How to tell if you’ve been Naughty or Nice

Remember being a kid and trying to think back over the previous year to determine what list you were going to be on? It was nerve wracking shit. Well recently I found myself thinking over that same question. Was I naughty? Was I nice? I decided to make a list of a bunch of different situations, divide them into naughty or nice and the determine if I was more naughty or nice overall.

Naughty (Santa thinks these are “not cool”)

  • “Sexin Up” people that didn’t ask me to.
  • Homicide.
  • Masturbation
  • Chronic Masturbation
  • Any activity that causes you to be banned for life from a strip club.
  • Walking around drunk with your sweaty (or dry) balls on display (must be unbeknownst to you).
  • Walking around sober with your sweaty (or dry) balls on display.
  • Having sex with some one too young for you.
  • Having sex with someone too old .
  • Having sex and promising the girl something (green card, the ability to live) and then not following through.
  • Making a hooker pay for your cab ride, getting the hooker drunk and then mouth raping her after she passes out so she leaves the next day without charging you.
  • Double Homicide
  • Enjoying anything involving Clay Aiken, Chris Angel or Ryan Seacrest.
  • Saying the term”McDreamy” (that shit’ll get you smoked in my hood yo)
  • “Powerbombing your friend through a table in a public place while intoxicated)
  • Masturbating or (Petting the midget) in what you thought was a dark corner of a men’s room but ended up being a confessional
  • Multiple Homicide
  • Kicking an old woman in the vagina so hard she chokes on her dentures because it is Black Fucking Friday, there is only one Wii left and that mother fucker is mine.
  • Laughing at something…anything on Hey Stupid!
  • Thinking about Homicide
  • Beating a Salvation Army guy to death with his own bell the shoving it so far up his ass it pokes out his ear and then raping and urinating on his corpse because he just won’t stop ringing that god damned bell. If I had any fucking change I would put it in the fucking bucket but I haven’t carried cash in over two years. Maybe you should sell the bell and buy a card reader.
  • Bitching about Jews being angry that you accidentally said Merry Christmas to them is probably o.k. but Calling them “Dirty, Hook nosed Kikes that are only out to poison the well and Shylock anyone around them when they aren’t busy starting wars or controlling the media” is just pushing it too far.
  • Tying carrots to grandma’s back so she actually does get “run over by a reindeer”.
  • Dressing up as Santa for a local high school and waiting for all that hot hot high school girl ass to come sit on your chubby.
  • Not returning the rented Santa suit.
  • Having a sexual fantasy involving any of the Who’s, except of course for Cindy Lou Who…even Santa wants to tap dat ass.
  • Calling Kwanza “that fake black holiday they made up because Santa doesn’t deliver food stamps and foe-tees”.
  • Mixing piss in with your snowballs
  • Attempting to “drink your weight” more than once.
  • Taking your kids to the mall to see Santa a couple of times just so you can get a few more glimpses of the chick in the elf suit. Ooooooo you know she’s a naughty little slut. I wonder if she’ll leave the fake elf ears on.

Nice (Things that Santa thinks are “chilly chill”)

  • Be honest, you really don’t need to concern yourself with anything on this list do ya chief.
  • Come on, right now you are still laughing to yourself about how far I crossed the line insulting blacks and Jews. You god damned Nazi.
  • If you aren’t doing any of that you are thinking about banging the elf chick…or Cindy Lou Who…or both.
  • Face it, Santa hates you ass hole.

Well there you have it folks.

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