All year long I think about how much I love Christmas. I enjoying spending time with my friends and family, I like decorating the house and the smell of cookies, and I love the fact that Christmas parties mean free booze. Then Thanksgiving rolls around every year and I remember that aside from all of the above points, there is A LOT that pisses me off about the holiday season.
You might think that is a terrible thing to say, but think about. Really dig down and think about it. If you are over the age of 23, out of college and have been living on your own for a while you know exactly what I am talking about. If you come from a larfe family its even worse. “The Holidays” are the most stressful time of yea what with having to travel, pretending you like people, putting up with all of the stupid season’s greetings bullshit and then of course dealing with being depressed because you got your hopes that this was finally going to be the year that Christmas met your expectations.
Let me keep this simple. If you don’t want me to flip out like Billy Goldberg in his critically acclaimed masterpiece Santa’s Slay then just follow the rules.
1.) Just because Halloween is on the 31st October doesn’t mean that store have to start cramming Christmas shit down my throat November 1st. I get it, people are fucking nuts but for Christ’s sake, I tried to buy a pumpkin the day after Halloween because I wanted to make a pie and carve one with my little girl and when I asked the stock girl at WalMart her exactly reply was “Halloween is over. We have some gourds left though”. Now that she’s dead I feel a lot better, but I think I was well within my rights to kill her.
2.) Don’t ever say “Happy Turkey Day” to me. It is fucking Thanksgiving you jackass. Yes, in reality I will wake up after a long night of drinking my ass off (since the night before Thanksgiving is the best night of the year to drink) watch the parade and then eat Turkey, stuffing a potatoes in my underwear until I need to go have my stomach pumped, but who the fuck are you to change the name of the holiday. It isn’t cute, it isn’t funny and you’re a fucking idiot for saying it. It would be like me coming up to you on Independence day and saying “Happy shove that M-80 up your ass and blow off your balls day”. If you plan on saying this to me just know that I plan on fashioning a prison style shiv out of a turkey leg and I will shank you in the fucking eye, then I will squat over your corpse and shit in your mouth while breaking the wish bone.
3.) Stop asking me what I want for Christmas. I’m fucking serious. If you have to ask me then you don’t know me well enough to be buying me a present anyway and if you do buy me a present because you do just barely know me and you’re “that guy’ then it isn’t like you are really planning on spending more than $10 on it to begin with, and there sure as shit isn’t anything on my list that can be bought for $10, unless your sister’s cheap. Beyond that, if you do buy me something keep in mind that more than likely you aren’t going to be receiving anything from me because as I said if you have to ask me what I wan, you don’t know me that well and it is a big enough pain in the ass for me to remember to buy presents for people I actually know.
4.) Keep your “Black Friday” plans to yourself. No one, ESPECIALLY not me, gives a good God damn about how insanely early you are going to wake up the day after Thanksgiving to go shopping. I will admit, I tried going once just to see what this shit was all about, and I was there at the ass crack of the day waiting like everyone else, and let me tell you, nothing I was interested in was so cheap that it was worth me getting up that early and I got mobbed by old women. Really thoug, why does everyone who is planning on taking part in this rediculous shopping day feel the need to go on and on about how early they are going to be at the mall, or what rediculous shit they are planning to but. Trust me, if you are that excited about waiting outside a store for 3 hours in the freezing cold just to be the first in the door at 4am so that you can spend $300,000 on shit that you don’t really need right at that moment, then maybe you need some new hobbies. I know what my favorite hobby is, its stabbing. Go ahead, open your mouth. You’ll find out just how much I enjoy the stabby stab.
5.) Shut the fuck up about “Its A Wonderful Life” already. I hate this fucking movie. I always have and I always will. Every time I hear some fuck quoting “Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings” I want to shove a big silver bell so far up their ass their ears ring and then rattle them to death trying to hear the bell ring. I get it people get frustrated, hell, people even want to kill themselves around the holidays. Fuck man a holiday doesn’t go by that I don’t contemplate rubbing myself out (including arbor day) but then I remember how much this movie fucking sucks and that if I keep thinking that way there is the off chance an angel might show up and force me to watch that piece of shit again. It isn’t a wonderful life, it is a wretched existence that we make a little less miserable by getting together with people we can tolerate over the holidays, getting piss ass drunk and talking about all the stuff that makes us happy, then we go home, curl up in our beds and try not to think about the hundreds of thousands of people all over the world that have never seen “Its a Wonderful Life because they are too busy searching for fucking food. I guess what I am getting at this movie sucks a big fat cock and while I can avoid watching it, I just know some ass hole is going to start talking about how its the greatest movie ever made. I will break your neck.
