffin: (whispering to T-Bo) Look T-Bo, there is no point in both of us fighting him. You try and sneak out of here and find my mom. I’ll distract him and draw his fire.

T-Bo: Good luck kid.

Griffin: I don’t need luck…I need Lucky dead!!!

T-Bo: Your father would be proud…EXPLODER!

Griffin stands up and he and Deathman begin fighting. The both fire all of their guns out of ammo nearly killing each other quite a few times. There are a bunch more over the top special effects. The start throwing knives at one another. There are no direct hits but one does slice Griffin’s face. Eventually Griffin and Deathman are both taking cover, Griffin behind a row of slot machines and Deathman behind a bar.

Deathman: You know you’re going to die here tonight. You are out of knives and all of your guns are lying all over the place. Even if you did have more ammo you can’t reach any guns to load. I on the other hand am reloading my pistol right now. I am going to simply stand up, walk over to you and shoot you in the face…just like i did with your dad.

Griffin: Come and get me.

Deathman stands up but to his surprise while he was talking Griffin snuck over to the bar and climbed on top of it. As he pulls up his gun Griffin jumps at him and rips out his throat with his bare hands.

After that Griffin makes it upstairs. As he gets to the penthouse he arrives just in time to see T-Bo on his knees and Lucky shooting him in the head.

Griffin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Griffin now has Deathman’s pistol and he fires at Lucky. He empties the clip but missed with every shot.

Lucky: I guess you see why they call me Lucky. I gotta give it to ya kid, you made it a lot further than I thought you would, but it ends now.

Griffin: You’re right. It ends with me killing you!

Lucky: Sorry kid, that just isn’t in the cards. You’ve been dealt a bad hand. You gotta know when to fold em. Gotta know when to walk away and know when to run. You should run.

Griffin is just out side of the penthouse door which is wide open. Inside the penthouse Lucky has grabbed babe and has his gun to her head. He is signaling to his last guard to hide against the wall then spring into the hall and shoot Griffin. In the hall however Griffin has grabbed the fire extinguisher off the wall and as the guard comes around the corner he smashes him in the face and grabs his gun.

Griffin: Guess that fire’s out.

Lucky: Bravo kid, but you still lose. You can’t beat the house.

Lucky pulls the trigger to kill Babe but the gun just clicks. Babe elbows him in the gut and ducks out of the way. Griffin pulls up his pistol.

Griffin: Games up lucky. I got 21 and I am calling you.

Lucky: Kid I am worth more money than you can ever imagine. I’m sure we can work something out.

Griffin: I’m not worried about breaking the bank. I just wanna break even. (Jesus are there enough bad gambling references in this yet? No? O.k. Micheal Bay says no)

Lucky: Look kid, I am gonna bet your gun’s empty, otherwise I’d already be dead. Congratulate yourself, you got to me. That’s more than anyone else has ever done. Take your mom, take the money and let me go. I’ll FOLD and disappear. I am SHOWING MY HAND here. I am TOSSING MY DICE with you and everything is coming up CRAPS.

Griffin pulls the trigger to his gun but nothing happens. Lucky falls to his knees and kneels with his forehead on the ground. What he is blocking from Griffin’s view is that he is reaching for his knife inside his jacket.

Griffin reaches over and grabs something from beside the fire place and hides it behind his back. He walks over to Lucky. Just as he gets there Lucky stands up and comes at him with the knife. Griffin swings what was behind his back at full force and drives it into Lucky’s face.

Lucky is laying on the floor with blood running down his cheeks.

Griffin: That is one hell of a POKER face! (Get it? It was a fire poker. Now listen up Bay that’s the last fucking pun I am making!!!)

As Griffin turns to his mother Lucky stands back up with the poker still in his face and swings his knife wildly at Griffin. Griffin ducks out of the way, spins, grabs Lucky and throws him out the window. The camera watches his body fall 45 stories to the pavement below.

Babe: I guess he made a BLIND BET and found the ODDS weren’t in favor of the HIGH ROLLER and he got FLOPped out. (god damnit)

Griffin: Lucky’s streak is finally over. Let’s go home.

As the credits are rolling you see Griffin and Babe talking about something, then they hug and Griffin walks out side and gets on his new motorcycle and rides off. The screen fades to black and the credits finish rolling. Just before the movie “ends” the black fades back to a shot of Griffin on his bike from behind and he is passing a sign that says “Welcome to the Blue Ridge Mountains” then back to black.

Dalton Hawk: The EXPLODER!
The EXPLODER! 2:Hawks Eye
The EXPLODER! 3:Family Tradition
The EXPLODER! 4:Final-Countdown

The EXPLODER! Rides Again

One response to “The EXPLODER!: Out of Luck.

  1. Pingback: A Keanu Reeves Christmas: Ho Ho Woah! | Hey Stupid!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s