6.) Don’t bother saying “Happy Holidays” to me. You fucking pussies. I am so sick of all this happy holiday bullshit. I grew up a Catholic and when December 25th rules around you know what that means? That means my ancestors formed a new religion, forced those around them to celebrate it through military action and inquisitions and took over the Saturnalia: the Roman winter solstice festival and called it Christmas. Sure all the facts point to the fact that Christ was born in the late spring, but that isn’t the point; the point is I call December 25th Christmas. If you want to great me in a celebratory way you say merry Christmas to me. Just as I would say to a Jew Happy Hanukkahs. All this political p.c. crap is a pile of bull shit stacked so high it has blocked seemingly normal people’s judgment. “Oh no, we wouldn’t want to offend any one.” Well listen up fuck shit, not acknowledging the fact that I celebrate Christmas is offensive to me. Saying merry Christmas to me won’t offend the Jew sitting next to me if you motivate your lazy ass and say Happy Hanukkah to him as well. What’s even worse are you jack assess who worry about the White House Christmas Tree, or moaning about the fact that airports have Christmas trees. You scrotum lickers want to bitch and moan about people not saying merry Christmas. Well guess what you’re a fucking Nazi.
7.) DO NOT call me a Scrooge or a humbug or I WILL come over to your house on Christmas to rape and then murder your entire family. You’re right, I get incredibly stressed out over the fact that I have to visit 900,000 people I barely know because it is the holiday season and that I don’t know how I am going to pay my bills 11 months out of the year as it is and now I am EXPECTED to buy a shit ton of presents. So yeah, chances are if you see me over Christmas I am more than likely going to be pissed. So go on say it. I dare you to say it. And while you’re at it if you are one of those fucking mongoloids who thinks it is funny to wait until I do snap and go off on someone and then you chime in with “God bless us everyone” I hope that you know I am going to beat you to fucking death with a yule log.
8.) Keep the Christmas music under wraps until the week before the big day. This year I went to the grocery store after eating Thanksgiving dinner to get a can of shoe polish and a case of beer and I heard god damned Christmas music. Christmas Carols are bad enough, but at least those I can sort of handle, but if I have to hear that skanky cunt Mariah Carey tell me one more time that all she wants for Christmas is me, she is going to change her mind real quick when I show up with a chainsaw and a bag.
9.) Surprisingly I do enjoy Christmas specials on T.V. but everything has its limits. First of all there is no reason for ANYTHING Christmas related to be on tv. before December 1st. Second if it doesn’t have claymation, Clark W. Griswald, an official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time, Muppets, a couple of ghosts, Charlie Brown, Garfield, a Grinch (no I don’t mean that ABORTION staring Jim Carey (what is it with Carey’s ruining Christmas)), a Long-Eared Christmas Donkey or Santa Claus conquering some Martians than I don’t want to fucking see it.
10.) Keep your decorations in check. Don’t get me wrong. Nothing makes my heart swell like seeing a house that is dangerously close to burning down from being draped in 19,753 strings of Christmas lights as it sucks power down at such an alarming rate that Al Gore goes into cardiac arrest, but are some of the interior decorations really necessary. This one is actualyl a two parter. First why is it that every grandmother’s house HAS to be filled with those god awful singing, dancing battery operated, demon possessed decorations that ONLY sing novelty versions of songs that were popular two years before the decoration was created. For example my Grandma has a dancing Santa that sings to the tune of Livin La Vida Loca, another one that rapes Christmas with a version of Mambo Number Five, one that dances the “Macarena”, one that discos to a Christmas version of “Stayin Alive” and for some reason a snowman that wriggles around to the song “Hot Hot Hot’ . What transforms these decorations from mildly annoying to torturous is the fact that all of the younger kids set them off CONSTANTLY until of course the batteries start to die down and they all start to sound like SATAN CLAUS!!!! The second part of this rule applies to those giant nutcrackers. If you are going to put them out ESPECIALLY near a bowl of nuts and they aren’t meant to crack nuts and they actually break when you try it because they are made out of extremely soft wood, then hang a fucking sign to let people know what the purpose of the fake nutcracker is. I can’t count how many crackers I have destroyed trying to bust open a Brazil nut.